aku, dia dan mereka

Bersyukur! Bersyukur! Bersyukur!

Ya. Ya. Ya. Aku perlu bersyukur. Tuhan bagi aku peluang untuk belajar di tempat orang. Tuhan bagi aku kesempatan untuk menghirup udara sejuk dingin bila musim sejuk tiba. Tuhan bagi aku kesempatan lihat bunga-bunga kembang mekar dunia jadi warna-warni, Tuhan bagi aku tonton luruh daun kuning coklat dari birai tingkap dan alam jadi suram muram, Tuhan bagi aku macam-macam pengalaman baru berada di negara bukan tanah airku.

Tapi hati manusia jahil aku sering saja terdetik, kenapa? kenapa? kenapa? Kenapa aku pilih untuk hidup jauh dari keluarga dari kawan-kawan baik, dari orang yang aku sayang. Macam-macam Tuhan bagi, tapi dengan semua tu, Dia tarik nikmat hidup di dalam bulatan orang-orang kesayangan kau.

Satu lencana bahagia lucut dari hidup aku.

Bila aku tinggal mak bapak aku lama-lama, sampai satu saat, aku rasa rindu, rindu yang tersangat-sangat, dan dalam masa yang sama, aku helpless, aku tak boleh nak buat apa-apa. Aku cuma boleh telefon dan dengar suara mereka, dan menangis dalam hati. Kadang-kadang aku nangis juga tapi aku lawan air mata itu dengan gelak-gelak buat lawak bangang dengan mak aku, kasi dia tak terkesan dengan sedih aku dan tak risau tentang aku kat sini. Sebab dia pun helpless, tak boleh nak tolong anak perempuan dia jauh. Dia pun cuma boleh tanggung dengan kata-kata dan doa. Buat lawak bangang kasi anak dara dia gelak. Kasi kata-kata bagi naik semangat. Nasihat supaya sentiasa bergantung pada Illahi.

Aku bukan jenis anak yang menggesel-gesel dengan mak bapak aku, peluk-peluk, tidur sama-sama. Tak, aku tak pandai gentel-gentel dengan mak aku dan mak aku pun bukan jenis nak timang-timang anak. Timang cucu ye la tu pun sementara cucu masih kecil-kecil.

Tapi aku ada sense of longing terhadap mereka. Satu perasaan bila kau stress, serabut, sedih dengan apa yang kehidupan hadapkan pada kau, kau nak tengok muka diorang, cium bau diorang takpun bagi ada sebelah je tak banyak. Bukan nak mintak tolong, tambah susah mereka ke apa, tapi nak ada kehadiran mereka, kasi tahu yang sejauh mana kau jatuh dalam kehidupan kau, ada lagi dua orang manusia yang takkan pernah ubah persepsi mereka terhadap kau, yang takkan pernah menghakimi kau, yang akan sentiasa ada pada jatuh bangun kau.

Okay, saat ni air mata aku jatuh jurai-jurai macam air terjun tak tipu.

Ya Allah, ubatkan rindu terhadap orang tuaku ini.

Entah kenapa, aku jumpa dengan orang yang aku nak kisah waktu aku tengah buat prep untuk overseas degree. Dan entah apa takdir yang Tuhan tentukan untuk aku, orang tu tak belajar sama dengan aku, dan takkan pergi ke tempat yang aku akan pergi waktu tu.

Aku tak pandai nak beria-ia jiwang kasi orang cair dengan aku. Dan kalau ada orang kenal aku orang tau aku ada ego tembok cina, cakap la apa kau nak, aku jugak yang betul. Mulut aku jangan cakap la, pedas pahit payau. Kalau lelaki-lelaki hati lembut, yang pada persepi diorang perempuan perlu sopan santun, ayu, gitu gini gitu gini, silalah tak berkenan pada aku. Dengan itu 80% populasi lelaki dekat dunia ni biasanya hanya boleh anggap aku kawan bukan girlfriend material.

