Sorting

There's a lot of things that I document on this blog. But most people who actually read this (if there's any) would consider all of it just bull shit ranting. But to me every post have meanings and stories behind it. There's always a reason for me to stop everything that I do and just write and type and sink into an ocean of words.

To me it's some sort of way for me to just let go of anything that I can't talk to people about. I won't directly write what my problem are. But I'll just write anything that sound random, but only I know what's the story behind the post.

Life has been a complete mess, well again. No surprise there. And I have been trying real hard to cope. All the plans for Easter, for winter, for summer has been cancelled. Don't feel like going back for the raya celebration anymore. Feels like I'm ten steps backwards now on my life plans now. Well generally speaking, everything is in shamble right now. 

But at the end of the day, you just can't throw everything to the bin. Everything that you've work on. Your reputation. Your progress in life. I guess I just have to start picking up the broken pieces and glue them back together right? Won't be pretty anymore but hey, better it be fix than thrown away. It'll be a damn hard loss.

Anyway, to the fucktard who mess my life, fuck you. 

Jatuh

Tiada pedih yang setanding luluhnya sekeping hati sang ibu akibat perbuatan kamu. 


Allah kembalikan syurga ku......

Nasi lemak versus a cup of good latte

Jujur ya, aku paling tak suka berjalan seorangan. Harus, ada seorang yang teman. Sebab aku agak pondan, even in my homebound environment. Jelas nya cuma mengada, tapi aku akan rasa paling awkward dan paling out of place bila perlu berjalan seorangan.

Kalau cuma memandu kehulu kehilir seorangan, tiada permasalahan disitu, malah agak confident. Tapi bila di mall atau di tempat makan, aku akan rasa macam, semua orang lagi nonton perlakuan kau. Eh perasan, ye, sangat perasan ye. Takpe, boleh kutuk. Silakan.

Tapi hari ini berbeza, aku terpaksa, aku ulang, terpaksa lepak dan habiskan masa seorang diri. Mulanya di Starbucks, semua pun tahu Starbucks coffee are pure shit kan? Jadi aku cuma order Choc Frappe, which is also the shittest. The blended choc chip are like pieces of broken glass going down your throat. That's disgusting to the limit.

Jadinya, aku cuma habiskan masa dengan semak hal sekolah, dan mulakan Chapter 1 untuk To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. Disebabkan tak dapat coffee, mengantuk tahap gaban aku rasa tak boleh nak continue the book (which is supposed to be one of the best American classics), tambah lagi takde power source yang tak rosak untuk aku charge phone dan laptop.

Went out to look for toilet, pusing-pusing sikit aku jumpa San Francisco Cofee. Tak pernah cuba walaupun aku pernah nampak kelibat kafe ini a few times, dekat mana tak ingat. So I was like, let's give this a try, why not. Ordered a cup of latte, and I tell you this is the shit. In a very positive way! This is even better than Coffee Bean's latte. And I'm not sorry to say this is the closest to Aussie's cup of coffee I've ever taste in the land of Malaysia. (Ok, tak pernah pergi Dome and many more non-franchise cafes around KL, pardon me I'm not one of the growing hipster community, and my idea of lepak usually involves nasi lemak and teh o ais).

Fulfilling, refreshing and I think I'm a quarter way into the book when my phone died and need to charge it with my laptop and suddenly felt like writing this down.

Therefore my conclusion of lepaking alone for some reading time is that you need a good cup of coffee, or two and power point, yerp. So that when you suddenly felt awkward or bored, you can go on your computer and blog about it, whilst pretending you are writing your company report or your final year thesis.

Can or not? Can laaaaa...

Secrets and happiness

Suprise, Suprise!

Two posts in a month, in the year of 2013, where I've only blogged, like, ermmm, twice? It's easier to write and keep the posts in drafts, because as I got older, my problems become somewhat more and more personal, most of them I don't like it to be read by my friends, even my bestfriends.

Well the drafts are mostly filled with curse words and shameful name calling when I get really mad. No more crazy creative writing.

People might know the surfaces of my story, the tittle of it, the font it's written in, but I can't never really share the whole story of it, of what's in the box. For all I know, I've shared more than enough.

