tulisan typewriter

nescafe o ais

2011-12-03T08:14:00.000-08:00

Nescafe o ais ni boleh nak kata, aku punya favourite drink jugak la. Tapi aku jarang order. Aku pun taktau kenapa.

Al-kisah nya, dulu-dulu zaman belum kerja coffee bean, zaman jakun minum kopi, aku tgh lepak-lepak dengan dia ni, aku ckp rasa nak minum kopi sejuk la, ingat nak order kopi ais, sekali dia suruh order nescafe o ais, aku order la. Sekali syok la layan nescafe o ais.

Dulu dia duk JB, selalu la aku lepak dgn dia, petang2 naik motor pergi Restoren Mummy R ke apa ntah kat tepi Giant Taman Kurnia tu. Asal lepak ngan dia makan roti canai, mesti order nescafe o ais. Tapi kalau tak lepak ngan dia, tak reti plak nak order nescafe o ais. Awat pun tak tau.

Aselik, cepat2 datang jumpa kita, mengimbau kenangan. ok.

takdir.

2011-12-01T11:28:00.000-08:00

Mak kata, dalam dunia ni tiada siapa pun yang sempurna. Dan kita sesama manusia, bukan tugas kita nak mencaci nak mencela orang yg kurang dari kita. Atau pinggirkan orang yang tak serupa dengan kita. Apatah lagi membenci orang yang nampak buruknya dimata kita. Sebab jika kita nampak semua itu di mata kita, fikirlah apa pula kita di mata orang?

Tapi terkadang aku keliru, bila masuk bab memilih teman hidup, semua orang nasihati aku agar cari yang terbaik. yang begini yang begitu. Habis, katanya tiada manusia yang sempurna di dunia ini, kalau begini begitu salah, bila nak ketemu orang pilihan itu?

Selama aku hidup, aku belajar menerima orang sekeliling, jarang aku merungut, jarang aku membenci sesorang tanpa sebab. Mulut memang suka mengomel, tapi hati aku pergi tak jauh, 5 minit lepas mengomel pasti aku lupakan. Buat apa pun fikir pasal orang lama lama. Apalah yang aku dapat, cuma dosa.

Marah-marah aku, begini begitu kata mulutku, bila aku rapat dan dekat dengan seseorang, aku jadi lembut hati dengan si polan. Kalau aku marah pun bila dia berbuat salah pada aku, esok lusa bila dia memerlukan aku, aku tak kan pernah menolak untuk membantu. Entahlah, luaran aku kasar, tapi hati aku lembik. Bukan lembut, aku tak lembut langsung, tapi lembik.

Tadi aku berjalan di kota penuh kenangan. Entah kenapa hati aku sayu. Aku tak pernah membenci, tapi aku fikir ini semua takdir Illahi. Dan aku yang hina ini terima seadanya. Biarlah aku jauh darinya, sekurangnya aku jauh dari dosa. Yang lepas itu takkan dapat diputar kembali, takkan boleh aku padamkan dari kotak minda aku. Tapi aku berdoa agar Tuhan permudahkan masa depanku.

Aku akui kadang itu aku jauh dariNya. Tapi akan aku cuba supaya aku kurang leka dan lalai. InsyaAllah.

Untuk seseorang, sekiranya Tuhan sayang kan kita, dan kita percaya kepada tiap sesuatu yang Tuhan tentukan, hadapi lah segala yang di hadapan kita dengan redha. Dekat atau jauh, sakit atau perih, bukan kita untuk tentukan, tapi tugas kita untuk belajar menerima dan redha.

Semoga suluh hatimu dan hatiku terang. Semoga hatimu dan hatiku terbuka untuk kembali kepada jalan Allah.

bugger

2011-11-08T21:33:00.000-08:00

you can't ask for something that's not meant to be, to ever be.

silent secret

2011-11-05T00:02:00.000-07:00

I can't say it to you, but I do think about you all the time. Like all the time.

why we sometimes take people for granted

2011-10-25T03:32:00.000-07:00

There's a lot of reasons why.

But first let us differentiate between 'taking people for granted' and 'choosing not to be friends anymore'.

Taking people for granted, in my opinion is when that person never did anything wrong to you, but suddenly, both of you just drifted apart, without any particular reasons. And you don't care about that person anymore, you think about her/him but you are just too lazy to pick up the phone, or drop by once in a while, or maybe you are not lazy, but you just don't have time, you are too busy, you are too far apart, bla bla bla, the list goes on.

While in the other hand, choosing not to be friends, is well, is how it is. Its understandable right. You don't like this and that of that person. You just get away from her/him and decide this relationship is not worth the time, this person makes my life hell, this person brings out the worst in me, etcetera.

Now we are going to discuss, maybe not discuss, maybe it's just me ranting, because this is pretty much a one way conversation. yes/no? yes.

Okay, I once went through a phase of 'being cool'. Let's be cool. Hang out with cool people? You're cool! Have a boyfriend and rant about how cool your boyfriend is? You're cool! Wear cool hip trendy clothes, buy hip chick mobile phone, talk cool-y, text like a cool person. Been there done that. And then things become too much. By too much I mean, things go overboard, when you are trying too hard to be cool.

Someone used to say to me "ohh, ######? that's normal, that's so cool" And I did it. Only it's not cool at all. Because it's wrong, and you shouldn't do it. All my friends decided to not be friend with me, to teach me a lesson (or so they say), and yeah after some time and after being counselled by my friends, I pretty much learnt my lesson. At that point.

And then after school, I realize, that that's not the real reason they pushed me away, its the fact that I'm an outsider, and I'll always be an outsider. I know I am, because I tried hard to be one of them, dress the way they dress, live the way they live, eat the way they eat, even talk the way they talk.

So, I decided to push them away from my life. I distanced myself, I didn't try to contact them, I didn't ask them how they have been, where they are now, I just stop caring.

And I make new circles of friends. I meet new people. I become myself this time, I don't change myself to fit in, I let people accept me for who I am, for the way I behave, for how my emotions run through our everyday life. I cope with them, they cope with me, and until this very moment, the friendships still stand strong. Though we are far apart, we are still near at heart.

That's when I learn to create different circles of friendships. I don't stick to just one group, I make more and more friends. I have this and that kind of friends, here and there. People who don't judge people who don't care about who you are, but cares of how you have been.

But through that journey, I still think about my school friends, my first circle. Though I don't appreciate them that much, I still think of them, because through that thick and thin, there's a lot of memories we shared. And I try to make amend. I try to start fresh. And I only choose one of them, one that I feel very close to, one that I thought, felt the way I felt, because we are both outsiders.

It's a long way, putting a shattered friendship back together again. It won't be perfect because you have both been through different phases in life without each other. You just have to start all over again. Like starting a new friendship. You have to learn to get to know each other again.

The way to do that is to talk, to spend time together, to learn again about that person, and after a few while, I discovered, we both felt the same way!

You see, when I decided to shut away from them, they didn't try to find me, which shows a great deal that they don't really care about the very existence of me. So why bother. Yes, we both felt alienated by the people we've grown up together with.

But it doesn't matter. As we are now different kind of people, with different perspectives in life, different upbringing, but same intention at heart. That long lost friendship is about to get back on its feet.

I'm trying to be your friend again, to be there for u as much as I can, to help you through thick and thin, because you were there for me when I needed someone to hold on to, even after a broken friendship.

To a certain someone. KISSES.

another update

2011-10-10T05:42:00.000-07:00

I hate to start my post with its been a while, but that's what keep on happening. I don"t have much time to just sit around and do magic wonders with my keyboard (as if I'm such a good writer. so perasan). But that's what I enjoy doing, so who cares right? Life's hectic, studying full time and working part time is not easy. Apparently you lost your precious time hanging out, doing fun things with fun people, or just laying around doing nothing. Your day starts early, ends very late, you're tired all the time, yada yada yada. Ok don't want to complain any further.

But, most importantly, I'm satisfied with myself, a bit concern though about the exams, coming so near, it's like a big giant monster approaching with mouth wide open, fangs so sharp can penetrate through titanium (ecehhh) nearer, nearer, aaaaaaaaaummmmmm! ngap! die. Hahaha. Seriously I'm going nuts over here!

Been missing a lot of what's happening in Malaysia lately, what's been going on with my family and friends back home. I have three month to catch up with everything back home I sure will spend the best of my time. Can't believe Baby Zara is 3 month already, so chubby and just the most adorable creature I've ever seen. I don't understand why I love my nieces and nephew so much.

If I have all the money in the world, I'd buy them all sort of things to make them happy, for them to play, for them to learn, bla bla bla, will even buy the whole Toys'R'Us for them. Might as well build like a super duper humongous playground for the three of them. Keeeeeeep dreaming silly girl.

My other sister-in-law is expecting, now that will make me a proud aunt of four yeah? Cool! Young aunty, very young. Haha.

Both my brothers are married now, next in line would be me. I'm 21 and clueless. At 21, both my silly brothers already know who they want to be with for the rest of their life, or so I thought. And being men, and getting married at 24, 25, that's a real challenge, a big deal, a fun thing too, but that's a very big risk, but they get through it. I think our parents brought us up to be more mature than our age.

It's not like we missed out on our childhood, we had a hell of a good time during our childhood, trust me!, but mom and dad really brought us up well. We are children we make mistakes, as teenagers, we do hurt our parents, like a lot, but as we grew older, all that our parents thought us really are absorbs into our heart, our soul, and it really did makes us the person we are today. With mistakes, come a whole lot of valuable experiences, ain't that true?

Back to yours truly, being clueless is really what I am. And good at it too. You can put uncertainty as my middle name.(keh keh nak jugak kan?) But seriously, when my mother talk about my future, like when I get married, if I ever get married, there's like this choking sensation at my throat, and I keep asking myself, who do I want to marry? I have no candidates, no close guys that I can choose or play eenie meenie minie more, so to whom shall I marry mother dear?

Guess you gonna have to wait like a few more freaking years. Haha.

I hate when times seems to be moving so slow sometimes and so quickly another time. I can't believe I'm going to be 22 next year, I'm really really freaking out now. I always thought by 22 I'll have my life sorted out, but if I were to learn anything, I can never get anything sorted out, just not good at organizing, though I try really hard at it. Life just doesn't want to fall the way I want it to be. Damn.

I wonder how I'm gonna feel when I'm about to reach 30. Ohhh I sure will freakkkkkk out extremely.

Ok, enough with the blabbering, I just want to note down here that at 10/10/2011 I'm completely clueless of where life is gonna take me to. So, I'll write again when I have more answers. Maybe when I have found my prince charming, or Ryan Reynolds would be just fine.

Kisses.

In between of every misery is a silver lining

2011-08-18T04:45:00.000-07:00

This routine of daily life that I've been doing, little by little, is draining me inside out. My week now stretches out to a fortnight. I have to do school every monday, tuesday, half day wednesday and thursday. And I have to work half day wednesday, friday, saturday and sunday.

Then the same cycle continues, but the next week I only have to work until friday, and have the weekend off. Do you see? Normal people get to rest every weekend, I on the other hand rest only every fortnightly.

Not to mention, I don't get to sleep at night, I have to study, do my revision, quizzes, and assignments at night. I sleep at 2 am everynight and I wake up as early as 6 or 7 am.

In addition to that, It's now the month of fasting, I don't get to regenerate my energy in the afternoon, and I work with food, oh how I'm tempted by the smell of fresh bread every morning, the scent of coffee everytime I have to pressed it. But all I can do is smell it and look at it. Sigh.

Not that I hated my job, I love what I'm doing. I love to work, working is great. The difficult part is getting up in the morning and going home with a sore body. But the working in between is totally fun! I also love studying, I love every bit of it, but yes, I get lazy. But I'm catching up quite well this semester, I manage to keep my grades, but yeah I slip at one of my subject and lost 0.8 percent. But have no worries, I'll make up to that.

However this past few days have been very hard for a reason unknown. I feel so damn tired, mentally and physically. If I can, I would love to be in bed for a total time of 24 hours, not having to get up for anything, would be very very very great.

But yeah, how can I say no to something Allah had already arranged for me. Just sent me some du'a so that everything run smoothly and that nothing bad will happen to me. Ya Allah, please give me strength for me to continue with what's been going on. Amin.

delusional

2011-07-20T20:30:00.000-07:00

dear bloggers, or people who pretend to be bloggers, or people who don't blog but read blog and still want to comment, or people who think they are bloggers, or whoever you are, human, monkeys, martians, etc.

I don't write here to attain attention, neither do I want people to read and misjudge me, nor do I want complete strangers commenting on my post, criticizing me, judging me, saying anything about me in particular. Any commentors which I don't know personally, I don't approve.

To those who blog just because other people blog, and comment just because you want me to follow your blog back, save your effort, save your energy and go running to help you lose weight, or go have sex because your wife is frustrated seeing in front on the laptop not in front of her, trying to amuse other people in the world with your crappy blog, not her.