Aku jugak bukan kategori perempuan yang setahun sekali tukar boyfriend. Tak suka buang, cari lain. Tak suka lagi buang lagi. Siapalah aku, sangat-sangat tak sempurna, tak lawa pulak, tak pandai, takde talent pandai menari, pandai tangkap gambar ke, pandai itu ini, melukis mungkin, tapi dah 25 tahun tak praktis.

Tapi ada lah satu umat Muhammad yang sudi melayan karenah aku, dengarkan bising mulut aku, layan emosi  Hooke's Law aku, marah merajuk dengan aku tapi masih cari aku dua jam kemudian, kasi aku korek hidung dalam kereta dia, beli air milo umpan bila lambat, layan kan sama-sama nafsu makan anak jin aku, layan aku itu ini itu ini.

Lepas tu Tuhan jauhkan aku dari dia.

Aku tahu, setiap benda tu ada hikmah disebalik, dan siapa lah aku untuk persoalkan semua tindakan Yang Maha Esa tu.

Belajar redha.

Sila.

Redha.

Bila kau jauh dari kawan-kawan baik kau, sepupu-sepapat kau yang perangai boleh tahan sama dengan kau, kau hilang tempat kau boleh main lari-lari bila kau tak tahan nak baring atas katil sendiri sekalipun. Bila kau senak dengan pemandangan dari bilik kau, bila kau bingit dengan orang sekeliling kau, cikgu kau, bos kau, kau lari. Mungkin bukan kau, tapi aku, ya.

Aku minta pada Ya Rabb untuk duduk negara sejuk, untuk tengok mat salleh mata biru rambut blond, untuk cari ilmu negara orang, Dia bagi.











Tapi Dia duga aku dengan rindu.

lebih dari 140

Bila mana pentas twitter 140 huruf tidak mampu lagi menerima tawa, caci, cerita, dan nista aku, maka aku kembali kepada pentas yg satu ini.

PHUUHH. Berhabuk, bersawang, segala macam pijat pun ada disini. Almaklum sudah ditinggal begitu lama tak dikunjung. Memang aku tak konsisten menulis blog. Tak perlu bagi alasan, kalau sini dia ada mulut, sekarang dia muntah hijau dengar alasan.

Jadi lebih baik kalau aku cerita.

Dan biasa, seperti biasa, cerita aku soal hati soal hati. Nasiblah kau ada tuan perempuan macam aku. Gelak jahat.

Kenapa dengan hati? Kalau kau nak tau, hati aku dan otak aku musuh ketat. Mereka ni tak pernah nak berbaik. Aku dah cuba ajar mereka untuk berbaik. Tapi apa saja yang otak fikir, hati tolak dan apa saja yang hati rasa otak sangkal. Memang dari dulu, entah bila nak berdamai.

Dan sekarang mereka masih lagi sibuk berbalah, dan mangsanya pasti lah kelenjar air mata. Gelak jahat lagi.

Aku tau, aku bukan perempuan sempurna,dan aku tak mencari lelaki sempurna, sebenarnya aku dah berhenti mencari. Ya, mari dengar kata tohmah dari orang sekeliling yang kau tau tak kan setuju dengan pilihan aku. Tapi buat masa ni, biar Tuhan saja yang ngerti dengan tindak tanduk aku.

Aku rasa aku dah bentang tikar, baring tengok tv dengan orang yg aku sayang, mungkin sebab tu aku dah tak menulis, hidup aku dah tak ada drama. Lebih banyak drama teman-teman, yang aku diberi penghormatan untuk jadi produser dan beri idea beri inisiatif bagaimana nak teruskan berdrama atau cipta peleraian untuk drama tersebut.

Tapi tikar mengkuang tempat lepak-lepak tengok tv tadi macam ada yang rentap. Oh mak kau, terperanjat mak nak. Siapa? Mengapa? Bagaimana? Oh aku rasa aku tak pernah bagi details pada setiap tulisan aku, cukup sekadar aku bermadah sumbang-sumbang kera dipokok.