And also, growing up, getting older, getting wiser (probably) the way I think and the way I handle my problems are a lot more different than a year or two ago. Or maybe I just don't have time to think about it in between of all the workloads, or maybe I did found someone to talk to, hence the needs to write just doesn't come.

I recently spend a whole day reading back my older posts (thank god 2013 have like 3 posts only), and some of it are jokes, really, the point where I was still struggling to look for who I really am, how I like to write and stuffs like that. Some of it, well, they're heart wrenching.

It almost felt like I don't recognize this person telling the story of me so inevitably accurate and that I was a really really sad person before. Yes, I remember my breaking point, I remember having a very slimy dirty confusing most of the time, ugly break up. If anyone ever ask me, how does it feel, breaking up? I would probably answer to them, well it is sad and heart breaking. Well, that is NOT ACCURATE at all. You want to know how a break up feels like? Well go read my post from end of 2010 to early 2011. You would understand. You'd be in tears too probably.

Is this me praising my writing? Noooooo righhhtttt. Say NO or I'll hunt you down and eat your guts.

I am in a better place right now. Yes, I still do have problems (who don't?) and yes I still do have breakdowns. But I now know that pain killers don't solve my problems, tears do not wash away all the miseries and telling people your deepest secret IS NOT HEALTHY! It makes you feel like if you tell this to someone else, they would understand the depth of your problems more, well, NO, deal with it.

Yes, they'll listen, as most people with the bestfriend tittle are obliged to. But no, they won't understand. They can give you comforting words, but no they can't help you with it. Good friends won't judge. But I-think-she/he-is-a-good-friend (in which he/she is actually not) will judge and will tell on other people what a bitch, what a slut, what a troublesome little monster you are.

So keep your little bits and pieces safely hidden in a place where no one will know. Of course you'll feel bottled up and suffocated with the burden of a secret, but SUCK IT up. You're not six, or sixteen. After all, two can keep a secret if one of them is dead. YES? NO? Yes all the way.

How many secrets do you have? Who do you keep the secrets from? How many people come to you to spill their secrets? Do you tell it off to other people with stupid promises like "Well, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but promise me you'll never tell it off to other people". STOOOOOPID. Well I do this sometimes, when I dig some dirty little secret of my nemesis. Which I truly believe that the next person will keep doing it until its not a secret anymore. Layers and layers of secrets build up until it toppled down.

Who do you trust in confiding your dirty little secrets? Your mom? Your sister? Your best friend? Your other best friend? Your spouse? Or your shrink? It'll be cool to have a shrink. First you can tell on anything to them, second they usually don't mingle with your circle of friends. And they are obliged (more to payed to do) to remember your story so the next time you come you can just continue babbling and that being you shrink's job, he/she would play the part as if they're any bit interested in your life.

Unlike some of your friend who would go "what was that?", "oh, you already told me lah", "eh, did youuuuu??" and so on so on. Playing stupid and forgetful, but actually most of the time, self absorbed. I tell you one thing, EVERYBODY, I repeat, EVERYBODY is superficial and self-absorbed la. No matter how hard they claim otherwise. People don't care about you, you felt they do, that's because it's kind of a social requirement. Everyone already have tonnes of problems on their shoulder, what makes you think, they want to add up to what they are already carrying? They pretend like they care, just because they have to.

Don't expect people to cheer you up, do not depend on other people to make you happy. Because it's your responsibility to cater your heart desire. HAPPINESS is a choice. You either be happy or be miserable. You cannot blame other people for you being unhappy, what do anyone have to do with your happiness when you yourself control your amygdala?

So I choose to be happy. Despite all the troubles happening in my life. I want to have a clear conscious and lead a better life. I wish to deal everything with positivism so that I'm surrounded with positive energy.Yes I still have to deal with everything but the very least, I know at the end of the day, I am self-satisfied that I am able to provide myself happiness.

And with that I present to you, the view of the most enchantingly beautiful Kata Beach, Phuket and an immensely breath-taking sunset at the same place. Because this to me, is the real meaning of happiness.



Three little things

As I was walking from my house to uni today, I was hit with an epiphany while crossing the main road. Haiya no lah. It's just that suddenly words came pouring in my mind about this topic and the reason being is that I have an exam this evening and this is just my brain playing a trick on me making me procrastinate. Hence, the blog post.