To those who follow, even if you don't read my stuffs, I don't care, whatever, I'm not counting. I'm not gaining any money from you clicking anything on my blog.

For those who do read, a big thank you. I am not a good writer, I just write, it's what I do. It's how I keep track that I'm still alive and doing something in this world.

For those who keep pissing me off with your rude comment, why do you even bother reading? I don't need your two cents, and idiotic remarks, it just show how stupid and immature you are.

For those who keeps advertising your blog here, bug off okay? You will get readers if you have a good blog, if not, accept it, you are crappy and you have a crappy blog, don't advertise yourself, it's shameful. You look like beggars.

I write because I like to write, I want to write, AND I'M NOT TRYING TO FIND ANY ATTENTION FROM ANYBODY.

Life and problems are best friends in disguise

2011-07-18T06:19:00.001-07:00

Why I haven't been blogging for a while?

That's because Twitter has been very distracting. I could right sentence after sentence without caring what people have to say. They don't say anything otherwise they'll be called Facebook pussies who have to complain at everything other people have to say at their walls. Ohh grow some balls, if you don't like then why read it? Go read some freaking books and write a review, stop complaining and be mad at mad people. There are some creepy and overrated people at Facebook, but so what, if you don't like them, hide them, unfriend them. Easy ain't it?

What's been going on?

Nothing much, pretty much the ordinary. I'm gonna start my second semester here in uni next week. Oh and by the way, I've started working. I work in a bakery, I sell breads, sandwiches, I make coffee, I sweep, I mop, I pretty much do everything. But nevertheless, I get paid every week and I only work like 3 to 4 days a week. But as long as money comes in every time it goes out, so I'm okay with it. I'm a big spender, to have everything that I want I got to work hard. Money doesn't come easy from where I come from. You got to work hard to earn it. That's howmy folks told me to do things.

I ain't got no trust fund or a well-off parents, neither do I have a gold-digger godmother nor a sugar daddy. So if I wanted to have a Coach handbag, or a Sony PS3, or a car, or a ticket back home, I have to work for it.

Yo, why do I sound like a nigga?

I have no issues to be brought up here, I'm just babbling, trying to get my pace back in writing. I do have some things to tell though.

Lately, life has been rough, I stumbled throughout this journey called life, maybe some rocks I didn't see down at my feet. I was crying hard, inside, I don't let it show. Though my mother always have her magic wand, and that time when I called her, just to chat with her, she totally get me, she totally use her magic and she sees right through me, no matter how million trillion miles we are apart.

I got to admit, I'm a little self-contained, I don't let much show, except my difficult side, I am a very difficult person to deal with, those around me should know. You could see me laughing, you could see me being angry, but if you live with me on a daily basis, you will realize I'm not that typical next door type of a girl. Not many people can deal well with my behavior.

But I try not to make it hard for people that are not close to me. I try not to be remembered. If people talk about me, I just want them to say, "ohh that's a girl I used to know". Just that. I don't want them to go and say things like; "oh, she's a sweet girl", or "oh, she's a bad ass". I don't want people to put marks on me to judge me, and remember me when I'm old.

But I do make impact on some people I truly treasure. I'm that girl with a big personality to some people whom I really like to be with. Like my best friends and families. They are the ones who I show my real side. I have many sides but I show them my best sides. And when other people says bad thing about me, they stand up and say "no, she's not!". Because they are the only people in which I allow the judging and marking. I wanna be remembered by people who I want to remember.

Okay I totally am babbling.

Back to the story of the rock on the pathway. At one point I thought I am going to explode, Like a balloon, and the problems that keep on coming are like the helium gas tank, keep pushing and pushing the gas inside the balloon, at at it critical point it would explode. Ka-boom. But I did'nt explode. The problems did mount up high, but there was a point when I just sit down, and think with my brain not my emotion, and suddenly everything doesn't matter anymore, it all are just a piece of cake, I can truly solve them on my own, just a matter of time.

And you know who helped me? You know Who. I talk to Allah, I talk to him of my miseries, of what's been going on. I ask Allah if Allah has been watching on me, though I have not been a good servant. I cried that day after I cried to my mother, and I ask for forgiveness and guidance. And yes, if you seek Allah, Allah will always look after you, no matter how bad you are. Ask for forgiveness. And today, nothing matter anymore, I'm as happy as a chirping bird singing from tree to tree. Free.

Now there's another thing that has been mushing through my brain for a while. But this one I can not ask my mother. I just hope that one day she'll understand. She's my mother after all. I've refused to be happy for a while for some reason. I just don't know when to let that part of my heart be happy again. Time does heals, but sometime time kills.

Whatever it is, I still got time to think it through and be clear with what ever decision I shall make. And this time, there shall be no rocks on the roads.

Tempat aneh

2011-05-31T09:24:00.000-07:00

Di hujung situ ada sebuah pintu. Tebal, berat, dan siap berkunci. Sesiapa melintas pasti tertanya, apa didalamnya? Di kelilingnya sungai, airnya jernih, alirannya mendamaikan jiwa. Dari daratan hendak ke pintu, tiada jambatan. Ah, persetan, boleh berneang, tak luas mana sungainya.

Seorang cuba, wah, dingin airnya, buat apa ke pintu, usai mandi cabut lari. Tak menarik ah pintu itu. Banyak usaha nak membukanya.

Kedua pula cuba, terjun ke dalam air, bodoh, tak pandai berenang tapi mau nampak hebat. Lantas lemas, dihanyut arus.

Yang ketiga cuba bertindak cilik, dibina sampan kecil. moga-moga sampai. Berjaya rentas. Pintu ditilik, wah tebalnya, bisik hati. Diri sendiri mula sangsi, mungkin kah terjadi? Bisa pintu ini dibuka? Ah, mustahil! Pusing, patah balik, perlu apa berusaha keras untuk sebuah pintu? Banyak lagi pintu yang pusing tombol terus masuk.

Beberapa mencuba semuanya tak seikhlas mana, dari jauh nampak cantik, bila dekat rupanya susah untuk tembus. Apa guna berusaha bersungguh-sungguh untuk sesuatu yang tak tahu apa ada dalamnya.

Namun ada lagi yang sudi mencuba. Lompat ke dalam air, ah bisa berenang, itu bagus! Sampai ke tebing, kibas-kibas air, jalan ke pintu. Pintu tebal ditilik-tilik. Diusaha bagaimana hendak ditembusnya, mana kuncinya. Pusing-pusing keliling, ah jumpa! Kunci ada, pintu dibuka.

Indahnya tempat. Bukannya syurga, tapi cukup indah untuk berlapang dada. Ada taman. Bunga-bunga mekar. Cantik.

Namun bila tak dijaga, bunga-bunga layu, pokok-pokok mati, lantas hati kecewa. Berlari meninggalkan pintu terbuka.

Datang seorang lagi, jenguk-jenguk pintu terbuka. Langkah kaki masuk, ah tempat apa ini? Tak dijaga rapi? Tanah kering tak berbaja, padahal sungai didepan mata. Sayang seribu kali sayang.

Air ditatang, disiram pokoknya, dinanti bunganya, ditunggu buahnya, dirindu ranumnya.

Wah, taman kembali segar. Cantik mekar berwarna-warni. Buah nya masak ranum lazat mengenyangkan. Tapi sesudah cantik terpelihara, pintu ditutup semula.

Tidak ada seorang pun didalam, malah tidak ada juga yang bisa masuk kedalamnya. Taman kembali sunyi, suram.

Pintu di hujung situ kembali ditenung tidak berpenghuni.

exam mode

2011-05-29T05:15:00.000-07:00

exam mode. pms mode. ok. bye.

used to it

2011-05-26T07:45:00.000-07:00

I'm going back to the place where I belong. woooo weeee woooo ooohhh aaahhhh eeehhhh

BIG smile.

Though I'm not entirely there, my heart will be.!!!

the hardest goodbye

2011-05-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

It's hard when you want something, something that is so near, but not reachable enough. You can see it, you can feel it, you can smell it, and you try hard enough, you reach out your hand for it, a little more, just a little bit more, but, sadly, you still can't fetch it.

You freaked out, you curse yourself, why are you being caged? Where is the key to this massive cage? You cry, and cry some more, and you stare at that something you are trying to reach from the inside, and you cry even more.

Why is this punishment given to you? What is the meaning behind all this long suffering? What is the point of showing that something in front of your eyes, but yet still out of your reach.

Urgh, you scratch your head, you try to think hard and try to make sense of everything, but you are just so damn frustrated and angry, you just can't think hard enough.

Sit still, be calm, you said to yourself.

All this being in a cage and not being able to reach that something is a blessing in disguise. A hard way for you to try to embrace the sweetness of being in pain.

Maybe the best punishment for what I've did is time. Being caged means that I have so much time for myself to think of what I've done and repent. Time heals the pain and sorrow in one's heart.

Being caged also means being alone and it also means that I'm far from being hurt again.

And seeing that thing from afar, not being able to reach it to touch it, means I'm protected from the forbidden something. I am allowed to look at it, to feel its presence, to smell its existence, but, it just can't be mine for now. It's not mine.

You are not mine.

My heart ache for you, for my heart is you. I know how much you are in pain and so is I.

But this is not our job, this is not for us to decide, let time heals and if time is the punishment for us, then just let time decides what's best.

wedding bells trivia

2011-05-22T06:31:00.000-07:00

No, i'm not getting married.

Saja saja nak berangan.

I wonder when I were to be in a relationship, and we are to move on to the next level, how would it be?

a) Mr The One and I are in a serious relationship, never mention marriage, but thinking of a future together. Then one day, while strolling down the beach, or while having dinner in a fancy restaurant, or on top of Mount Broga ( why must Mount Broga pun taktau lah), Mr The One suddenly pulls a velvet box out of his pocket, get down on his knees and ask me to marry him. And I were to be so surprised. Yeay.

b) Mr The One and I are not in a serious relationship, but one day he says he wants things to be serious and marriage is the answer. I say yeah sure. Happy but not surprised.

c) The same thing as (b) but I were the one who suggested seriousness ( eisshh tak malu je ) but Mr The One totally agrees. Happy, plus malu, but still happy. meeheeeee.

d)Mr The One and I are in a serious relationship, suddenly he mention marriage but not like (a) situation, just informally, and one thing leads to another and marriage happens.

e) I never meet Mr The One, but mumsy arrange for me to marry him. Very traditional but kinda nice to fall in love after marriage right?

d) Mr The One and I are in a serious relationship and marriage is never a question, we both know that sooner or later it will happen, only waiting for the right time to set the date.

So I wonder, hurm, what will my wedding bells sound like?

Ilmu (1)

2011-05-21T06:47:00.000-07:00

Dulu masa zaman sekolah rendah, ada satu ustaz ni suka sangat bercerita dalam kelas. Kalau waktu cikgu lain bercerita aku malas nak dengar, aku lagi suka main baling pemadam dengan budak depan aku Syed Jaafar. Tapi bila time ustaz ni, hilang lah Syed Jaafar dari pandangan mata aku. Tertumpulah dua mata ni, pada ustaz yang aku tak ingat nama tapi agak kacak la jugak. Pandai bercerita pula, terujalah budak 11 tahun yang suka story telling ni.

Satu cerita dia, yang paling aku ingat, zaman dulu-dulu, ada seorang lelaki kaya, dia nak belajar, maka dia bayar seorang cerdik pandai ni untuk datang rumah dia, mengajar dia. Disiapkan kerusi cantik, meja cantik untuk sesi pembelajaran. Tapi orang cerdik pandai ni tak datang, duit pun dipulangkan. Orang kaya ni pelik, sebab si cerdik pandai ni memang seorang guru, ada kelas mengajar macam tu lah.

Dia cuba lagi sekali, kali ni pun perkara sama je berlaku, si cerdik pandai tak nak datang juga. Maka bergegaslah orang kaya ni ke tempat si cerdik pandai. Lalu bertanya si orang kaya kepada si cerdik pandai, awak kan guru, kenapa tak nak datang mengajar saya? Telah saya siapkan tempat untuk sesi pembelajaran kita.

Si cerdik pandai berkata, sesungguhnya, kita manusia khalifah di muka bumi ini, di suruh oleh Pencipta kita untuk bertebaran dan mencari ilmu, bukannya menanti ilmu datang kepada kita. Jika engkau serius nak belajar dan mencari ilmu sebagai bekalan dunia dan akhirat, datanglah engkau ke sini setiap hari, dan duduklah di lantai ini bersama-sama yang lain sementara aku duduk di kerusi cantik aku disini, kerana di tempat ilmu ini, akulah orang kaya kerana aku seorang guru, dan engkau pula seorang miskin, kerana engkau menagih ilmu dari aku.