Ya, di saat aku berada di satu tahap selesa, semua yg aku susun semua terbarai.

Sering, sering sangat macam tu. Aku ambil masa 18 juta tahun menyusun, cukup 2 saat, cukup perkataan 'ada' itu buat dunia aku terbalik tergolek tertunggang langgang.

Saat ini, aku hilang satu teman bicara. Teman dikala duka. Dikala ingin ketawa. Tak, tak hilang mungkin masih ada. Cuma saat ini, saat umur aku lebih 2 dekad, aku belum pandai telan kenyataan. Jadi aku perlukan masa sendiri, hilang dalam dunia sendiri, aku tak mahu mencari, jadi aku rela hilang dalam emosi dan fantasi aku. Cipta reka satu dunia yang tak ada siapa-siapa.

Kebergantungan cuma buat insan jadi makin lemah.

Ya, kadang-kadang aku buat tak faham, aku tak ambil peduli, aku enggan dengar cerita rintih kau. Sebab aku anggap kau lebih rasional dari aku kau lebih besar dari aku maka kau yang patut berdiri setiap kali aku rebah. Aku tak minta bantuan kau tapi aku tak mahu kau rebah sama.

Aku nak bagi kau reti hidup tanpa perlu simpati siapa-siapa, sekalipun simpati dari aku. Aku juga masih belajar cara untuk hidup untuk hati sendiri, jadi biar nanti kita sama-sama mengerti sama-sama kukuh.

Tapi kalau kau rasa berat untuk menghadapi semua ini, berat untuk menghadapi seorang aku, maka pergi, pergi kearah teman-teman kau. Teman-teman yang lucutkan aku dari hormat terhadapmu. Teman-teman yang buat kita terhenti dari landasan yang kita pilih ini. Teman-teman yang rentap tikar mengkuang kita tadi.

Aku rapuh, tapi aku bisa bangkit sendiri.

nescafe o ais

Nescafe o ais ni boleh nak kata, aku punya favourite drink jugak la. Tapi aku jarang order. Aku pun taktau kenapa.

Al-kisah nya, dulu-dulu zaman belum kerja coffee bean, zaman jakun minum kopi, aku tgh lepak-lepak dengan dia ni, aku ckp rasa nak minum kopi sejuk la, ingat nak order kopi ais, sekali dia suruh order nescafe o ais, aku order la. Sekali syok la layan nescafe o ais.

Dulu dia duk JB, selalu la aku lepak dgn dia, petang2 naik motor pergi Restoren Mummy R ke apa ntah kat tepi Giant Taman Kurnia tu. Asal lepak ngan dia makan roti canai, mesti order nescafe o ais. Tapi kalau tak lepak ngan dia, tak reti plak nak order nescafe o ais. Awat pun tak tau.

Aselik, cepat2 datang jumpa kita, mengimbau kenangan. ok.

takdir.

Mak kata, dalam dunia ni tiada siapa pun yang sempurna. Dan kita sesama manusia, bukan tugas kita nak mencaci nak mencela orang yg kurang dari kita. Atau pinggirkan orang yang tak serupa dengan kita. Apatah lagi membenci orang yang nampak buruknya dimata kita. Sebab jika kita nampak semua itu di mata kita, fikirlah apa pula kita di mata orang?

Tapi terkadang aku keliru, bila masuk bab memilih teman hidup, semua orang nasihati aku agar cari yang terbaik. yang begini yang begitu. Habis, katanya tiada manusia yang sempurna di dunia ini, kalau begini begitu salah, bila nak ketemu orang pilihan itu?

Selama aku hidup, aku belajar menerima orang sekeliling, jarang aku merungut, jarang aku membenci sesorang tanpa sebab. Mulut memang suka mengomel, tapi hati aku pergi tak jauh, 5 minit lepas mengomel pasti aku lupakan. Buat apa pun fikir pasal orang lama lama. Apalah yang aku dapat, cuma dosa.

