Two posts in a month, in the year of 2013, where I've only blogged, like, ermmm, twice? It's easier to write and keep the posts in drafts, because as I got older, my problems become somewhat more and more personal, most of them I don't like it to be read by my friends, even my bestfriends.
Well the drafts are mostly filled with curse words and shameful name calling when I get really mad. No more crazy creative writing.
People might know the surfaces of my story, the tittle of it, the font it's written in, but I can't never really share the whole story of it, of what's in the box. For all I know, I've shared more than enough.
And also, growing up, getting older, getting wiser (probably) the way I think and the way I handle my problems are a lot more different than a year or two ago. Or maybe I just don't have time to think about it in between of all the workloads, or maybe I did found someone to talk to, hence the needs to write just doesn't come.
I recently spend a whole day reading back my older posts (thank god 2013 have like 3 posts only), and some of it are jokes, really, the point where I was still struggling to look for who I really am, how I like to write and stuffs like that. Some of it, well, they're heart wrenching.
It almost felt like I don't recognize this person telling the story of me so inevitably accurate and that I was a really really sad person before. Yes, I remember my breaking point, I remember having a very slimy dirty confusing most of the time, ugly break up. If anyone ever ask me, how does it feel, breaking up? I would probably answer to them, well it is sad and heart breaking. Well, that is NOT ACCURATE at all. You want to know how a break up feels like? Well go read my post from end of 2010 to early 2011. You would understand. You'd be in tears too probably.
Is this me praising my writing? Noooooo righhhtttt. Say NO or I'll hunt you down and eat your guts.
I am in a better place right now. Yes, I still do have problems (who don't?) and yes I still do have breakdowns. But I now know that pain killers don't solve my problems, tears do not wash away all the miseries and telling people your deepest secret IS NOT HEALTHY! It makes you feel like if you tell this to someone else, they would understand the depth of your problems more, well, NO, deal with it.
Yes, they'll listen, as most people with the bestfriend tittle are obliged to. But no, they won't understand. They can give you comforting words, but no they can't help you with it. Good friends won't judge. But I-think-she/he-is-a-good-friend (in which he/she is actually not) will judge and will tell on other people what a bitch, what a slut, what a troublesome little monster you are.
So keep your little bits and pieces safely hidden in a place where no one will know. Of course you'll feel bottled up and suffocated with the burden of a secret, but SUCK IT up. You're not six, or sixteen. After all, two can keep a secret if one of them is dead. YES? NO? Yes all the way.
How many secrets do you have? Who do you keep the secrets from? How many people come to you to spill their secrets? Do you tell it off to other people with stupid promises like "Well, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but promise me you'll never tell it off to other people". STOOOOOPID. Well I do this sometimes, when I dig some dirty little secret of my nemesis. Which I truly believe that the next person will keep doing it until its not a secret anymore. Layers and layers of secrets build up until it toppled down.
Who do you trust in confiding your dirty little secrets? Your mom? Your sister? Your best friend? Your other best friend? Your spouse? Or your shrink? It'll be cool to have a shrink. First you can tell on anything to them, second they usually don't mingle with your circle of friends. And they are obliged (more to payed to do) to remember your story so the next time you come you can just continue babbling and that being you shrink's job, he/she would play the part as if they're any bit interested in your life.
Unlike some of your friend who would go "what was that?", "oh, you already told me lah", "eh, did youuuuu??" and so on so on. Playing stupid and forgetful, but actually most of the time, self absorbed. I tell you one thing, EVERYBODY, I repeat, EVERYBODY is superficial and self-absorbed la. No matter how hard they claim otherwise. People don't care about you, you felt they do, that's because it's kind of a social requirement. Everyone already have tonnes of problems on their shoulder, what makes you think, they want to add up to what they are already carrying? They pretend like they care, just because they have to.
Don't expect people to cheer you up, do not depend on other people to make you happy. Because it's your responsibility to cater your heart desire. HAPPINESS is a choice. You either be happy or be miserable. You cannot blame other people for you being unhappy, what do anyone have to do with your happiness when you yourself control your amygdala?
So I choose to be happy. Despite all the troubles happening in my life. I want to have a clear conscious and lead a better life. I wish to deal everything with positivism so that I'm surrounded with positive energy.Yes I still have to deal with everything but the very least, I know at the end of the day, I am self-satisfied that I am able to provide myself happiness.
And with that I present to you, the view of the most enchantingly beautiful Kata Beach, Phuket and an immensely breath-taking sunset at the same place. Because this to me, is the real meaning of happiness.