Ha, lebih kurang macam tu la. Tak ingat sangat, sebab dah lama dah pun.

Tapi sebabkan cerita ni, aku jadi mau menjadi seorang penagih ilmu. Aku suka membaca, aku suka mencari, aku suka mengkaji. Walaupun tak consistent semua tu, tapi aku tau, memang naluri aku, bila aku tau satu perkara, aku nak tau dengan lebih mendalam. Semua orang pun macam tu kot?

Tapi sifat inquisitive tu memang satu sifat dalam diri aku yang merupakan kegemaran aku.

Kalau dulu aku further study dalam bidang law, dan end up jadi lawyer, aku rasa aku akan jadi lawyer yang paling hebat keluarkan hujah-hujah kasi menang.

Walaupun aku tak tau dalam pasal profesion peguam ni, tapi aku kasi sama je lah dengan masa aku dalam team parliamentary debate dulu-dulu kan. Masa tu aku lah paling juara cari point nak bidas orang. Yang print tebal-tebal sampai pukul 2-3 pagi sememeh baca segala alam artikel berkenaan, yang kendong thesaurus cikgu aku yang besar gedabak tak pernah aku jumpa buku tebal amcam tu, kehulu kehilir, nak cari perkataan-perkataan out of the world punya kasi opponent tak faham. Yang pergi baca buku peraturan sekolah macam-macam bagai nak cari info pasal rotan. Yang menyanyi masa debate. Akulah itu.

Bab menyanyi tu, kalau aku menyanyi dalam courtroom mau kene warning dengan tuan hakim. Tak pun confirm second chair aku mintak recess dengan yang arif sebab malu dengan perlakuan temannya. Confirm kene sekolah.

Tapi yang nak dikat nya disini, jangan pernah malas mencari ilmu. Aku rasa lepas degree, walaupun aku tak dapat nak sambung master ke, aku akan pergi kelas-kelas pembelajaran yang lain, pergi belajar literature ke, belajar jahit baju ke, belajar scuba sampai jadi master scuba ke, sambung belajar painting ke, apa-apa je lah lagi. Aku tak nak jadi seorang yang mahir engineering je, tu pun sebab aku ada degree engineering.

Dan aku harap suatu hari aku dapat juga kekuatan nak pergi belajar agama di kelas-kelas formal dari ustaz-ustaz yang bertauliah, macam yang mak aku buat sekarang. Bukan macam sekarang, belajar dari internet je. Hihi.

Birthday!

2011-05-08T10:40:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, but I don't have much time to update because life has been evolving around school works these past few days.

Since early May, the lecturers and tutors has been piling up assignment for us like there's no tomorrow.

So, to celebrate my birthday, or to even remember it's my birthday should be considered a sin. Ok, over gila.

But my housemates and my friends are kind enough to make my gloomy day shine a little. They organized a little surprise party for me. I didn't expect anybody would do anything because everyone were so busy with works.

I was at home, alone, they are supposed to be out somewhere, but they are actually just hiding in the garage, and suddenly somebody knock, i guess they forget something or anything.

But, no! There they are, a bunch of my close friends with a cake and cute candles and spaghetti and all.

They are just sweeties aren't them?

But I was on a diet, not a real diet, just decreasing the amount of my food intake slowly and avoiding carbs and sugar. So I wasn't really in the mood to eat. But I do take a few bite considering all the efforts. But no worries, my friends are all eaters, even if I didn't eat anything, they'll still be happy munching. That's fine enough. Don't worry about leftovers, there won't be any.

Here's a few pictures. (I was in my sleep attire with my wool socks and all, so I look awful)

cute candles

the birhtday cake

elle

Well, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me!

back from a much needed vacation

2011-04-30T20:11:00.000-07:00

My feet are back in Melbourne's land. I'm having flu, sore throat and my body is weak.

I hate flying, because I can't stand the pressure. Or maybe because I was having flu, the pain in my ear and in my head was unbearable. My ear was still ringing when the plane had landed, it was still ringing when I arrived safely back home.

So many new experience, so many beautiful places that I've seen. I'm in love with Tasmania. I surely recommend whoever in painful stress to go there. Very calm,and pretty, so you'll be distracted most of the times. Subhanallah.

I'll update when my flu is over.

Banyak soal

2011-04-23T12:22:00.000-07:00

Sebelum berangkat ke mana juga aku akan pergi beberapa jam lagi, aku nak tulis semua yang ada dalam otak aku, supaya bila pulang dari this so called ''take your mind of things vacay'', segala selirat yang ada dalam otak aku akan tersusun.

Kerja di meja bersusun. Dah, aku dah cuba habiskan dalam masa dua hari ni. Ada progress, sekurangnya, lecture-lecture yang aku tertinggal, aku dah cover. Tapi sebab hari semalam penyakit perempuan aku datang, semua jadi tergemdala. Apa yang aku mampu cuma telan pain killer berkali-kali, golek atas katil, dan pura-pura tidur, pura-pura sakit pergi. Bila tersedar dari ruang waktu kesakitan, langit nampak gelap, perasaan nak ke ruangan kerja hilang. Sudahnya aku melepek sampai pagi atas katil hadap laptop.

Kalau ada sesiapa nak tau rahsia buruk aku, pain killer aku tak guna masa senggugut saja. Tapi bila hati aku tercekik, diseksa, tak mampu berdegup sempurna, sakit yang aku tak rasa secara fizikal, tapi aku masih rasa sakitnya, maka pain killer jadi teman. Hey, kan namanya pembunuh kesakitan? Jadi haruslah aku membunuh kesakitan jiwa aku. Lima ratus milligram kali dua. Cukup untuk buat aku tenang.

Tak, aku tak ketagih, tapi kadang-kadang itu solusi paling mudah paling cepat paling berkesan untul aku. Bila tidur, bila sahabat, bila ibu, bila coklat dan semua penghilang tekanan yang lain tidak dapat digunakan.

Itu soal kerja, dan soal dadah recreational aku. Bila sambung bab permasalahan, aku rasa jiwa aku paling sengsara. Mungkin jiwa aku nombor dua sengsara sebab rahim aku lebih sengsara biasanya setiap bulan bila sakit datang. Tapi aku rasa jiwa aku terbeban. Mungkin sebab aku sendiri. Kenapa selalu ada rasa jauh dari Tuhan, jauh dari diri sendiri. Mungkin aku tak tekun bila berdoa. Tak khusyuk bila sujud.

Macam mana bila bersama semua orang yang aku kenal, aku masih rasa aku tak kenal mereka? Atau semua orang berubah? Semua orang maju kedepan, sedangkan aku masih disini tak kenal diri, tak maju sendiri. Atau aku yang berubah terlalu banyak, hingga aku rasa janggal sendiri? Risau tentang perkara-perkara yang tak sepatutnya aku risau. Berdalih dengan diri sendiri?

Masalah identiti. Bila agaknya aku akan keluar dari ruang lingkup remaja keliru. Dan mula jadi dewasa tau siapa diri. Boleh jawab bila orang tanya siapa kau.

Apa kau jawab bila orang tanya 'siapa kau?'. Kalau kau jawab 'oh saya Milah' kau belum cukup dewasa kau masih belum dapat nak elaborate siapa Milah dalam dunia luas ini.

Soal diri tiada jawapan pasti, masih ada lagi soal hati. Yang pastinya tak ketemu jawapan juga nanti.

Kenapa bila tiada di depan mata, baru aku ingin, bila disua dilempar melekat di kaki tak mau pergi, aku jadi benci? Betul aku benci? Atau aku sekadar tak mengerti? Atau buat-buat tak mengerti? Kenapa aku rasa bayang-bayang itu selalu kejar aku, tapi bila aku berhenti dia masih mengejar? Tak berhenti.

Mungkin aku masih marah. Mungkin aku sekadar angkuh. Mungkin aku tersepit antara apa yang aku mahukan, apa yang aku perlukan, apa yang orang tua ku harapkan. Tiga keadaan yang berbeza. Masing-masing mahukan perkara yang berbeza juga,

Bila ibu kau sendiri kata cari yang lain saat hati kau membentak mahukan yang lama, tapi mampukah mulut dan minda kau mengatakan tidak pada si bunda?

Setiap kalipun bila hati kau merayu pada minda logik itu, yang mengatakan ibu pasti lebih tau, pasti lebih mengerti, pasti lebih arif, saat itu titis-titis suam mula mengalir. Tak, hati tak kan menang, hati takkan dapat apa yang dia inginkan. Sebab akal bijak menyekat.

Sepatutnya akal lebih arif dari hati. Bukan?

Hati itu melulu, hati itu buta, hati itu degil, hati itu jahil.

Akal pergi sekolah.

Memang aku takkan dapat pinta simpati dari sesiapa, nasihat dari sesiapa. Sebab tanpa kau sedar hidup kau sebenarnya berbeza dari mereka, sedekat manapun mereka, berselirat manapun pertalian kau dengan dia, kau harus tau, dunia setiap manusia tidak sama.

Maka kau nasihatkan diri sendiri, cari penyelesaian sendiri, berhenti bergantung sampai suatu hari kau mampu untuk telan semua daki dunia sendiri, tanpa bantuan, dan tanpa lemas. Kau belajar tabah.

Sebab aku selalu nyanyi 'jika engkau pergi, bulan dan bintang masih tetap di langit' maka aku selalu ingatkan diri yang dunia ini masih serupa tak kira kau di hati atau di kaki.

Ada takda kau di sisi, aku masih perlu makan, aku masih boleh tidur, aku masih tau mandi, aku tetap kena pergi sekolah, kaki aku masih langkahnya kedepan, bunga tetap terus berkembang, hujan masih turun dengan izin Tuhan, kuku aku masih pinta dipotong tiap minggu, jerawat tetap keluar waktu tertentu. Tiada apa yang berubah.

Cuma sekelumit ruang di hati tergeliat, masih juga bukan sesuatu yang fizikal. Dalam sebuah kesimpulan tiada apa yang berubah tentang aku.

Cinta yang aku rasa tetap cinta, masih cinta. Cuma cinta itu bukan aku yang punya.

Soal hati tiada penamat, cuma tunggu ketentuan Tuhan. Aku tiada jawapan, dan kau pun takkan mampu beri jawapan.

Soal orang sekeliling aku tak berapa peduli sebab aku terbiasa hidup dalam ilusi sendiri. Cuma yang penting keluarga aku selamat, sebab aku jauh, ibu aku seorang yang suka sembunyikan duka, kadang-kadang aku jadi si bodoh yang risau tak kena tempat.

Dah. Cukup sampai sini. Dah subuh. Aku tak boleh sembahyang tapi aku nak pergi jalan-jalan. Dari tingkap aku nampak udara luar lambai-lambai aku suruh aku sedut masuk dalam paru-paru.

Harus cepat subuh datang sekejap saja.

'Do you understand me?'

2011-04-22T06:03:00.000-07:00

I hate it when you explain something to a man, and you ask him, "do you understand?" and he says "yeah I do, I totally do" but he actually don't.

Why, why do they always do that?

And the worst part is, the next time the same thing came up, you just have to repeat yourself over and over again of the same thing.

I though he said he understood??

durh

2011-04-20T02:01:00.000-07:00

Some people have no sense of humor at all, gah!

NEXT!

2011-04-18T06:03:00.000-07:00

google

hah. lawan tengok. siapa lagi jiwang

2011-04-14T04:28:00.000-07:00

It's hard

2011-04-13T04:31:00.000-07:00

It's hard, I have to admit. This chosen path is hard to go through.

But,

saya nak balik

2011-04-10T03:12:00.000-07:00

Sesungguhnya, kat sini, tiada tempat untuk saya berlari. Kecuali treadmill. Dan pedestrian walk. Maaf, maksud saya lari dari masalah. Kalau dulu, diwaktu stress, boleh balik rumah ibu bapa. Kalau duit tak sampai nak balik Johor Bahru, boleh pergi rumah abang, rumah kakak, rumah sepupu di Kuala Lumpur. Boleh ponteng kelas isnin sebab terlalu syok lepak bersama. Hujung minggu boleh jalan pergi pantai, pergi tengok wayang dengan orang sekeliling buat macam-macam aktiviti.

Sini, takde tempat boleh lari. Rumah sendiri. Hadapi realiti.

Haih.

Raining

2011-04-09T22:15:00.001-07:00

Its raining outside. Just like my heart inside.

Funnnnnaaayyyhhh!!

2011-04-09T01:23:00.000-07:00

Ok there's this really funny story. I catually have a formspring account. But I'm not that much into formspring. Well, basically they just ask you a bunch of stupid question, and you answer it stupidly too. Sometimes, people try reallyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy hard to be funny, to look stupid, they just look pathetic and idiotic.

Konon-konon lawak lucah-lucah best.