Marah-marah aku, begini begitu kata mulutku, bila aku rapat dan dekat dengan seseorang, aku jadi lembut hati dengan si polan. Kalau aku marah pun bila dia berbuat salah pada aku, esok lusa bila dia memerlukan aku, aku tak kan pernah menolak untuk membantu. Entahlah, luaran aku kasar, tapi hati aku lembik. Bukan lembut, aku tak lembut langsung, tapi lembik.

Tadi aku berjalan di kota penuh kenangan. Entah kenapa hati aku sayu. Aku tak pernah membenci, tapi aku fikir ini semua takdir Illahi. Dan aku yang hina ini terima seadanya. Biarlah aku jauh darinya, sekurangnya aku jauh dari dosa. Yang lepas itu takkan dapat diputar kembali, takkan boleh aku padamkan dari kotak minda aku. Tapi aku berdoa agar Tuhan permudahkan masa depanku.

Aku akui kadang itu aku jauh dariNya. Tapi akan aku cuba supaya aku kurang leka dan lalai. InsyaAllah.

Untuk seseorang, sekiranya Tuhan sayang kan kita, dan kita percaya kepada tiap sesuatu yang Tuhan tentukan, hadapi lah segala yang di hadapan kita dengan redha. Dekat atau jauh, sakit atau perih, bukan kita untuk tentukan, tapi tugas kita untuk belajar menerima dan redha.

Semoga suluh hatimu dan hatiku terang. Semoga hatimu dan hatiku terbuka untuk kembali kepada jalan Allah.

bugger

you can't ask for something that's not meant to be, to ever be.

silent secret

I can't say it to you, but I do think about you all the time. Like all the time.

why we sometimes take people for granted

There's a lot of reasons why.

But first let us differentiate between 'taking people for granted' and 'choosing not to be friends anymore'.

Taking people for granted, in my opinion is when that person never did anything wrong to you, but suddenly, both of you just drifted apart, without any particular reasons. And you don't care about that person anymore, you think about her/him but you are just too lazy to pick up the phone, or drop by once in a while, or maybe you are not lazy, but you just don't have time, you are too busy, you are too far apart, bla bla bla, the list goes on.

While in the other hand, choosing not to be friends, is well, is how it is. Its understandable right. You don't like this and that of that person. You just get away from her/him and decide this relationship is not worth the time, this person makes my life hell, this person brings out the worst in me, etcetera.

Now we are going to discuss, maybe not discuss, maybe it's just me ranting, because this is pretty much a one way conversation. yes/no? yes.

Okay, I once went through a phase of 'being cool'. Let's be cool. Hang out with cool people? You're cool! Have a boyfriend and rant about how cool your boyfriend is? You're cool! Wear cool hip trendy clothes, buy hip chick mobile phone, talk cool-y, text like a cool person. Been there done that. And then things become too much. By too much I mean, things go overboard, when you are trying too hard to be cool.

Someone used to say to me "ohh, ######? that's normal, that's so cool" And I did it. Only it's not cool at all. Because it's wrong, and you shouldn't do it. All my friends decided to not be friend with me, to teach me a lesson (or so they say), and yeah after some time and after being counselled by my friends, I pretty much learnt my lesson. At that point.

And then after school, I realize, that that's not the real reason they pushed me away, its the fact that I'm an outsider, and I'll always be an outsider. I know I am, because I tried hard to be one of them, dress the way they dress, live the way they live, eat the way they eat, even talk the way they talk.

So, I decided to push them away from my life. I distanced myself, I didn't try to contact them, I didn't ask them how they have been, where they are now, I just stop caring.