If you know me in real life, you would know that I have a complex character. One that you feel like you enjoy being with, but at the same time you are scared to approach. That's because I am an extremely moody person. Well, my mom pass this to me, I blame her entirely.


You know how a mother's being while carrying her child really reflects on the child's behaviour? And I truly believe in this because I have seen it with my own eyes. Happy moms brought to this world happy child. And happy child are the prettiest amongst all. And mother just spill this to me yesterday that during all her pregnancy that she was very delicate and moody all together, blame the hormone. And at that time, she wasn't educated about this stuff, so mainly she just follow her heart and allow the mood swings to control her, rather than try to keep calm and play nice.


So the results are four tolerably moody children. I say this again TOLERABLY. As in, we are not crazy horse murdering angry kind of people. We are (my siblings that being said) fun to be with, funny in a sort and we enjoy each other company very much. But we tend to be grumpy a bit la. A bit more than normal nice people.


So mother advice that it is very important that her in-laws are kept happy while being pregnant and that I too one day should learn this. And the easy way to do this is by having a zen environment and keeping close with Allah. All yoga, and other pay-to-do stuffs are nonsense. Be with Allah, it's free.


That brought me to the three things that I want to talk about. It's the things in my life that I lack or worst habit/behaviour that I have.


1) patience
The thing that I really understand about myself as I grow up is that, I am totally an impatient person.  And this is by nature, I did not develop this. God just didn't plant this in me I guess. Or I was Choi enough to not learn being patient. I am now la a bit. Slowly slowly.

I can't stand late people. I don't like to wait. I am not a really early kind of person, and I do disappoint people some times with being late, but I treasure, promises made to be executed as it has been said. You say 9am, I'll be there 9am. If you say in the morning la, with no specific time, then I'll be there 11 am. Because that's my kind of morning. I just don't like people to be mad at me. And vice versa.


And if I say I want something, I must get it. I say I wanna go holiday overseas, I make sure I am able to. You better apply for leave 3 months before aaa. Don't tell me so late you no got cuti. I'll be pissed at you till eternity.  If I want a bag, I'll buy it there and then. I'm an impulse buyer. I think about the money later. So I do have problem with money most of the time.


2) I don't like people the first time I meet them
If you just met me 3 minutes ago, don't try to be too friendly with me. It annoys the hell out of me.  As if you've known me three years already. Try talking to my friends instead, because I will totally ignore you and your nonsense. The stamp on every people I just met is that you are unlikeable. That is if you are going to be in my circle of friends. To get to me, you have to swim your way. Hard. I don't give free passes. I like the usual, and to me all things new are hard. And needs time to get used to.


Except  for Pipah. I don't know why I like her straight away. That girl got magic la I think. If I tell people that she's the one bullying me all the time, they won't believe me wey. Because she's naturally sweet and coy. Outside only one, damn sneaky that girl.


As for every other people, they'll hate me for a while. But after getting to know and mingling more often, they'll soon realise that I am indeed a very nice person. And if you hang out with me more you'll know that I'm very funny and witty. (Crazy woman praising herself). And that I cook nice food. So you better be nice with me la if you want a blissful nasi ayam like no other in the region of Victoria. Go back malaysia you can discard me I don't care. Haha. Not funny ea?


But get this right, I'm not always mean. I am also nice to strangers. Whom I know I won't have to deal with later on. Like my mother's friend, in which I see only once a year. People on the bus, I give seat to them ok. And I talk, if they initiate the conversation first. And other people also who does not affect my life and my circle of friends that much.


And I'll also be nice if you have a handsome rich eligible son. Makcik sihat? Dah makan? Tumpang lalu, sambil tunduk, gelak pun tutup mulut. Of course la you might be my future mother in law, have to be nice laaa. It's unfortunate enough for your son's soul that he's marrying a crazy deluded woman, I'm not going to let another soul suffer. So dear makcik who's going to be my mother in law, don't worry I'm the best daughter in law you'll ever want and have. And I cook the best nasi ayam in the whole region of Victoria also tau...!!


3) weak
I am naturally very weak at heart. I'm only strong because I have to be. People around me think that I'm damn strong because I have strong character, I voice my opinion openly, and I have strong beliefs in whatever I think is right, and I usually say that out loud.