For a moment, I become one of them, I tried to be funny with my answer, or stupid actually. But I got bored, so many unknown people asking me my deepest, deepest secret, I guess, I should just ignore them, right?

I start ignoring people, well I start ignoring formspring wholly too. Because I was just so damn BORED with it.

For months, okay, months, I took no care of it, I didn't even log in to answer any question.

Tapi hari ni rasa gatal kan nak buka, ok, maka aku buka lah. Ada satu minah ni.

Kelakar ok minah ni.

2month ago -

ini pengalaman sy, awk pula bagaimana? apa awk buat bila tiba2 ternampak 1 pasangan yg baru nak mula buat hubungan asmara tbe2 terkejut dgn kehadiran awk. adakah awk buat2 x tahu atau awk melatah atau...? sila jawab ;))

6weeks ago -

biasa lelaki nangis sbb apa ek?

5weeks ago -

karakter perempuan yg comel tapi x annoying tu bagaimana? cer kasi cth sket.

5weeks ago -

perempuan dan shopping mmg sukar di pisahkan. kenapa ye? help me! (sambil seluk2 poket kosong -_-" )

3weeks ago -

who the f*** following me tp kerek2 baik blah.

Bitter gila. Ok fine la memang aku yang follow kau, tapi dah orang tak nak jawab soalan kau, apa ada hal?

Yang kau sampai nak maki orang kenapa ek? Dah la nak cakap fuck pun nak kene censor.

Not enough attention I guess. You see people are spamming me, asking question that they copy and paste to every one of their contacts. People are trying so so hard to look interesting.

Kan.

Maybe takde life sangat kat kehidupan sebenar, maka berusaha gila kat alam maya ni.

I'm just so lazy to look for the button to remove my account.

Benda-benda lain rajin baut, tapi yang tu malas.

So let see in a few months more will there be another bitter old lady, or this girl might still be bitter by then.

Cheers.

Where?

2011-04-08T05:16:00.001-07:00

Where in any certain part of my heart do you live?

If and only if

2011-04-07T09:09:00.001-07:00

If maybe one day, you appear on my doorsteps, what should i say?

I kinda miss you, but i hate you at the same time, what should i feel then?

There's a million thoughts about being with you, but there's two million reasons why i should not.

Tell me, if i'm helpless, will you be my saviour? If the world damned me, will you stand by me?

Will you be by my side through every hardness and miseries life offers?

If i already have one that replaces you, will you hate me?

But if the latter one left me, or decided not to be with me anymore, does that mean you are the one? Will you caress me like you usually do?

Now, give me some answers, dear Temot. I need to know.

Mommy would you send me my Temot alreadyyyyyy??? This new bear felt so wrong in my arms.

Mini Buttercake

2011-04-07T04:23:00.000-07:00

Sepatutnya kek ni besar, bulat macam kek biasa-biasa tu. Tapi hari ni gedik nak buat yang kecil-kecil, ala-ala cupcakes. Tapi takde paper cups, jadi belasah je jadi macam muffin. Haha. Belasah je.

Pastu buat icing coklat and vanilla. Yang segera sahaja. Gelak lagi.

Comel kan? Macam cendawan.

Lepas tu, separuh letak icing chocolate, separuh letak icing vanilla. Yang chocolate saya hias dgn vanilla icing. Yang vanilla shiro hias dengan icing chocolate.

Lepas tu kita posing sikit. Boleh?

Ni yang saya hias!

Ni yang Shiro hias!

Hasilnya!

Haha comel kan? Comel plus comot. Tapi suka. sebab lazat dan buatan tangan. Kitorang guna balik kotak cheesecake minggu lepas, sebab kami takde bekas yang besar nak simpan kek-kek cute ni. Reuse okay. Don't increase the height of your landfill!

BTW, have a nice weekend!

awesome

2011-04-02T20:23:00.000-07:00

I can tolerate pain, but not heartache. Oh if I can cut my fingers to divert my heartache, I'll surely will.

A change person I am, but anger crept all over my veins.

Thank God hair are dead cells, but it gives me satisfaction that I need.

Only to realize that I have to turn to the hairstylist in the end due to uneven cut by myself.

There goes my ka-ching.

Easter

2011-04-01T18:30:00.000-07:00

Next stop, Vegas babyyy!!!

adventure

2011-03-30T02:50:00.000-07:00

I need some adventure to get my adrenaline running. They've been locked since all I do now is sit at this bloody table, revising lecture and solving engineering question.

Seriously need to do something to pump all the adrenaline in me!

This looks like fun.

Pain

2011-03-17T06:33:00.001-07:00

This cold is pain. And this pain hurts deeply that it really touches my pain receptor giving me unmentionable real pain. Sun please shine quick. I've never love u like this before but now it's you i needed the most.

I try hard to be a better me, but sometimes I try so hard that I think my heart and my brain are going to explode. Because I have to fake it. I have to fake liking you, I have to fake smiling to you, even worst I just feel like screaming right in your face and telling you how I hate you and this stupid rule you lay out yourself.

But I didn't. Because I'm just not like that anymore, I try really hard to not hurt you, because I think I'm too old for catfight. Plus I've hated one person strong enough that I'm not able to hate another soul anymore.

Hatred in your heart will just weaken your soul and a weak heart dies faster.

Sickness

2011-03-16T04:56:00.001-07:00

Tak boleh duduk sorang-sorang, mesti nak sedih je. I miss home and I hate being alone.

Brighton Beach

2011-03-12T21:06:00.000-08:00

The sand was hell hot, but the water was freezing cold.

But I had so much fun soaking my body in sea water.

As always.

No tittle

2011-03-10T05:34:00.001-08:00

I don't know about other people, but I'm kind of piss with what people do around here. Thanks for your concern, but I'm quite big enough to cook for myself, to have breakfast on my own, to sleep alone and to do many other things I feel please to do. Especially in my own house.

I don't mind people coming and visiting, but sometimes you just have to know and understand your limits and of course other people privacy.

I don't need parental guidance or an elder sister to take care of me. I'm capable on my own feet. I don't need you watching over me falling every now and then. I need to fall, so that I can get up again on my own, and learn. My brothers let me fall, they let me do mistakes, so why are u treating me like a four year old kid?

Yeah, you can say I'm ignorant, self-centered, so full of myself, well, i chose to be that way. So?

And I'm freaking 21!!! I now have my own freaking house, you think I still need a warden or something? Gah!

Please, I know you meant well, but do respect the privacy in my own sanctuary.

And I don't need any kind of clusters that promise friendship forever, but actually divides people and make one hate another, competing against each other. Are you competing on which group have the most members or something? Well, you can count me out. Thanks.

Yes I am actually trying hard to be so disrespectful. What do you have to say then?

A little update

2011-03-08T04:12:00.000-08:00

Sorry for abandoning you my little sweet sweet blog. I've been busy, and internet connection is still not in the air.

Life have been hectic, but pleasurable. Most of my life are starting to make sense, everything is falling into its rightful places. I'm glad.

I'm doing a lot of studying, in campus, because home is just sweet home, i'm too in love with my house, I couldn't concentrate much on my study. Har har.

Landlord's name is Poppy, a Greece hot granny, very nice and warm, always planting kisses on our cheeks every coming and going. Poppy have been much help in making our house a better place to stay.

Neighbours are also warm and friendly. Always waving, and greeting us everytime we passed by their house. Jim and Mary always welcome us home from school with 'Howwa ya mate?', 'sunny day ain't it?', 'school's doing great?' and many other conversation that are quite un-understandable. Another har har. Plus Jim said if there's anything you ever need, just yell! Such nice people. And Mary gave us some beans, that she and Jim planted themselves. Great. (specifically : kacang buncis)

Wake up every morning at 6.30am for subuh prayer, sometimes sleep back in, sometimes went straight to the kitchen to have breakfast. Housemates have been great company since. Walk to class, if too cold, put my mittens on, if sunny, enjoy the sun!

After class, most of the time, we go to the gym, hit the treadmill before going to fitness classes. Body combat, zumba, cycle class, and bla bla bla. Just to keep the calorie burning so that I can eat anything I want without guilt. Night come quite a little bit late than Malaysia. Maghrib is around 8.30 in the evening.

Days are quite long, so by night, we are quite tired, have dinner, pray, study, and then off to dreamland.

On weekends, we try hard to have activities, or go for sight seeing, but other time, it felt better to stay at home and rest, after five days of hectic classes.

Been missing home a lot, been crying without a shoulder to cry on a little. Been reminiscing quite a lot. Most of all, I just hate the fact that I cannot run away anymore everytime there's something wrong. Because it's just me and myself here, comforting each other the best way we could.

But I thank Allah I'm already here.

It's good here. The weather has started to become quite cold, what's with autumn coming. I can't imagine how winter would be. But it's okay, I have my coats and gloves ready. Come out come out wherever you are winter dear.I'm not afraid of you. Har har.

Can't wait to go snowing on the mountains! Yeay!

I AM BOOK CRAZY

2011-02-05T06:29:00.000-08:00

Wordless. Too in love:)

Berikan bantuan kepada Johnny

2011-02-01T10:03:00.000-08:00

Saya mempunyai kondisi gigi yang teruk. Disebabkan dulu pernah jatuh dalam jamban kat sekolah, jadi gigi saya mengalami trauma yang sangat hebat! Kasihan dia. Saya namakan gigi saya Johnny.

Kisah Johnny

Johnny adalah seorang sahabat yang baik. Dia sentiasa menemani saya sepanjang masa. Di waktu makan dia banyak membantu. Saya sayaaaaaaaaaaaaang Johnny.

Suatu hari saya ke sekolah. Dan saya sangat suka bergaduh dengan kanak-kanak lelaki. Ntah kenapa saya pun tak tau. Mungkin sebab abang saya pengawas ketika itu, jadi saya ada back upbesar lah kira nya. HAHAHA.

Saya berkejar-kejaran bersama teman-teman yang kebanyakan nya lelaki. Berlaku perselisihan faham. Berlaku adegan tolak-menolak, dan saya yang kurus ketika itu, terhumban menyembah lantai. "Jooooohhhhnnnnyyyyyy" saya menjerit. Risau saya tentang sahabat saya. Apa lagi bila dia mengaduh sakit.

Johnny tidak dapat diselamatkan. Dirinya patah. Sahabat baik saya tidak seperti dulu lagi. Dia sering murung.

Saya dan emak seringkali pergi mendapatkan rawatan doktor. Tetapi apa yang dapat doktor gigi lakukan adalah menampal sahaja diri Johnny yang patah. Doktor tidak memberitahu langsung keadaan dalaman Johnny yang juga parah.

Johnny cuba untuk ceria semula. Saya tahu dia hanya berpura-pura. Kadang-kadang dia ada mengaduh yang dia sakit, seperti berdenyut-denyut katanya. Tapi saya selalu tidak mengendahkan Johnny. Saya suruh dia duduk diam-diam. Saya beritahu dia kita kan kuat. Jangan nak manja sangat.

Beberapa kali kamu cuba mendapatkan rawatan doktor pergigian lagi. Tapi sistem klinik kerajaan adalah sangat rumit dan saya tak mampu untuk berulang alik selalu ke klinik kerajaan. Saya dan Johnny masing-masing bersekolah asrama. Jadi kami diamkan permasalahan kami.

Nak ke klinik swasta, duit yang banyak diperlukan. Kami tau tentang itu, maka kami tidak meminta-minta dari keluarga. Keluarga Johnny, keluarga saya masing-masing tidak berada.

Hingga lah suatu saat, saya bekerja part time. Duit gaji saya simpan untuk membayar rawatan Johnny. Doktor swasta memberitahu bahawa trauma dalaman Johnny sudah teruk, dia memerlukan pembedahan. Dari klinik biasa kami ditukarkan ke klinik pakar swasta. Tentang bayaran, saya beritahu Johnny jangan risau, saya akan tanggung. Sekarang saya ada duit.

Semasa di klinik pertama, Johnny dikorek, dimasukkan besi, getah, diletak ubat dan berbagai-bagai lagi. Saya tau Johnny sakit, tapi dia kuat. Saya bagi dia semangat. "Awak kene kuat Johnny!". Tetapi doktor berkata, dia tidak ada kepakaran kerana kondisi Johnny sangat teruk. Dia memerlukan rawatan pakar.

Kemudian kami ke klinik pakar. Saya tau Johnny tak suka dengan doktor itu. Dia garang. Tapi Johnny diamkan. Dia sakit. Macam-macam yang doktor itu buat pada Johnny.

Tetapi, doktor berkata untuk menghabiskan rawatan akar Johnny memerlukan masa 2 minggu. Kami tidak ada masa dua minggu, kami akan pergi menyambung pelajaran di Koalaland. Kemudian doktor berkata, "you can go home lah".

Tak guna doktor itu.