And I make new circles of friends. I meet new people. I become myself this time, I don't change myself to fit in, I let people accept me for who I am, for the way I behave, for how my emotions run through our everyday life. I cope with them, they cope with me, and until this very moment, the friendships still stand strong. Though we are far apart, we are still near at heart.

That's when I learn to create different circles of friendships. I don't stick to just one group, I make more and more friends. I have this and that kind of friends, here and there. People who don't judge people who don't care about who you are, but cares of how you have been.

But through that journey, I still think about my school friends, my first circle. Though I don't appreciate them that much, I still think of them, because through that thick and thin, there's a lot of memories we shared. And I try to make amend. I try to start fresh. And I only choose one of them, one that I feel very close to, one that I thought, felt the way I felt, because we are both outsiders.

It's a long way, putting a shattered friendship back together again. It won't be perfect because you have both been through different phases in life without each other. You just have to start all over again. Like starting a new friendship. You have to learn to get to know each other again.

The way to do that is to talk, to spend time together, to learn again about that person, and after a few while, I discovered, we both felt the same way!

You see, when I decided to shut away from them, they didn't try to find me, which shows a great deal that they don't really care about the very existence of me. So why bother. Yes, we both felt alienated by the people we've grown up together with.

But it doesn't matter. As we are now different kind of people, with different perspectives in life, different upbringing, but same intention at heart. That long lost friendship is about to get back on its feet.

I'm trying to be your friend again, to be there for u as much as I can, to help you through thick and thin, because you were there for me when I needed someone to hold on to, even after a broken friendship.

To a certain someone. KISSES.

another update

I hate to start my post with its been a while, but that's what keep on happening. I don"t have much time to just sit around and do magic wonders with my keyboard (as if I'm such a good writer. so perasan). But that's what I enjoy doing, so who cares right? Life's hectic, studying full time and working part time is not easy. Apparently you lost your precious time hanging out, doing fun things with fun people, or just laying around doing nothing. Your day starts early, ends very late, you're tired all the time, yada yada yada. Ok don't want to complain any further.

But, most importantly, I'm satisfied with myself, a bit concern though about the exams, coming so near, it's like a big giant monster approaching with mouth wide open, fangs so sharp can penetrate through titanium (ecehhh) nearer, nearer, aaaaaaaaaummmmmm! ngap! die. Hahaha. Seriously I'm going nuts over here!

Been missing a lot of what's happening in Malaysia lately, what's been going on with my family and friends back home. I have three month to catch up with everything back home I sure will spend the best of my time. Can't believe Baby Zara is 3 month already, so chubby and just the most adorable creature I've ever seen. I don't understand why I love my nieces and nephew so much.

If I have all the money in the world, I'd buy them all sort of things to make them happy, for them to play, for them to learn, bla bla bla, will even buy the whole Toys'R'Us for them. Might as well build like a super duper humongous playground for the three of them. Keeeeeeep dreaming silly girl.

My other sister-in-law is expecting, now that will make me a proud aunt of four yeah? Cool! Young aunty, very young. Haha.

Both my brothers are married now, next in line would be me. I'm 21 and clueless. At 21, both my silly brothers already know who they want to be with for the rest of their life, or so I thought. And being men, and getting married at 24, 25, that's a real challenge, a big deal, a fun thing too, but that's a very big risk, but they get through it. I think our parents brought us up to be more mature than our age.

It's not like we missed out on our childhood, we had a hell of a good time during our childhood, trust me!, but mom and dad really brought us up well. We are children we make mistakes, as teenagers, we do hurt our parents, like a lot, but as we grew older, all that our parents thought us really are absorbs into our heart, our soul, and it really did makes us the person we are today. With mistakes, come a whole lot of valuable experiences, ain't that true?

Back to yours truly, being clueless is really what I am. And good at it too. You can put uncertainty as my middle name.(keh keh nak jugak kan?) But seriously, when my mother talk about my future, like when I get married, if I ever get married, there's like this choking sensation at my throat, and I keep asking myself, who do I want to marry? I have no candidates, no close guys that I can choose or play eenie meenie minie more, so to whom shall I marry mother dear?