But my inner woman is very weak and vulnerable, a few people and also this blog know how many times in a year I have emotional breakdown. Because a lot of thing affects me.

I remember when I was younger, my sister got scolded by my father because she didn't finish her homeworks, lo and behold, I am the one crying in the room because it was painful to watch. When other people tell me their troubles, as much as I'd love to help, sometimes I just can't as it is out of my reach, or I just don't have the resources to help, and I'll feel shitty all day because I can't help. I feel the burden, and the impatience gene in me wants the problem to be solved quickly, but the circumstances decided that it can't be solved. There I am, disturbed all day. Yes I am easily disturbed with worry and emotion, it affects my life greatly. Because I will continue worrying about it for awhile.

I once blurt out my trouble to Simok, and I belief I was damn angry and raging, but being the most-of-the-time calm person that he is, he just said "you'll be ok, I know you're strong and independent. That's how I know we'll survive this LDR". Advice not even close to the topic, this man.

But nonetheless, yes I can be strong, but I am only strong when I have to. Like when I have to suck the spider using the vacuum, solely because I HAVE TO, it's on my freaking bed, it'll bit me to my death due to poison or venom or whatever. If you're outside damn spidey, I would run away from you and let you live into a beautiful butterfly. eh?

By nature, I am weak and easily emotionally disturbed and prone to breakdown. But I am proud to say that I have a very strong support system which have been keeping me sane all this while. If not, I'll be diagnose with depression by now. Legally siao.


That's all I know and I fully understand and accept about myself. I'm not trying to change because this three qualities (is it?) that some people hate and irritate most of the people I know, these are the things that made me, me. If people do talk about me, and they say all this stuffs, I kinda not care. Because it's absolutely true. Say all you want la, I bravely embrace my flaws.


And I do make the best nasi ayam!!


ulangan rasa

berkali-kali,
penghujungnya,

berulang-ulang,
diakhirnya,

tak sudah-sudah,
disetiapnya,


kecewa

off life, family, love and work

There's ups and downs in life. 23 years and still breathing, I come to learn that already. One day you're happy and cheerful, the next you'll be sprawling on your bed, wetting your pillows with tears. And some other days, it's just getting through to the next, keep holding on. Life is too worthy to be wasted.

Off Life
Currently busy with exams and study. Something to keep me away from thinking into the deepest pit of my thought, which is not healthy as some people has been telling me. "Don't over-think", "Don't be too negative", "Don't assume anything". Well, be in my shoe, and try to do just that. It's hard. Being me, with this brain of mine, I tend, well the correct word is not 'tend', I 'always' over-think, assume the most negative of consequences and end up feeling terrible.

I can't help it. That's just how my brains work. I'll give you an example; Mom didn't pick up phone - call twice - call three times - call four times - call 180 times - where's my mom? - tries to call dad - dad didn't pick up as well - where is he? - what time is it? - is he still at work? - my mom don't work, she should pick up the phone - call mom again - where would she be at this time of the day - did she went shopping? -something happen? - maybe she fell in the bathroom like last time - oh God she's alone at home - we live in an apartment, no one will know - dear God save my mom from harm - wait 5 minutes - call mom again - oh she picks up - "Hye mom where have you been, why didn't you pick up the phone?" - Mom: Oh, I was having a bath. Its hot today right.

Thereeeeee. Not picking up phone, really makes me thick. Whoever you are. Be it just the call center. I'd assume you are too busy, or you're too lazy, or everyone is having a break at the same time that everyone at the center chose to ignore my call, or maybe that your building just collapse a second ago.

Or maybe you hate me and doesn't want to talk to me.

So keeping up with studies really takes my mind off the problems I'm having right now. Although I am not one that can concentrate for a long time. 15 minutes into, oh that pen really fascinate me. Took 15 minutes examining the pen. Another 15 minutes studying, maybe I should go do the laundry, I can wait for it while continuing my reading. And on and on it goes. There's always reasons to get away from the study table.

Same thing happens when I try to deviate my thoughts from my problem, I can stop thinking about it for like 15 minutes, and I'll be in that bubble again, thinking and thinking and thinking. I can be in a crowd, and talk and laugh and jokes around, few moments later, you'll see me all quite and not joining in the conversation, you should know I'm no where near that world anymore. I'm far away in my own thoughts. Try to bring me back, maybe with food.