Tapi yang lagi sedih tentu lah Johnny. Dirinya sudah berada dalam keadaan kritikal. Saya tidak mahu kehilangan Johnny buat selamanya. Saya sayangkan Johnny. Dia sahabat baik saya. Tolonglah kami. Jangan buat kami terpisah. Saya sayangkan Johnny...Oh, Johnny..!

Johnny yang ditengah-tengah ketika ada besi dimasukkan kedalamnya. Kasihan Johnny kondisinya tidak sama seperti rakan-rakan sebayanya.

P/S : Kepada sesiapa yang sudi membantu, silalah memberi sumbangan kepada Johnny. Kasihan dia. Tak sanggup tengok dia menderita. RCT diperlukan secepat mungkin.

dah start cuak!

2011-01-31T03:33:00.001-08:00

blur. tolong. please

My debating years

2011-01-29T07:10:00.000-08:00

Suddenly I have so much on my mind. Har har.

It happen when I was in Form 2 and Form 3, although basically I debate with everyone I love throughout my whole life. It's just what I love to do.

I totally enjoyed debating because my coach was terribly awesome. It's Ms Ida and Mr Chow. They're the coolest teacher. We had so much fun deriving ideas and pointing out cases, pros and cons to breakdown the opponents arguments.

And in MRSM, its the parliamentary style debate, so you can imagine the serious faces, hands taking down notes and points, flash cards, kids in suits, people arguing this and that. "Points of information, sir!" ; "Excuse me, but I think you have it wrong sir" ; " If I may interrupt your speech" and yabeda yabedoo.

So that day, we were against which MRSM I don't remember, but the motion was 'Teachers should wear school uniform to school' something like that, and my team were to go against the motion. I was the second speaker. I was talking quite confidently, my speech all laid out neatly, points accordingly, rebuttal and stuff. I was talking about confidence and teachers feeling good of what they wear so they have self esteem, and identity, which makes it easier for the students to identify their teacher's characters and to follow what's good and yabeda yabedoo.

I was so high, so confident, and I said something like, "everybody wants to feel good in what they wear so that they can be so confident in what they are about to. Like me, I'm in my suit and I feel so good debating here", and I sang " I feel good, na na na na na na, I know that I would".

Blank.

You see, it's just two harmless lines, but the whole room erupted with laughter. And suddenly I became nervous.

But when seeing the score sheets, I actually get the highest point on strategy. And hell yeah, we won that round.

It's not something that you can do in a parliamentary style debate, but I guess it's a one time thing, so I was forgiven.

So debaters, don't so this, sure thing, I was scold by my coaches, but they did bought us KFC as promised, for winning.

ZA True White Plus Skincare

2011-01-29T06:00:00.000-08:00

Attention : There's nothing clinical about this post.

Now I finally found solace in my facial treatment range. It took me long enough to find the most suitable product for my combination skin. Be it cheap or expensive, nothing works better than ZA True White Plus Skincare.

I have combination skin. Oily, acne, dry, sensitive, okay I'm being my own doctor. But you can imagine right, you just name it. Terrible.

Not the one with smooth, fair, blemish free skin. Some people are fortunate enough to have small pores, non-sensitive skin. But people like me, the journey to find the perfect partner for my skin is very challenging. Haha!

I started having pimples at a very young age. I think when I was in lower form, my skin was at its critical condition. I have pimples all over my face, big scary pimples, I tell you! I was not confident with myself.

Even during debates and talks, I do not worry about my speech, I usually am in control of that part. What worry me most was hundreds of people staring at my ugly face. That they would laugh at my super-red complexion due to my severe case of acne. But they actually didn't. Well some people actually listen to what you have to said. But they do laugh at me, not because of my face, but because I sang while I was debating, parliamentary style! What's with me? Haha. You do not sing while you debate, especially not in the parliamentary style. Well that's another chapter to talk about.

Now back to my younger years. The problems does not stop until I was in my Form Five. I tried different types of beauty range. From facial cleanser, to acne cream. Mild products to extra strong products. But none of it works. The best part, it worsen my condition. Gah! But at that time, knowledge was limited. What's with being in boarding school. The only products I know were the one commercially promoted in the television. Which actually brings me no good at all.

At the end of my SPM years, I decided to play safe. I used a very mild facial cleanser, which is Eversoft Avocado. Cheap, but very useful. It doesn't irritate my skin much further. My skin stays the way it is. With pimples yes, but not painful, like the other products did.

A few months later, I think that was the time when my hormonal changes are becoming more stable, the pimples start to vanish on its own accord. My menses are in accordance, so thus my pimples growth. They only came once in a month, and not as much as it used to be.

And that's the point where I started to lose myself again with beauty products! No lessons learned.

Now, the pimples are all gone, what's left was the scars and blemishes. So being a girl, an immature girl, I want it all gone. I went to the drug store and found one product in a beautiful glass container, with nozzle and butterflies and stuffs. No I didn't actually find it, the sales person recommended it to me. But the bottle is so cute, I couldn't resist. Quite expensive too.

First bottle went nicely. Not much effect, but it smells nice, so I decided to settle on this product. I continue for the second bottle. This time around, my skin starts to become so oily that's it's so ugly, and my skin starts to become super sensitive again. I haven't used half of it yet, I decided to throw it away. Fly my money fly.

Eversoft Avacado to the rescue again. Sigh.

I don't really remember when I change to ZA True White. End of my Form Five years I think. Because someone recommended it to me. And it's been good to me. So good. Even better than Eversoft because it has whitening effect. Typical. Woman. I know.

So I've been using it ever since. I did change a few times to other products, because I got bored. But the same scenario happen again like de javu. And back to ZA all over again.

I'm not here to criticize of this product or that product. I'm just jotting down my life experiences. It's nothing clinical, not even to promote anything. I've been using some other products which are even more expensive than this, I can even hear my last penny being drop onto the cashier counter. Cling cling cling.

But ZA has been treating my skin very well, why not you try, for those who has not found the right skincare yet.

It has facial cleanser, prismizer which acts like a toner or lotion to your skin, get rid of the dead skin cells on your surface, and emulsion which clarify your skin even further. Oh and then there's the cream, as the moisturizer. If you're using all of this, you'll find it quite oily at first, but give your skin a 10 minutes rest after applying everything for it to fully matted on your skin.

Use twice daily. Well I did. So...

P/S : Do they have this in Australia?

Someone

2011-01-27T09:56:00.000-08:00

And at the end of the day, you just need some one to cry with you, a shoulder to lean on and a torso you can hug :)

past leads to the future

2011-01-16T06:54:00.000-08:00

Now I know what's in your heart, what's in your mind. You are just a broken soul, with not much to offer. What's there in your heart are all rusty and moldy. There's nothing fresh there, there's nothing pretty, there's nothing to treasure. All what's left are your stupid words and promises you'll never make.

I've promise myself, I will do better in the future. I will try to be better in every aspect of my life. I will live my life to the fullest.

And to do so, I will have to forget everything about you and to live in pain for a few moments. And I don't mind suffering for something that I know will be better and a lot nicer in the future.

Keep hurting people's hurt, that's what you do best. And I wish you luck.

To the person who has cost me my life, I leave it to God for payback.

Them, I will always love

2011-01-15T03:09:00.000-08:00

Okay, alkisahnya hari ini adalah hari terakhir aku bekerja sebagai seorang barista, cashier, tukang cuci pinggan, cleaner, kuli, cacai dan bla bla bla di Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, City Square. Woot woot.

Tadi kali terakhir punch out, siap suruh Beby tangkap kan gambar. Tapi taktau kenapa gambar tak masuk pun dalam memory card. Gila sedih.

Bila pusing je, nak angkat beg, nak lari cepat-cepat ni, sebab dah tau, memang adat kat sini, orang yang nak berhenti disirami air mop, dibaling telur dan macam lagi. Bila pusing je, semua dah elok-elok beratur buat barisan belakang aku. Baik yang manager yang tak berapa nak manager, tangan semua elok je simpan belakang.

Aim target, aku gerak je dua langkah, hah amik kau! Yang sorang selimut aku dengan whip cream, yang sorang pecah telur atas kepala aku, sorang lagi simbah dengan air maggi sengaja simpan lepas makan tadi. A'ah elok sangat lah tu. GGRRRRR!!!

Bila aku nak buat serangan balas, elok je semua lari laju-laju. Yang sorang nak layan customer la, yang sorang nak pergi buat servis la. Geram je. Bila aku dapat can nak baling telur kat assistant manager aku, Wani, boleh pulak telur tu taknak pecah kat atas bahu dia, jatuh berderai kat atas simen. Punah harapan. Hahaha.

Bagi aku, ini adalah pengalaman terbaik sepanjang hidup aku, selain dari snorkeling dan panjat gunung dan lain-lain perkara, this is the most interesting phase of my life! Working part time.

Okay, sebenarnya jakun, sebab orang lain semua pernah kerja part time, aku je yang tak pernah.

But, unlike other shops around me, I think we here in Coffee Bean, keep a close relationship between the team members. And I can say that I love them like brothers and sisters.

Brothers and sisters yang boleh ajak main kejar-kejar, lepak-lepak, teman makan, pergi mengular, kutuk orang, pau aiskrim Baskin Robin, pau ayam Kenny Rogers, macam-macam lagi lah. Macam teman sepermainan. Tapi ni macam orang-orang yang dah nak tua tak sedar diri ingat diri tu kanak-kanak lagi masih comel-comel. Perasan sungguh masing-masing. Huh.

Okay, kerja kat sini, semua orang kisah pasal kau. Tak dinafikan, mereka semua memang kaki gosip, baik perempuan baik lelaki. Tapi makan minum kau diorang kisah, masalah kau masalah diorang, dan kalau kau kacau seorang team member, kau kacau semua kat Coffee Bean tu. Macam tu lah lebih kurang. Kaki buli diorang nombor satu. Lagi-lagi buat insan tak bermaya macam aku ni. Sob sob.

Sakit hati, sakit kaki, sakit kepala tu memang selalu je ada. Tapi bagi aku itu semua adat lah kan. Kat mana-mana tempat kerja pun nanti ada masalah, ada work stress, yang kita kene pandai-pandai nak manage. Kalau asyik tak tahan je, tak kan nak tukar kerja selalu-selalu kan. Pepai lah badan jawabnya.

Kat outlet selalu je kene marah, kene maki, kene kutuk. Cara aku senang je, orang maki aku, aku maki orang lain pulak. Orang marah aku, aku marah orang lain pulak. Hahaha. Hukum karma, ceyh, padahal gila insecure terhadap diri sendiri. T____T

Masa kerja, memang selalu balik macam-macam nak komplen dekat umi. Ini tak kene, itu tak kene, tapi bila nak berhenti tadi, rasa macam tak nak je. Belum keluar pintu lagi dah rasa rindu.

Baut kerja hari ni penuh bersemangat. Sampai penat pun tak nak berhenti lagi. Tiba-tiba je rasa seronok buat air, attend customer, maki customer belakang-belakang. Selama ni bosan, amik order jaga cashier je, bab-bab buat air bagi kat budak-budak trainee.

Ok, sekarang aku ada satu lagi pengalaman tambahan yagn gila awesome bagi aku, untuk aku ceritakan kepada anak cucu aku nanti, Haha.

Buat semua team members Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf Johor Bahru district ( City Square, Plaza Pelangi & Senai airport ) yang aku kenal, Belon, Wani, Kak Linda, Fara, Taufek, Wan Tuki, Singa, Bijan, Nazim, Maziah, Sikin, Amal, Beby, Esh, Jai, Aish, Azie, Bahar, Amy, Zaid, Abg Din, brother-brother delivery yang aku tak tau nama, Sue, dan siapa-siapa lagi yang aku tak tulis tapi aku kenal, aku seronok gila kawan dengan korang semua. You guys, I will always love.

War of me

2011-01-14T08:36:00.000-08:00

The road that has taken me this far, though it seems light and easy, full of wonderful things filling in, it's not without hardship and pain.

My dreams, almost all of it, are starting to be true. Not just dreams and desires anymore, they are turning into reality. But not without a price. Sigh.

And sacrifices. Sigh sigh.

I always think that all these are too good to be true. Well, it's true as a matter of facts, but behind the truth it brought me more sadness and griefs.

The dreams comes and alongside it nightmare started to haunt me too.

I wanted a better life, I lost people I love.

I wanted to study abroad, I have to face a future that is so uncertain.

I wanted a new me, I'm losing half of myself.

And the list goes on and on.

You cannot get something without losing another thing. It's all about giving and taking, to ensure balance in life is maintain. Like when you breathe, the air loses oxygen and your heart gain some. And then you breathe out carbon dioxide, the green leaves turn it into oxygen again, and it happens again and again. That's the simplest example I can give you.