Guess you gonna have to wait like a few more freaking years. Haha.

I hate when times seems to be moving so slow sometimes and so quickly another time. I can't believe I'm going to be 22 next year, I'm really really freaking out now. I always thought by 22 I'll have my life sorted out, but if I were to learn anything, I can never get anything sorted out, just not good at organizing, though I try really hard at it. Life just doesn't want to fall the way I want it to be. Damn.

I wonder how I'm gonna feel when I'm about to reach 30. Ohhh I sure will freakkkkkk out extremely.

Ok, enough with the blabbering, I just want to note down here that at 10/10/2011 I'm completely clueless of where life is gonna take me to. So, I'll write again when I have more answers. Maybe when I have found my prince charming, or Ryan Reynolds would be just fine.

Kisses.

In between of every misery is a silver lining

This routine of daily life that I've been doing, little by little, is draining me inside out. My week now stretches out to a fortnight. I have to do school every monday, tuesday, half day wednesday and thursday. And I have to work half day wednesday, friday, saturday and sunday.

Then the same cycle continues, but the next week I only have to work until friday, and have the weekend off. Do you see? Normal people get to rest every weekend, I on the other hand rest only every fortnightly.

Not to mention, I don't get to sleep at night, I have to study, do my revision, quizzes, and assignments at night. I sleep at 2 am everynight and I wake up as early as 6 or 7 am.

In addition to that, It's now the month of fasting, I don't get to regenerate my energy in the afternoon, and I work with food, oh how I'm tempted by the smell of fresh bread every morning, the scent of coffee everytime I have to pressed it. But all I can do is smell it and look at it. Sigh.

Not that I hated my job, I love what I'm doing. I love to work, working is great. The difficult part is getting up in the morning and going home with a sore body. But the working in between is totally fun! I also love studying, I love every bit of it, but yes, I get lazy. But I'm catching up quite well this semester, I manage to keep my grades, but yeah I slip at one of my subject and lost 0.8 percent. But have no worries, I'll make up to that.

However this past few days have been very hard for a reason unknown. I feel so damn tired, mentally and physically. If I can, I would love to be in bed for a total time of 24 hours, not having to get up for anything, would be very very very great.

But yeah, how can I say no to something Allah had already arranged for me. Just sent me some du'a so that everything run smoothly and that nothing bad will happen to me. Ya Allah, please give me strength for me to continue with what's been going on. Amin.

delusional

dear bloggers, or people who pretend to be bloggers, or people who don't blog but read blog and still want to comment, or people who think they are bloggers, or whoever you are, human, monkeys, martians, etc.

I don't write here to attain attention, neither do I want people to read and misjudge me, nor do I want complete strangers commenting on my post, criticizing me, judging me, saying anything about me in particular. Any commentors which I don't know personally, I don't approve.

To those who blog just because other people blog, and comment just because you want me to follow your blog back, save your effort, save your energy and go running to help you lose weight, or go have sex because your wife is frustrated seeing in front on the laptop not in front of her, trying to amuse other people in the world with your crappy blog, not her.

To those who follow, even if you don't read my stuffs, I don't care, whatever, I'm not counting. I'm not gaining any money from you clicking anything on my blog.

For those who do read, a big thank you. I am not a good writer, I just write, it's what I do. It's how I keep track that I'm still alive and doing something in this world.

For those who keep pissing me off with your rude comment, why do you even bother reading? I don't need your two cents, and idiotic remarks, it just show how stupid and immature you are.

For those who keeps advertising your blog here, bug off okay? You will get readers if you have a good blog, if not, accept it, you are crappy and you have a crappy blog, don't advertise yourself, it's shameful. You look like beggars.

I write because I like to write, I want to write, AND I'M NOT TRYING TO FIND ANY ATTENTION FROM ANYBODY.