Am I depressed? Yes, I self diagnosed myself and the result turns out positive, I am depressed. But to what extent? Enough to make it really hard for me to sleep, and when I do sleep, its hard to wake up. Sometimes I woke up really early and just toss and turn in my bed with my thoughts, or my phone, for two to three hours. Only getting out of bed when I realize my breath really stinks, my body reek of sweat or that my stomach need foods. Or maybe I need to pee.

But overall, I also self diagnosed myself that I'm still in the Green Zone - the sane zone. Almost fell into the Red Zone, but manage to pull myself out of it. So right now all I'm doing is trying to keep up with the world by not missing out on daily reality TV shows or weekly TV series.

Another three weeks of study, and in a month holiday in July I planned to work out my cardio again, to keep me sane, and to keep my body tight and my adrenaline pumping so I can do some obliques.

Off Family

Not much have been going on, I know that I'll be an aunt to the next fifth baby. My brothers and SILs are a bunch of productive couples, Allah bless you people. And mind you I only have two brothers. The baby is due somewhere around February next year, so I hope I'll be home to shower you little peanut with kisses.

One thing I'm missing on is sharing about my love life with my mother. Everything is still in hush, because nothing is yet to be certain, so that is kind of frustrating to me. This is a big phase of my life, and I'm old enough to share it with her, it's not just another puppy love story, it's big and it's real. But past memories have made me unable to open up to her.

Is it her fault? No, although I don't agree with what she did, or more to what she said and dad said, I always keep in mind that they are just trying to look after me. After all they are my parents, and there are no reason for me to go against them. But when the right times come, I hope everybody is well aware with my decision and accept it, more that accept, I wish that they would redha and give their blessings, because that is the most important thing that I seek from them.

It might happen but it also might not happen, so I'm saving all these until I'm certain that it is going to happen. Why waste sharing and opening up for something that might not in the end happen? They are kind enough to try the last time when I did share, and things were ugly. It makes me more cautious to what I share nowadays because I don't want those bad memories to actually happen again.

So as much as it sadden me that I can't share this with my mom, my true best friend, it will sadden me more if she makes the decision for me when she's not liking what I like. Acceptance is hard is it? Maybe because I'm the first girl.

Well, mommy daddy, your little girl is not a saint, please don't expect me to bring back an ustaz. No offense.

Off Love and Work

Yeay to the mister for your starting point in workforce. I hope you become a very successful man in your carrier like your father. Please don't follow his footsteps in marriage. I hope what happen between us is just a phase, I hope us drifting apart is not permanent. I hope that this rough patch in our relationship is repairable.

I'm happy for you to focus on your carrier. And I won't be bothering you much anymore. I am trying not to be the clingy girlfriend I am, though I hope I can continue to be your clingy wife someday.

I hope this is just a phase, and it will not happen again when I myself starts on the workforce. I hope if I became busy like you, you will not be the person that I am right now. I'm sorry if I hurt you with my words. Know that that's the only defense mechanism that I have, to protect myself from hurting too much. And I hope if things turns out like this again in the future, that you would have understood me by then.

Four years may not be enough for us to really know one another, what's with one year wasted, but I hope you know by now that my ego is built from only copper. It shines, almost like gold, but the fact is, its soft. Maybe you should learn about copper than you should know a lot more by me. Speaking from Material Science point of view.

I am such a coward, my ego is my barrier for not saying this to you, but I'm sorry.


Now that's a long update. I have studies to catch up on. Till then.

Neglected

Oh well, this blog has long been neglected by its owner, bracket, me. Only to find myself stroking it again, showering it with words and sentences only when I'm at the lowest pit of my life.

Best say that i vomit words only when I'm depressed. When I'm happy I just can't be bothered to write it down. I mean why should I? Shouldn't I be enjoying the moment, the happiness, having joy in it every seconds, treasuring all the good things in it and sleep with a peace of mind, still smiling and not having to care to put it down in word, on blogspot. Well at least, to me.

Therefore, I declare this blog a sad place, that no one should try reading my post, because when you're done  you'll gain nothing, you'll find nothing, and you'll go saying "oh my, what a stupid, stupid girl". Oh what the hell, everyone's got to do what they've got to do.