Or maybe something else. Let say, if you want money, richness, success, and gain fame in your life, you might lose some of your friends, your principles, your security, your privacy or anything that's worthy to you ,in order for you to get something else in your life. Something like that.

Well, life is a gamble is it not?

That will make me the most lousy gambler of all time. Because I just can't afford to put something worthy in my life at stake.

Well my point is, to be me now, the me that is inhibiting this body right now, right here, at this moment, I have to prioritize my ambitions, and let go of a few things that I love, that I cannot carry on as my 'excess baggage'.

After all a war cannot be won without losing a few lives.

sometimes

2011-01-11T03:40:00.000-08:00

you never want to hurt anybody's feelings

but sometimes

you just have to

LOOK!

2011-01-05T07:06:00.000-08:00

This is the best thing that ever happen in my whole life. Having them as my family.

I'm getting cold feet

2011-01-05T03:26:00.000-08:00

I just recently realized, that I'll be going to some freaking foreign land I've never set my foot on, on my own, surrounded by strangers, with no family members to hang on too and with many many more miseries in my head.

And it only occurred to me now. All my excitements are gone. What left are fear, sadness, insecurity and worry. Like a month before I enroll, a few weeks before I get my ticket, a few days before I send off my complete documents, signing the contract and everything. Only now that I feel like backing off. The problem is I can't.

My head is spinning with thousands of what if, what if, what if?

And being me, things could turn out pretty badly, if everything doesn't turn out according to plans. I'll go gaga.

I want to breathe
I want to grow
I say I want it
But I don't know how
I look
I bleed
I beg and
I pray
Thom Yorke

Just ranting

2011-01-02T07:35:00.000-08:00

I'm currently on my bed, absorbed into my Harry Potter book, reading for satisfaction. I needed some break, and something to munch. Luckily I have the chocolate fudge cake leftovers, great thing to indulge in. Nyom nyom.

A month left before I'm off to koalaland. A few days left to get all the documents done and what a pain it has been.

I've bought my luggage. A bright red Polo suitcase. I wanted the orange one, since there's no pink, but the red one seems a lot more spacious. Plus I refused one that is too big, because it would be ridiculous for me to travel with it next time. So i just bought a middle size suitcase, enough for most important and essential stuffs only. No junkies, and sadly, no Temot.

But I'll try to fit my baby in.

A checklist had been made, half completed, need to wait for my next salary to complete everything. Some on the checklist have been canceled out, to give way for my teeth. Bad teeth. And medical bills are ridiculously expensive these days. Sigh.

I'm kind of proud with myself, because much of the expenses are by me, father and mother do contribute, and my brother too. But I have not been asking money from them like I used too. Because I earn my own money now, and that's kind of a good feeling for me.

My clothes, my medical bills, my daily expenses, getting my documents ready, taking and sending the documents to KL, all of it was taken care by myself. And I'm proud. Clap clap.

But I do thank them a lot, they've been helping me a lot to settle everything. And preparing to study abroad consumes quite a lot of money, especially for commoners like us, where money don't come easy.

Now, tomorrow will be a busy day. A lot of last minute things to settle and to conclude my documents. Signed, sealed, delivered, and to my sponsor, I'm yours.

Okay I'm off to bury my nose into my all time favorite book, leaving my screen. Peace love.

Borang-borang dan boring-boring

2010-12-22T09:03:00.000-08:00

Haritu pergi Pejabat Mara, dapat seguni borang untuk diisi dan disahkan dan begitu begini. Adoyai banyak gila okay, dah dua malam berturut-turut menghadap benda ni, pening dan bosan.

Satu, takut salah sebab ada borang perjanjian tu semua, macam nak buat tender la, tak boleh salah-salah, kalau salah kene garis sikit, letak initial macam tu lah. Haih, leceh-leceh. Baik pergi Coffee Bean buat air. Sangat mudah dan tak pening kepala. Paling penting tak bosan sebab bila dah siap buat air, boleh pergi main kejar-kejar.

Dua, macam mana pun saya buat untuk jadi seorang yang organized terutamanya dalam melakukan perkara-perkara sebegini, baik dari mengisi borang, membuat nota, mengemas bilik, bla bla bla, saya memang sedia ada dilahirkan sebagai seorang yang tak berapa nak organized! Jadi sepanjang dua malam saya berjaga ni, meja ketapang mak saya penuh dengan kertas borang-borang ni, pen, pensel, pembaris pun ada, sijil-sijil, laptop, headphone, handphone, coklat cadbury, air rootbeer, eh banyak pulak benda nya. Checklist ada, tapi masih rasa bersepah lagi!

Mari-mari tolong saya siapkan benda leceh ni.

starting over

2010-12-13T07:12:00.000-08:00

I don't think I have any other life besides what I used to have with him. Now, the hardest part of breaking up is not breaking up, but building up another life. Life that have been unfamiliar to me for a while.

When I got caught up in our little bubble of togetherness, I've forgotten being my own self. I've forgotten what I used to do, what I used to be, what I used to like so much.

Tolerance is much needed in a relationship, but keeping your own differences and avoiding becoming a single-individual-inhibiting-two-bodies is more important . Because when both of you start becoming one, but then your relationship suddenly come to an abrupt end, you will realize that you should have kept your old self alive.

Togetherness is two souls in two separate bodies, feeding each other with needs, emotionally, physically, mentally, socially and other life goals. Because they are not one, they never grew apart. Their differences are what keeping them alive and together, whole-heartedly. And when they are old and saggy,their being together is not because they just have to stay together or because they are stuck up for the rest of their life, but because they are meant to be together.

Even if they are fated to separate, the differences they kept, will make sure they move on. And each person has his/her own life to continue and his/her own hands and feet to carry on.

Afterall, it is a lot easier to carry on than to start over!

hahahahhahahhaa

2010-12-13T04:22:00.000-08:00

Name : Neyna
Full name : A.M.A
Sibiling(s) : 4 ( third child )
Eye colour : Not too black
Shoe size : 7 1/2
Hair : Long straight
Height : 164cm
What are you wearing right now : Bermuda shorts and tshirt
Where do you live : here
Favourite number : 18
Favourite drink : coke, hong kong milk tea, hazelnut latte, hot choc
Favourite month : may! because of my birthday. but currently feb , sebab tak sabar nak fly!!!
Favourite breakfast : roti telur, nasi lemak

HAVE YOU EVER
Broken a bone : ye, sampai hancur penyek
Been in a police car : uish, saya baik :)
Fallen for a friend : yup, but one sided je. ngee
Fallen for a guy/girl in a short period of time : like minor crush? haha customer yg hot-hot selalunya
Swam in the ocean : dari kecik lagi
Fallen asleep in school : normal la tu. kat tempat kerja pun tidur
Broken someone’s heart : yes, and vice versa not to forget
Cried when someone died : Yes
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call : stay by the phone yup. sambil tidur la tapi
Saved e-mails : only school and work stuffs
Been cheated on : backstabbed by a close friend (ex-friend)

WHAT
Your room look like : new sheets, sebab malam tadi ada cicak mati atas katil.

What is right beside you : kipas yang bunyik gedek gedek

What is the last thing you ate : nasi dgn asam pedas, tempe goreng, sambal belacan, tauhu sumbat

EVER HAD
Chicken pox : macam tak pernah je
Sore throat : masa jerebu teruk hari tu
Stitches : eight on my broken finger
Broken nose : hahahahahahahahahaha! it's not broken, tapi orang selalu tanya, kau pernah patah hidung ke? because i have this big hump in my nose

DO YOU
Believe in love at first sight : yeah I do
Like picnics? : by the waterfall

WHO
Who did you last yell at : my colleague because kitorang memang suka jerit-jerit kat tempat kerja
Who was the last person you danced with : my colleagues jugak sebab kitorang memang suka joget-joget kat tempat kerja
Who last made you smile : semua yang di rumah
What are you listening right now? : bunyi kipas gedek gedek
What did you do today : kerja, makan, main-main, belajar silat, tido, tengok tv, makan
Are you the oldest : nope

indoors or outdoors : i'm an outdoor person yeah

TODAY DID YOU

Talk to someone you like? : no, don't have any major crush sekarang. kecuali abang Maybank yang dah kahwin tu. haih, kecewa betul. tapi dia tak datang pun hari ni
Kiss anyone? : kiss my daddy and mummy's hand this morning
Sing? : setiap masa
Talk to an ex? : nah
Miss someone ? : miss my friends so much
Eat? : tentu la aku bukan anorexic

LAST PERSON WHO
You talked to on the phone? : azwan punggeng
Made you cry? : T_T hurm. tak payah cakap pun tau kot
Went to the movies with? : my parents and my sister. gila lawak cerita ngangkung!
You went to the mall with? : i work in a mall, duhh
Who cheered you up? : everyone. everyone is so nice

HAVE YOU
Been to Mexico? : nah
Been to USA? : naaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

RANDOM
Have a crush on someone? : many many
What books are you reading right now? : World Architecture - Janice Anderson
Best feeling in the world? : being in love
Future kids name? : must start with an a!
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? : hell yeah! temot
What’s under your bed? : dust
Favourite sport(s) : hockey!
Favourite place : home
Who do you really hate? : one of my colleague!
Do you have a job? : i'm a part-time barista
What time is it now? : tv time hahahahaha

p/s : With however long it took you to complete this, post as “My Minutes Survey” and tag 15 people

Time is running out

2010-12-10T08:19:00.000-08:00

Ceyh, tajuk cam nak yes yes coconut je kan?

Tapi tu la, bila tinggal cupul2 je masa kat Malaysia ni, hati aku sikit-sikit nak sendu, sikit-sikit nak syahdu. Sekecil-kecil benda pun nak jadi kecoh tak bertempat. Haha. Memang, dramatik sikit, sebab kat rumah ni siapa lagi nak buat drama kalau bukan aku.

Macam bila aku lipat-lipat kain dengan mak aku, aku cium-cium bau baju-baju tu, tiba-tiba je mata nak layan berair. Aku memang jenis yang senang tangkap bau kan, so aku sangat sensitif dengan bau-bau yang familiar pada hidung aku. Even bau yang aku dah lima enam tahun tak bau pun aku boleh ingat perasaan dia. Jadi aku macam terfikir, nanti macam mana dah takde bau baju-baju yang mak aku tolong basuhkan kat sana. Cium-cium bau basuh sendiri, tak sama, feeling dia lain.

Tak, bukan anak manja, tujuh tahun duduk asrama, basuh baju sendiri jugak. Masa tingkatan empat dengan tingkatan lima mak bapak aku tinggal dekat Johor aku belajar dekat Kelantan. Tapi masa tu boleh balik, boleh raya sama-sama, cuti sekolah memang warden hambat semua suruh balik, sebab warden pun nak balik sama.

Dah lepas ni, cuti-cuti kena menangok kat rumah sendiri. Raya pun dah tak dapat makan lontong mak aku. Mana aku nak cari sambal tumis mak aku. Tak kan nak suruh pos kot. Nak balik kena tengok status kewangan, tapi aku tengok kawan-kawan aku semua bila cuti panjang layan balik Malaysia, kenapa tak pergi merayau satu dunia, balik-balik nak ke Malaysia. Kenapa ea? Rindu sangat ke, tu yang aku dok bayangkan sejak dua menjak ni.

Pastu tadi masa aku balik kerja, mak aku dah letak Temot dekat tempat laundry, (Temot ni teddy bear aku buat tidur macam bantal peluk la, tapi selalunya dia jatuh bawah). Dia kata dia nak cuba basuh menatang tu dah bau hangit dah bergelumang dengan air liur basi aku. Aku kata jangan la mi, nanti dia kempis dah tak Temot la, tembam dan comot. Tapi last-last aku kata, tak apa la biar dia kempis, kecik sikit nanti senang nak masuk luggage akak.

Ah, tu dia, jap lagi dia dah start, ah tak payah la nak mengada-ngada bawa Temot ni, memberatkan luggage la, nanti nak kena timbang bagai, buat apa bawa benda dah buruk, pung pang pung pang.

Aku jawabkan balik, laaaa, ni kan mi yang belikan, nanti takde macam mana akak nak tidur? Hari tu dalam wad pun masa mi belum bawa dia datang, akak macam terkapai-kapai. Ececeh, dramatik kan aku? Tapi mak aku macam blur-blur, macam oh ye ke umi ke yang belikan? Dia siap tanya, siapa beli? Aku macam, okaaaaayyyy, dia tak tau pun kenapa aku sayang bebenor dengan menatang tu.

Pastu aku macam dah syahdu sikit, apakah ingatan aku terhadap rumah yang boleh aku bawa kesana. Dalam otak aku, boleh tak cilok baju tidur mak aku malam sebelum pergi airport tu cepat-cepat simpan dalam luggage? Macam jiwang la pulak kan, tak biasa la nak jiwang-jiwang dengan mak aku ni. Sebab dulu-dulu masa aku kat asrama tiap kali aku cakap aku rindu kat dia, dia kata mi tak rindu pun kat akak. Ha, amik non.

