Tak siapa tahu, tak siapa dapat mengagak, apa yang aku paling inginkan dalam hidup aku. Dan aku tak expect langsung, tak berharap langsung ada orang yang tahu apa yang aku paling inginkan dalam hidup aku.
ilusi lunatik seorang pemikir
Tak siapa tahu, tak siapa dapat mengagak, apa yang aku paling inginkan dalam hidup aku. Dan aku tak expect langsung, tak berharap langsung ada orang yang tahu apa yang aku paling inginkan dalam hidup aku.
Sudahkah anda membahagiakan orang tersayang?
It's October, and I'll be having my final this November. Next semester is my final semester, and i have to repeat 2 subjects. I did not fail, but my academic fulfillment requires me to gain an A or at least a B on my papers. Sadly, i got two C's.
And i don't even know why i cannot focus in my classes, and i became very blurry during my test. Maybe i don't study hard enough, or maybe i lack motivation. But i know, it is my fault, it came from me. I don't blame anyone. I blame me. Don't say it's because of my relationship, because the downfall of my studies happened waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay before that. And we are a new item.
My money is running low, and it happen so frequently. I just have no idea how to control my cash flow. I need to start to have an income, but i just don't know how. I can't do part time, and i don't have any modal to start any kind of small business. I hate asking money from my parents, it somehow alters my ego. I feel so low.
So, right now i need to know, what's worth in my life and what's not? Because i have no idea of my priorities. I don't know what's important. And what's not. I feel terrible, for being such a bad me, myself.
Help me through life. Help me through life. Help me through life.
Tadi baru lepas telefon adik, esok start PMR. Paper Bahasa Malaysia dan Agama. Aku ucap good luck, suruh baca doa banyak-banyak. Semoga boleh buat, jangan otak adik jam waktu jawab soalan, seperti aku. Sering sangat blur. Atau mungkin aku yang banyak berangan. Entahlah.
Sunyi, tak bercakap pun dengan umi. Marah barangkali kerana bil telefonku melambung. Tak tau, serius aku tak tau kenapa bil aku hangit gila bulan ni. Aku tak pakai banyak pun, aku dah kurangkan. Aku siap pakai Upax lagi untuk berbual dengan buah hati. Malah, dia juga yang sering kali telefon aku.Tak daya aku nak topup selalu. Mau bayar bil lagi. Hadoi. Tapi kenapa bil telefon masih tinggi? Gila. Gila. Gila.
Eh, eh, adik ingat aku sudah putus dengan buah hati. LOL. Itulah, tak baca habis entri aku kot? Atau ayat aku yang berserabut? Haha, mana-manalah. Aku tak putus pun. Harapannya, takkan. Tapi jodoh itu tetap juga di tangan Allah kan?
Entri sebelum ini, aku cuma curahkan perasaan aku, sedih kerana kami berjauhan. Belajar di negeri yang berbeza, asal kami juga dari tempat yang berbeza. Kalau mau berjumpa, perlu diatur elok-elok. Dimana? Bila? Kena juga tengok schedule masing-masing. Hujung-hujung minggu mungkin ada aktiviti berbeza di universiti dia, atau kolej aku. Belum lagi ambil kira faktor kewangan, maklumlah, bukan orang berada.
Bila dapat jumpa tentu sekali gembira tak terkata. Dapat luang beberapa jam bersama. Setiap detik itu sangat bererti, dan bila dia terpaksa menghantar aku pulang, setiap kali juga hati aku sakit. Sakit sekali. Bila terpaksa melambai kereta merah itu pergi, aku jadi tak keruan. Bila pula bakal berjumpa? Seminggu lagi? Sebulan lagi? Dua bulan lagi? Haaaiiihh...
Tapi tak apa kan? Aku kuat kan? Aku tabah kan?
Tak berdaya, tapi aku gagahkan juga. Bahagia, bila kau di depanku. Tapi bila setiap kali terpaksa mengucapkan selamat tinggal, dan setiap kali juga tidak pasti bila akan ketemu lagi, aku jadi sakit. Perit untuk menelan realiti, kau jauh dari mata.
Tapi sekurang-kurangnya, aku belajar satu lagi erti kehidupan kan? Walaupun perit, dan walaupun rasa terseksa, nak buat macam mana? Aku yang jejakkan diri, aku la yang kene tanggung. Tak gitu?
Tapi aku tak sunyi, kerana aku dikelilingi memori yang kau beri.

I thought, i might just tell the world that i am actually very very happy nowadays.
I was watching gossip girl just now, and i don't know why, i get really emotional watching all the dramas in there. My life is not even close to theirs, but the values in that series, it's gets me. I think it also applies to everybody.
Family, love, friendship, though they are very common theme, its actually quite important in our life.
And i am HAPPY with my family, my boyfriend and my friends. I enjoy and cherish every moment i have with them, and i am grateful for all the troubles we have. Because at the end of the day, no matter how big the burden is, we are still able to place a very big honest smile and we still have each other to hold on to.