And I feel like I have to write down all my depression, my sick emotion, my pain and everything here. And I doubt it that anyone will read this. Haha.


As for the tittle of this post, my blog has not been the only one neglected, because, my feelings and my inner self is at the same spot. Neglected. By whom? Its possible that between all the choices I'm making in my life, I am neglecting my ownself for the sake of I don't know who.

If you can imagine me being at the lowest pit, try digging that pit and bury me under it.

It has been two weeks since I last sleep with a smile upon my face. I can't remember the last time I just turn on my side, close my eyes and not think of anything and sleep. Waking up not feeling like a worthless piece of shit. Maybe it was two weeks ago. Maybe it had bee longer.

I've had ups and downs in my life, but this is definitely as low as I have been. I've never reach this stage in my life, where I really don't know what to do, how to handle things, how to make things right, or even to think what is right. I can pretend that I'm laughing, making stupid jokes and entertain, when the truth is inside, I'm aching and my insides are just eating me slowly I thought I'm going to die. Slow and painful death. For the pain is unbearable, my whole body aches and trembles.

Usually I just don't bother, get myself bundled up, sleep, or eat, do something nice for myself and be okay.

But not this time.

Since it started, I've been on two short holiday. I've had a few barbecue and eating sessions. I've had my bestfriend coming and accompany me for several days. Yet, I still feel like I'm dead, inside. It just doesn't seem to be over.

I went for a short holiday trip, so that I don't have to wake up in my own bed, so that I'm out of my routine. So I can see the world, all the wonders in it, open my eyes, and see that this is just stupid small bump in my journey. Felt really nice, but the moment I reach home, reality kicks me in my gut and I start feeling depressed again.

I went out to hang out with friends, talks and jokes around so much that it felt so good only to realize that it did not really feel  that good, that it felt so fake it makes me frustrated and angry. End up back home in my room feeling depressed again.

My bestfriend came, I felt like I needed that. So I can talk. It just makes me teared up in the middle of a zoo watching a gorilla eats in his hut. And yeah, end up me feeling depressed again.

So it has been two weeks that I've been feeling like this. First there's frustration. And then there's anger. And with anger along  came disappointment and pain. And with pain came ache. Its true what they say, it's not a broken heart. Because when you're hurt so hard, it's not only your heart that ache, its your whole entire body. Every teenie weenie bits of your cells hurt.

Why? What happened?

Well, truth be told, I don't know. I don't see it coming. It's only been 4 weeks since I got back in Melbourne, and things have been stirring so bad back home. I'm not going to rant about it. I just felt like, we are not at the same page anymore. Even worse, like we are on totally different books right now.

I have to hear reasons, reasons that I can't accept but I just have to swallow it get on with it. I have to wait and waiting makes me frustrated so bad that it triggers my depression button.

When I try to look for answers, I question it, and I don't get any answers, it gets me agitated. Like I cannot not know these stuffs. I must know! I must have answers! And those answers better be accurate, or I'm gonna be mad.

And I hate myself, for being so weak for being so needy. But what else do anyone wants in this world, they want to feel like they're needed by others because they NEED others. You can't survive this harsh world alone.

When I ask you one thing, and you don't give me answer, I get jumpy. If I have to wait, I hyperventilate. I get panic attack, I keep asking why, why are you not answering me? why are you ignoring me? what the hell are you doing? where are you? who are you with?

I tend to overthink like that. By this time, you ought to know me if not fully, but most of me. But I don't know why you keep ignoring all the littlest things that makes me thick. And hope that I understand myself, how everything in this universe works. I need you to tell me that everything is okay, that we are fine, that I am not lost on my own.

But you never did. And I never heal.

Fuck I'm ranting like mad.

Abrupt end, I apologize. Good Bye.









inferiority

These are just some of the things I collect from the internet. Nothing educational. Maybe a little bit informative.

Reasons why I decided to do this is because I felt it all the time. As much as I try, to be brave, to be self-satisfied, it is so hard to keep away from feeling inferior towards the littlest thing in my life.

What is inferior?

A feeling of insecurity, or lower self-esteem. Feeling less than other people in various aspects. In work, in studies, relationship. etc.