Tapi tak pe, cedok nasi dulu masuk pinggan. Tadi mak aku masak kuah air kobis, ayam masak kicap, telur dadar, sambal belacan sama ulam raja. Ha, memang mak aku teman kan aku makan, dia dah makan dulu, lapar katanya. Aku memang tak syok sikit kalau makan sorang-sorang ni. Tapi bila ada teman siap bertambah ha. Tulang-tulang semua aku sedut, bila baling kat kucing pun, kucing tu macam buat muka paisey je, pigidah.

Time tu sendu lagi, aku dah la belajar masak tak khatam. Nak salin buku resipi mak aku tak salin-salin lagi. Kejap lagi nak makan itu nak makan ini terkulat-kulat. Tapi kira ok la, tak menitik pun air mata aku, nyaris-nyaris je. Mungkin empangan air mata dah cetek kot, cukup-cukup je nak jana kuasa hidroeletrik, kalau pecah kang empangan takde elektrik pulak negara jajahan, ye tak.

Kebanyakan ke-excited-an aku nak terbang ni terganggu dengan perasaaan-perasaan ini la. Takut tapi tak sabar, nak mula hidup baru. Nak pergi tempat orang tapi sayang nak tinggal tempat sendiri. Orang putih kata mixed feelings lah kan. Haih, pening kepala aku, sebab itu emosi sering terganggu sekarang ni.

Okay aku dah mengarut-ngarut biasa nya aku tulis skema-skema hari ni semua tunggang-langgang sebab memang aku pun tengah serabut-mabut sekarang ni.

Oh, btw serabut memang tengah in sekarang. Semua orang pun nak serabut.

question marks

2010-12-07T07:32:00.000-08:00

maybe it's time to change
and leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
so why does it feels so wrong
to reach for something more
to wanna live a better life
what am I waiting for
cause nothing stays the same
maybe it't time to change

Sick Puppies - Maybe

Officially a nerd

2010-12-05T04:31:00.000-08:00

Yes I am. I'm a nerd.

I bought some more books. First I bought three novels, from a second-hand bookstore. The first book was Gump & Co. A sequel from the Forrest Gump. I'm half way through it, but I accidentally left it in the bus while travelling from Kuala Lumpur back to Johor Bahru. I was kinda heartbroken, but what can I do. The grammar and spelling in that book was so terrible, but if you had watch the movie, you could actually imagine Forrest saying everything and just let your imagination run wild together with Forrest. Literally.

Sigh, but I didn't get to finish that book. Must be hard looking for it again, because it's a very very very old book. The paper are all yellowed.

Gump & Co by Winston Groom.

**Kalau siapa-siapa pergi jualan buku murah dekat KL Sentral tu, sila dapatkan saya lagi satu copy Gump & Co ya. RM10 sahaja, nanti saya bayar semula, ok? *Wink*

I haven't start on the other two books, but one is on homicide, the other I bought because the illustration is so great! Hahahaha.

The Mercy Rule by John Lescroart. The one about homicide according to the synopsis.

The Optimist by Andrew Miller. The one with great illustration. Now isn't that pretty?

Now that was the other day, when I was in KL. Today my family and I, went to a BooK Fair in Danga City Mall, I bought another big big hard cover book. What is it about? Well, World Architecture! Now that's a true nerd!

I remembered back in college, when we are all studying in the library, I tend to get bored so easily, because everyone were studying stiffly and I'm not the kind who can sit at one place for a long time. I needed to move around, furthermore, the library is so cold. I have to move around, to provide heat for my body, haha!

Ok, back to the college library story. When i got so bored, I will go the encyclopedia, atlas, and all the big books section. I will just go through the books, looking at pictures and jsut reading the captions, never entirely reading the whole story. I get really excited and I will be so mesmerized and caught up in my own world. Sometimes, I forgot to do my school work!

So today I get to have my own discovery book, I can go around the world when I get bored at home, well that will be so much fun for a nerd like me!

World Achitecture by Janice Anderson.

Rapunzel, Rapunzel. let down your hair

2010-12-04T06:16:00.000-08:00

Bring your kids, your little sisters, your cousins, your neigbours, well, bring everyone to go watch Rapunzel : A Tangled Tale! This is one hell of a great movie.

The graphic was great, well we willingly spend RM20 to watch the 3D version. It was a big decision, seeing we could actually watch two movies with RM20, but we did not regret our decision! This movie partner is a die hard cartoon fan, I'm just an average, but we make a great movie team. I remembered watching Papadom together, we literally laugh our ass out. The whole room echoed with our laughter.

Now back to Rapunzel, with that big-terminator-3D-glass, we took the seats with the perfect view. Popcorns and coke in our hands, ready to have some fun.

Started with the tale of the flower that grows from the sun spark that fell to the earth, that can cure any sickness any illness and even make one stay young forever. Well, for the magic flower to work, you just need to sing one particular song ;

Flowers gleam and glow
Let your power show
Make the clock reverse
Bring back what once was mine
Heal what has been hurt
Change the fates design
Save what has been lost
Bring back what once was mine

Well this one was no ordinary Rapunzel tale, where Prince Charming came to the tower and save the lost princess. My mother used to read me this story when I was small. This time around, a theft came to the tower, accidentally, running from the guards that were chasing him.

So Rapunzel who was dying to go out of the tower, took the theft, Flynn Rider as a hostage and asked him to take her to the lantern ceremony. Along the way, she had this terrible emotional disturbance, she really look nuts. She was really glad that she finally set her foot on earth and at the same time feel guilty of turning against her wicked-witch mother.

And then the journey begin, I think my lung was about to burst from laughing, everything was so hilarious. Especially Rapunzel's pet, Pascal and the guard's horse Maximus. They really light up the story. There's element of surprise, there's suspense, stupid jokes, and the songs are so heart warming. There's just everything in that movie.

Pascal

Maximus

So the story goes on ( watch it ok, I don't want to elaborate too much ), but in the end, Rapunzel beautiful blonde hair was gone, and she turn into a brunette. Well that was the very particular scene that makes me so sad. Haha.

Really, you gotta go and watch this movie. It's waayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy better than watching Skyline. Gahh.

Skyline Review

2010-11-28T10:33:00.000-08:00

I totally hate alien type movies. All the slimy, wet, saliva drooling creature type of movies, is totally out of my taste. Hate it!

But what can I do when I have a majority of male colleagues at work. I couldn't exactly decide for what movie to watch today, and even if I have the power to chose, erm, well, the guys wouldn't actually want to watch Rapunzel right?

Sigh.

So we watch Skyline today.

Another sigh.

The reason why I hate sci-fi are because the aliens would always want to invade the Earth, either consuming blood, eating brains, bla bla bla. And they are always green ( or black ) and slimy and full of mucus and bla bla bla. It's just plain disgusting. Why is it that they always want to take over the Earth? They should have their own planet right? Where they come from. And have anyone ever watch the series V (visitors). It doesn't make sense to me. Just watching the ad makes me want to vomit already. Though I never did watch it, I can predict that the story line is plain simple, 'we must rule the Earth!'. That's it.

Well let's review Skyline. Lifestyle of the rich and famous, checked. Hot chicks, checked. Big cars, checked. Slimy creature, checked. Aliens invading, checked. Bad ending, checked! Well, typical! The feeling that I get after watching this movie was the same feeling I get after watching War of The World some time ago. Dissapointing. How did they take down the so powerful aliens in War of The World? Well they did nothing! The aliens actually dies on their own because the human's blood fuel they are using are filthy. Full of bacteria. Haha. Let's roll on the floor and laugh our ass out.

The graphic was good though for Skyline. Ah, and the main actor, hurm, I've seen him acting naked in some other movie, so it kinda makes me look at him differently you know. Firstly he is so not hot, secondly I have seen his thingy, so it kinda disgusting seeing him again as the main character. Yucks.

Thank god I've never seen Channing Tatum naked, or else I'm sure I would have stop loving him already.

Overall I give Skyline two out of five stars. One star for the graphics and the second star is for, erm, well, the telescope. I envy that!

But thankfully the ticket we all got was free, so, I have nothing to regret. If not, I would want to ask for refund. Haha. As if.

tiba-tiba

2010-11-27T04:30:00.000-08:00

why does it hurts?

20 itu dewasa atau mengada?

2010-11-24T06:37:00.000-08:00

Umur sudah 20 puluh tahun. Sudah bekerja, tapi bangun pagi juga perlu dikejut bonda. Masih anak kecil, fizikal sahaja yang sudah kematangan.

Sudah tua wahai neyna, sudah tua. Bila mahu sedar?

Tapi perlukah aku membesar seiring dengan usia, bila sudah capai angka 20, perlukah aku ubah sikap dan tingkah laku aku? Perlukah aku mula 'wajar' dalam setiap perkara.

Membuat keputusan adalah suatu kelemahan paling besar aku. Aku lebih gemar menanti apa yang bakal terjadi. Membuat perancangan bukan suatu hobi, tapi apabila sudah dibuat, akan pastikan segala yang dirancang berjalan lancar. Kalau tidak, sangat sukar untuk menghadapi detik seterusnya.

Ya, seorang yang sangat sukar menerima kenyataan, seorang yang dreamy, gemar berfantasi, sangat payah untuk berpijak di bumi yang nyata.

Aku lebih suka dipimpin dari memimpin. Sering sahaja butuh seseorang menemani, waima untuk makan. Tak perlu makan sama, duduk disisi sahaja cukup.

Kalau dihitung, ditimbal, dan dihisab, boleh di sama dengan kan aku dengan seorang yang kurang bermotivasi.

Tetapi, terkadang bila adrenalin menyerbu, akan mula menjadi red-blooded woman, mau jadi nombor satu sentiasa, mau betul semuanya, mau tersusun ikut aturan segalanya.

Panjat gunung? Bisa. Redah lautan, sudah. Terbang di awan, bakalan. Berani itu ada. Tapi cuma sekala.

Sentiasa ingin menang, ah dari kecil. Gemar bergaduh, berlawan mulut. Kalau teman sudah biasa. Kalau lawan undur selangkah. Kalau yang namanya asing, bakal terbeliak biji mata mendengar kata-kata dari mulut yang tidak diinsurankan ini.

Masuk debat tak pernah juara tapinya.

Namun masih tau yang namanya orang tua itu patut dihormati, yang kecil disayangi. Yang keluarga itu harmoni. Terkecil hati biasa, tidak disimpan menjadi duri.

Nah, bagi teman yang membaca, sarankan pada aku, apa yang patut apa yang tidak. Bagi mereka yang mengenali, sebutkan dan betulkan kesalahan aku selama ini. Bagi yang terjumpa cuma melawat, jangan dinilai terlalu cepat.

WAS

2010-11-24T02:57:00.001-08:00

it WAS love.

Haih

2010-11-20T04:08:00.000-08:00

Kaki sakit, hati sakit, otak sakit, tangan sakit, semua sakit.

Nak berhenti kerja, tapi siapa nak bagi duit?

Penat tak terkira, tapi siapa nak bagi duit?

Bosan tahap gaban, tapi siapa nak bagi duit?

Persediaan nak sambung belajar, siapa nak bagi duit?

Haih

alpha helix

2010-11-17T07:21:00.000-08:00

once upon a time i was falling in love
but now i'm only falling apart

Jim Steinman

I guess some of you have already heard the news, right? Well you heard it from one side, have you heard mine? I don't want to tell, to tell you the truth. However, I felt like I needed to clear the air a little, or at least, try to put the pieces together.

I do not blame anyone, nor do I blame myself. I think I have the right to chose my own path of life. I think I have the right to make decision for myself. And even more terrifyingly true, I'm 20 and I have the right to walk using my own set of leg, and to talk using my own pair of lips. I do not want to be controlled like a humanoid, by anyone.

I ought to have my own emotion, correct? I could laugh, I could cry, I could be happy, I could be sad, I could feel anything, without asking permission from anyone, without having to care about the consequences of my every actions.

Now, there are so many reasons to this, it sometimes doesn't even makes any sense to me.

I usually fall in and out of love with him, but so suddenly, I was not able to fall back into our love circle.

I do feel lonely most of the times, like a zombie, roaming this world without any direction or purpose. I miss the late night conversations we usually had. The laughter and the stupid jokes we create together just to fill in the time or to kill it like they usually say it. Killing time. Haha.

In a way or another, I think we create a bubble between us two, and push away everyone and everything to serve our purpose. I was swayed, by this little life we had together, though not fully together. I don't mind long distance, fidelity is something that I am confident in. I know that deep in my heart I only have him and him only. It may be hard to believe, but I cannot put words to describe this because my heart is a secret place only few can penetrate.