Aha, catchy kan tajuk? Sebenarnya, aku nak cerita, why you never have to have a reason to love somebody.
Clearly,love is a feeling kan? You cannot see it, you cannot touch it. But you feel it, its emotional, not biological. It's nothing scientific, its humane.
First.
Try to differentiate between love and lust. Lust is something biological, physical. Lust is when adrenaline starts pumping. Lust is when your eyes, or your ears, or any other senses send signals to the brain and eventually,you'll end up in bed, or sofa, or wherever you wish lah kan? You can explain that, right?
But what about love? Explain love. Explain that great chemistry between the two of you. Explain the long conversation you've made without getting bored, without even wanting to do anything else. Explain how that person suddenly motivates you, makes you feel you wanted to be a better person. Explain why you suddenly think of your future together. Explain how you can lock your eyes in his/hers with affection and without the urge to be in bed with him/her.
Second.
If during pre-historic time they never found out that one of the function of the mouth is to eat, will we be eating today? During that time, even if they do not understand what feeling is, they surely understand, the affection they felt towards somebody is something as important as the need to eat. Because it's in the system. You feel it, you need it. No reason. Full stop.
Third.
You say you love your spouse because she's pretty. What happen when she's old and saggy, will you still love her? Or will you go and find someone else 'pretty''. Because obviously you love 'pretty' not 'old and saggy', right?
Kalau kau kata kau sayang dan cinta dia sebab kasih sayang dan attention yang dia beri pada kau, macam mana kalau suatu hari, dia dapat schizophrenia, dan tak dapat nak beri perhatian pada kau, waktu tu kau sayang dan cinta dia lagi ke? Dia kan dah mereng? Mesti kau pergi cari kasih sayang dan attention baru kan?
People make reasons, because they are afraid. And they need something to hold on to.
Stop messing with my life. You have been messing with my life since i was seventeen. I'm tired of your stupid jokes. I'm tired of how you never grow up and start thinking. I'm tired of your ridiculous love games. I'm tired of your never ending false hope. Most importantly, i'm tired of you.
Shhooo....go away from me.
Aku rasa dah cukup banyak peluang aku bagi pada kau. Sebelum-sebelum ni, dah terlalu banyak kali aku mengalah, kadang-kadang aku rasa jatuh ego aku. Kau ingat perempuan takde ego? Kau ingat kau boleh tolak tarik aku suka-suka hati kau? Kau ingat aku apa? Anak patung kau?
Hello? Kau cakap dengan siapa eh? Kau nak aku, kau nak aku layan kau, tapi kau tak mahu 'any string attached'? Yo, wtf? Nak cari perempuan simpanan ke bang?
I've waited for you. For years, i sealed my heart, nobody was able to penetrate, or to even unlock it. Sampai satu hari ada hati yang sudi berkongsi. Aku cuba untuk menyayangi. Aku buang kau jauh-jauh. Aku lupakan kau.
Dulu bila aku kata, aku tak boleh nak mula hubungan baru sebab kau. Kau ingat tak kau cakap apa? "saya boleh t.o.l.o.n.g. Tolong lupakan saya,please". Yes, sekarang itu yang aku dah buat, tapi kau? Apa yang kau buat sekarang. Selepas aku beritahu yang aku sudah punyai kekasih?
Kau ceritakan mimpi-mimpi kau dengan aku didalamnya. Kau ceritakan kembali kenangan kita bila kau terlanjur lalu di tempat-tempat yang kita pernah pergi dulu. Kau katakan betapa bahagianya kau bersamaku dulu.
Hoi, itu dulu. Cukup-cukuplah. Kalau dari dulu kau begini, aku boleh melayan. Tapi sekarang, tidak lagi. Separuh dari aku, aku sudah beri pada dia. Aku tau dia jujur, dia ikhlas. Dan dia sayang aku. Aku tak pernah terkejar-kejarkan dia, sepertimana aku terhegeh-hegehkan kau dulu. Sekarang ni aku yang dikejar, aku yang dilayan istimewa, bukan aku yang kene melayan.
Sekarang aku dan dia sangat spontaneous. Tak perlu berpura-pura. Tak seperti dulu aku selalu menjaga percakapan dan perbualan kerana bimbang kau berkecil hati.
Sekarang aku bahagia. Tak bermakna dulu aku merana, tetapi kini aku terlalu bahagia dan aku rasa carefree. Without any weight on my shoulder.
Kalau boleh, kita berhenti disini. Aku rasa aku tak mampu nak jadi kawan kau pun. Terlalu membebankan. Kalau niat kau sebenarnya memang nak menyakitkan hati aku, TAHNIAH, kau dah berjaya. Tapi aku tak menyerah, sebab kali ini, ada orang yang membantu dan menyokong aku dari belakang.
Ok, gambar untuk buah hati yang jauh di Bosnia Herzegovina, buat pengubat rindu. Hahaha.