Some people may not be of poor quality like they think they are. Inferiority can occur in successful people as well. The person already know that he is worthy of what he does, good at it, however still feels threaten by some unknown forces in other people. Still thinks that there are others that talk about him, that whisper and talk lowly about him.

This explain why some people are so hard when it comes to mingling with people, getting on a new friendship or just getting to know new people.

My problem.

Most of the time I have the need to be the first in everything, although most of the time I failed. So to satisfy that hunger, being the first one rushing out of the elevator door gives me enough satisfaction I need. Or to walk at the front when in groups, or even to be the first one to arrive at any venue. Does that sounds like inferiority to you?

And my extreme jealousy. Oh yes, I am the jealous type. I don't know if its extreme or not. But my mind, my brain, it keeps playing images, keeps sprouting ideas of how my partner would start being infidel to me. How exes could be a huge matter to me, how his locations and doings can sometimes sound shady to me? Most of the things are madness, purely imaginations, but somehow really disturbing to me. Which leads to my trust issues and so on.

Mainly for the reasons that I think they are somehow better than me. Prettier than me, nicer, or richer, or better in any ways possible. Why do I put so little credits in myself? I can blame that on inferior I think?

Well the fact that he's still flirting also troubles me, yes. Harmless, yes. Indeed. I did that too. With some of my closest male acquaintances, my friends. Totally harmless, sort of internal jokes between us. But why do I feel the utmost jealousy, ridiculous sometimes when I see him did that?

Oh yes I have a lot of unsettled internal issues.

Which brings me to my dissatisfaction towards my self. Feels not pretty enough, skin not fair enough, hair too black, hands to furry, blemishes here and there, too short, yada yada yada. Thus the need to apply all sorts of chemical all over my body. Hair dye, whitening facial wash, this cream that cream, high heels and platforms. Clothes shopping dependency.

Why Aina why?

Reasons behind inferiority.


As I hover myself around Google, most of the reasons behind inferiority is childhood history. How the parents treated you, how the peers and siblings treated you. What you were taught while growing up (this include what the mass media portrays and define how society are 'supposed' to behave).


I think my parents brought me up well, their teachings and what they believes in life and the after life are in accordance to what our religion ask us. And to top that up they never once use foul language in bringing us up, never pressure us to be like others, always support us in what we do, still got our back and does not blame us for when we occasionally fails in studies or even our sometimes wrong-decisions in life.

They always taught us that there's always a new start, there's always a chance, a room to make things better. And to never give up and always get back on our feet after falling.


As for peers, ah yes, some of them are disturbingly mean to me. I grew up with a dislocated tooth, which makes them call me the 'J' word I don't even want to say it. And my acne issue was also brought up and teased around. I can see that being a problem.


Maybe that is why I often feel like everything is not enough, not good enough, because they make you feel like you are not good enough. I may not be pretty as others, but I sure is an excellent student when it comes to academic. Hell yeah, I'm a 3 pointer student, I represents the debate team of my school, I was the best student in English subject for 5 out of 6 semesters there. Hell I'm good and they make me feel otherwise! Screw you people who make my childhood difficult.


As for the jealousy thing, a website states that the reason behind jealousy is lack of self confidence, poor self image, fear and insecurity.


Lack of self confidence? Oh yeah, I totally doubt myself in so many ways. I doubt myself therefore I tend to doubt my partner and other people as well. Now I see it. I put myself so low, if possible I want other people to be lower than me. And when that does not happen, I tend to let that out on other people. In this case the exes are prettier than me, since I cannot do anything to them, I let it out on my partner. Is it? 


Poor self image? As you can see fro the above paragraph, I am still downgrading myself. Come on Aina, you are pretty too. You are prettier than them in some people's mind. Maybe no one ever tells you that you are as beautiful as the flowers blossoming in spring, but you surely can tell yourself that you are indeed beautiful!!! If not in creature's eyes then, to the Creator. 


Fear and insecurity? I think this is due to the above reasons. I feel not good enough, therefore I fear that me being not good enough will lead the partner to find another person who is good enough for him. It explains the jealousy.


As for the trust issue, I think its true what the saying says "behind every person with trust issue is the person who makes them that way''. I've been cheated before, I've been dumbfoundedly maliciously hurt by some historic person in my life. Therefore I do not want it to happen again. So I keep my guards up, I act the way I act, arrogant and snobbish in a way, just so that people would not want to step on me. And also explains my overbearing behavior even towards my partner.

That is all I got. And after reading through articles and texts written by motivators, I cannot help but feel a little bit better about my self. But I also do not want to bring my guards down and be happy about anything and everything.

I shall work on my issues, but I also believe that sometimes 'hunches' play a great deal in our life.

Oh well, till then, farewell.



nieces and nephews

Two posts in one night is just a bizarre thing for me! Sometimes I write one in a full six months. Mind you I have an exam tomorrow morning. And its what now, 2 am? Distracted much?


I adore my nieces and nephews. They are super cute, one girl looks a lot like me when I was little, they are mischievous but fun and they are easy to handle (well most of the time). But yeah, all in all, I love them to bits.


So my first brother has 3 kids. The first one is a girl, named Aaisyah Humaira. She's currently 5 years old and a big box of chatter. Her personality is rather a mixture of emotion and fun. She can be super sensitive at times, she can be very jubilant when she feels like it. Many people have said that she is a lot like me. "Gedik much a lot like your aunt Cikna" that's what everyone kept saying.


She's a pretty girl, lean with a beautiful long hair. Skin darkens eventually due to lots of playing out in the sun. Smart, very smart. Ask a lot of questions. Ohh and loves to pretend to be shy. "Alaaa kakak malu la". Imagine the facial expressions and body movement. Ha to the Ha.


That's her over there. 


My brother's second child is a boy. Muhammad Faiq Umair. Mischievous, yes! Very much. Can be a handful sometimes, but he's funny in so many ways! The way he act, the way he talk, the way he does things, anything, could explode laughter in the whole room. Yes people, explode! We, ze family, call him Mat Petol for being the clown in the bunch.


Just look at his face on the above picture. That must tell you a lot of thing. Toys, they have a lot of toys. But this one, whatever her sisters are playing, that is the one he wants the most. oh well, they fight, who doesn't? But they get along pretty well. If he makes her sister cry, and you tell him to apologize. He would gladly do it. With the cutest expression on his face, take her sister's hand, hug her, kiss her and make you melt like a burning marshmallow.


And all is forgiven, play together again, until the next quarrel. And the cycle goes one.


My cheeky boy.


The last of my brother's kid is a girl. Named after Rasulullah's daughter. Her name is Fathima Azzahra. Fathima is The Prophet's daughter's name and Azzahra is what The Prophet calls her, Kind of a nickname, which means the shining one, or some say the splendid one. Oh and Aaisyah Humaira is named after Rasulullah's wife Aisha RA and Humaira is the nickname which means "the rosy cheeks".


Lovely, isn't it?

I don't really get to bond with the smallest. I wasn't there when she was born, I only met her when she was about 6 months old I think. But she is the sweetest. Very lovely. The first time I met her, she's lovely, nice to everyone, doesn't mind people picking her up, love to cuddle. She would just crawl to your leg, or stomach and land there like a little kitten. But the second time, I think this is hate time when she already recognize faces, she doesn't even want to part with her mother! Doesn't let people cuddle her. She would just cry when she sense her mother is far away. But she's the prettiest of babies and just so lovely you want to eat her!not  



Oh that's yours truly with a very sweaty Zara after our zoo trip.

Last but not least, is my second brother's first born. Jareez. I like the idea of one word name. Its easy and neat. This chubby tubby I only met when he was borned. One day, two day old? And then I was back in Aussie. He used to be so small, so delicate, that's the first time after a few years I see a new born baby up close and personal.

But now, looking at the pictures my brother and my sister in law keep updating on Facebook, he's grown into a chubby boy! This one I just can't wait to meet!


Look at all baby fat! Don't you just feel like having a bite? Yes Muhammad Khairil, I stole your picture.

How could you not spoil all these kids? 

One moment you were fighting with your brothers, the next thing you know they have babies!! How time flies. Some times I just forgot that we've grown up that much. But these kids are precious to me. They melt my heart a thousand times over.

Kiddies, Cikna love you ok. Before Cikna have kids of her own, I will always spoil you guys.