Sometimes I wish that he can see through my heart, because I know I will stumble through my words.

And I do know that he loves me much. Until it becomes too much. That was the time I kinda think I need to rethink. What used to be nights of laughters and jokes, now turn into fights and tantrums. And even worse, there was no joy anymore in arguing. It was no more the light fight, casual, and back-to-normal-in-5-minutes fight. It turns into a hideous word fight, tears and shouts, and losing our patience. I think if we were side by side, one of us would already lost our head.

So I decided to put a stop to it. One of the many reasons is maybe because we've lost our trust to each other. How we lost it, well I'll keep you guys wondering about that. Ngee.

Let's just face this world and get rid of our anger. We both now that the pain and the anger are still there in between us. And we both also know that we have known each other for quite sometime and we've develop a feeling so strong that it's hard to have a day without you in my mind. It's hard addressing you as an ex. It's hard even talking about your name. It's even harder to face tomorrow without you.

But it's for the best. Call me selfish. And you can even put all the blame on me. I guess I just needed to breathe a clean fresh of air before I'm out of it. I guess I needed to start walking my own feet. Let's just grow up and have so much fun growing up and when that someday the time comes, I'll look forward meeting you again and shake your hand and have a clean start. If God ever permit it to happen. If we are meant to be together, the no amount hate can stir our love.

Because hate and love are two most intertwined words. They usually come together and one could not live without the other.

BOOK CRAZY

2010-10-31T07:11:00.000-07:00

I just bought three new books. Mind you i haven't bought any books for ages. It used to be a frequent habit, but since clothes and shoes came in as a more interesting subjects, reading has been revolving around newspaper, magazines and sadly, internet.

Well this month I haven't bought any dresses or blouses using my salary, i bought books instead. Yeay! A big round of applause for me.

The first book is 3096 days by Natascha Kampusch. This is actually an autobiography. She was a girl, kidnapped at the age of ten, and was held captive in a five meter square cellar. Can you actually imagine? For eight years, from ten to eighteen, that was supposed to be your teenage moment, you crucial growing up moment. She finally escaped about eight years later, and Wolfgang Priklopil, the kidnapper killed himself immediately, by throwing himself under a train. A sad man, a truly sad man. I haven't yet get to discover his motives, I'm only in chapter 2 now, and will soon find out what is actually wrong with this guy.

I got so wide eye in the bookstore. I felt like I'd like to buy every book, because every single book interest me so much. I'm not a picky person when it comes to reading. I can actually read anything, any storyline, any subject, any genre. Love, romance, investigation, mystery, ghost stories, homicide, magical, myth, you name it. Give me a book and I'll read it to the end.

However, I don't read about aliens and stupid-slimy-supposed-to-be-scary-creatures. No, they are just not my kind of thing. Sci-fi is totally out of my interest. I don't know why, but my system rejects it.

Okay, the next two books are written by Cecilia Ahern, A Place Called Here and Thanks For The Memories. At first, I didn't want to buy any chick flicks, same soup-opera-ish story line, predictable, you know those kind of happily ever after, light reading. Love, conflicts, dilemma, drama, love again. Not that I don't like it, I totally enjoy those type of books (especially by Cecilia Ahern and Marian Keyes), it's just that, I don't think I'm in the mood to indulge myself in this kind of stories.

These few days, my life had been revolving around dramas and more dramas. I tell you, what you sees in the movies, it's actually happening in my life. I never thought that things that were portrayed in those dramas were real, i always laugh and joke around on how melodramatic they are. But this time around, it's real and it's actually happening to me. 100% similar to what you saw in TV!

I'm afraid when I start losing myself in those kind of books, ( which I usually did when I started reading), I will actually become more and more sadistic, sappy and weepy, in which I totally think I couldn't handle anymore.

There has been totally too many tears and dramas around lately, I thought I need some non-fictional readings, fact, that actually talk about courage, bravery and life. 3096 days is an excellent choice. I've been able to channel my feelings, my hurtful feelings, into Kampusch's ordeal. I no longer think that what I have on my shoulder is so heavy when compared to hers.

But because I totally adore Cecilia Ahern, and I've been reading a lot of her writing lately, and I think she's heavenly great in writing, so I bought her books. At first I was confused, should I buy this, or The Black Mamba Boy by Nadifa Mohamed. Another factual story, about a black African boy's journey, Jama, in finding his lost father in foreign cities, during the world war two. How he survived starvation, war and poverty through a challenging journey. The book seems perfectly suitable for me to dive in and run away from my own idiotic problems for a little while.

But with so little time and so many books to choose, I finnaly decided to bring home Cecilia Ahern's novels as to complete my collection at home.

I was also looking for Nina Garcia's Look Book but I couldn't find it anywhere. And the staff also seems clueless and so lazy to search for it in their system, so I'll look for it elsewhere next time. The reason I'm looking for this book is because I always have "what to wear?" problem every time. So I just thought maybe this book will help me with my appearances and look, if not much maybe just a little. Well, just for some harmless guidance and light reading. Nina Garcia is totally a fun person and a fashion guru of course!

So there they are three books on my bed-side table (although most of the time they are on my bed), three totally colorful books for me to finish reading. Though working is very tiring these days, I know I will absolutely find time even for just a little while to read my books. I remembered finishing my Harry Potter book in just 2 days. I sleep for 3 hours, i stop only to pray and to shower. I even eat with my book. Thank God i didn't actually eat my book.

my way to get rid of work stress

2010-10-18T04:29:00.000-07:00

I don't have lots of money to go for spa indulgence, or retail therapy, or food galore. ( retail therapy only happen on payday only).

I don't own a car to go sight seeing.

I don't have that many friends to hang out after work.

My one and only best buddy ( my best buddy is also my boyfriend ), which I really love hanging out with is far away. We only hang out on phones and PCs.

My girlfriends all live far far away.

So at night, after work i try my best to chill myself, relax, forget about work, get some rest and have fun before I start work again tomorrow.

So basically, all I need are these :

1) A grande glass of air sirap.

2) Robin's Portuguese's Egg Tart ( somehow I've become addicted to egg tarts and have been looking for the best egg tart all over Malaysia. And this is the best so far.

3) A pack of chips. Well, this one cost me RM10!

4) My best friend, well errr...

5) Ahh, and my favourite show right now. I purposely choose this picture because Stefan look a lot hotter than Damon. Go team Stefan!

There, that's all I need to end my day before I went to sleep. Plus with the lights off, air cond on, comfy comforter, bouncy bed. And I know, I know, all are very fattening! But it's okay, because I'll burn a lot of calories tomorrow at work. What's with the rapid movement of hand, constant shouting, legs maneuvering like a terminator, pulling shots, cutting vegetables, bla bla bla. So yeah, I'll totally stay in shape!

So, tell me. How do you rest after a hard day at work?

Future

2010-10-06T07:53:00.000-07:00

I hope when the time comes, my mother and father and brothers and sisters and relatives, will all give their blessings to the person I will marry / want to marry. May Allah be with me and my family always. Amin.

brain dead

2010-09-14T04:42:00.001-07:00

Pada siapa lagi saya nak mengadu?
Nak tulis blog pun rasa tersekat sekat

night and tears

2010-09-04T10:23:00.000-07:00

damn,

it hurts my heart even more than before,

i tried to sleep my body sore,

it brought me tears like never before,

i can't stop my body shaking anymore,

damn,

i tried to suck the air outside,

but my lungs are just not functioning inside,

i'm shaking hard trying to hide my sobs,

i can do nothing but curse u in pain,

yes i'm in pain in so much pain!

i know this thing doesnt rhyme, but rhyme or not, words just can't put how i'm feeling right now into description.

just hoping i can sleep tonight.

gaji

2010-08-25T03:41:00.000-07:00

okay kawan-kawan, memang saya jakun. Ya, ini pertama kali saya mendapat gaji! Tidak seberapa pun, sebab dah banyak hilang masa masuk wad hari tu. Tapi apa pun, saya bersyukur Alhamdulillah untuk rezeki yang diberi.

Hari ni masuk kerja tak sabar-sabar nak pergi bank, nak tengok lah berapa banyak yang masuk gamaknya, sebab gaji saya tertunda bulan lepas. Tapi bulan lepas pun saya kerja 10 hari je, baru masuk. Alhamdulillah, jumlah nya enak. Hehehe.

Tadi memang tak ramai customer, jadi saya ajak manager saya, Wani untuk pergi jalan-jalan. Pergi MNG ada satu baju memang saya gila berkenan. Tapi sekali harga dia RM329 lah. Memang harapan lah nak beli. Macam-macam saya boleh beli dengan duit tu selain dari sehelai dress sahaja.

Maka kesudahannya, saya cuma beli dress RM29.90 yang saya belum berapa pasti saya akan pakai ke tidak. Hehe. Dan beberapa helai t-shirt Padini, Bum, etc.

Pulang saya menghulur beberapa helai not Rm50 kepada ayah. Mulanya dia tak mahu ambil, siap berlakon gigil-gigil lagi. Saya paksa, berkat tu gaji pertama beri pada ibu bapa. Nak beri banyak-banyak saya tak mapu, sebab beberapa ratus saya dah simpan dalam akaun bank lain, sebab saya tau saya akan banyak menggunakan wang tak berapa lama lagi.

Apa yang saya mampu saja saya bagi. Umi kata, berkat duit yang saya beri pada dia dan abi, nanti di masa akan datang Allah akan beri pulangan berlipat-lipat kali ganda. InsyaAllah, setiap bulan saya tak akan lupa beri, walau pun sedikit.

Oh, tadi sempat juga beli perfume, gian sangat nak beli perfume. Mula-mula survey DKNY, tapi macam dah banyak kali pakai, pinjam orang punya la, tengok Mariah Carey pun macam tak best je. Saya ingatkan Bvlgari Aqva ada untuk perempuan, rupanya untuk lelaki sahaja. Macam-macam saya try, tapi yang paling menusuk kalbu adalah perfume kedua yang saya cuba selepas DKNY, iaitu Gucci Flora.

Cuba macam-macam pun lepas tu, saya masih terbau-bau Gucci Flora. Sampai abang tu kata, ni dah kene bomoh ni, Gucci Flora ada minyak pengasih. Haha. Itu lah jadi pujaan hati. Lain kali nak cuba Britney Spears Circus Fantasy pula!

Kerja. Saya wanita bekerjaya.

2010-08-18T04:45:00.001-07:00

Dengan bangganya saya nak umum, saya serang Barista separuh masa di Coffee Bean. Yeehuuu!

Anda nampak orang di atas sedang melakukan apa? Bagi yang biasa ke coffee house, pasti tau kan?

Orang itu sebenarnya sedang 'steam' susu. Kalau di tempat saya kami panggil steaming. Ada juga yang menggunakan perkataan-perkataan lain seperti foaming atau froathing. Tapi bendanya sama sahaja. Perbuataan tersebut adalah untuk menghasilkan foam, dengan menggunakan steam wand. Dari steam wand keluarlah water vapour yang berkadar laju. Macam dalam gambar ni.

Ha, apabila steam wand itu dimasukkan ke dalam susu segar (fresh milk atau untuk mereka yang berdiet skimmed milk) maka susu tersebut bagaikan diuli-uli, ianya akan naik dan keluarlah foam yang cantik. Semua orang berlumba-lumba nak hasilkan foam yang smooth dan cantik.

Kemudian susu itu akan direhatkan sebentar, supaya foam naik keatas dan susu yang telah panas turun ke bawah.

Sementara itu, espresso shots akan dibuat di espresso machine. Outlet saya menggunakan mesin espresso La Cimbali (model M29 atau M39 saya kurang pasti). Kemudian bolehlah mula membuat latte atau cappuchino atau macchiato dan sebagainya.

Kenapa susu di steam?

Percayalah, susu yang telah di 'uli' ni rasa nya lebih manis dan tebal. Berbanding susu yang terus diminum dari kotak, rasanya hambar. Bagi mereka yang tidak gemarkan susu, sila lah sekali-sekala bila ada masa, datang ke Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf dan pesan hot fresh milk. Rasailah kenikmatannya. Nescaya mereka yang tidak menggemari susu akan mula menggemarinya.

Okay, cerita pasal kopi pula. Oh, hello. Selama ini saya juga tidak tahu, tapi saya belajar. Ini coffee house, so learn to speak 'coffee language' just as much as you learn to speak 'Prada'.

Yang kopi o itu namanya coffee. Yang kopi susu tu namanya latte.

Alkisahnya adalah seorang makcik datang dan meng-order serbanika alam. Nak eggs ben la, brek o day la, ice blend itu ini, dan order terakhir untuk dirinya sendiri dengan terang, jelas dan nyata tanpa dengung, malah dengan begitu yakin dia meng-order "and another one is iced coffee small". Jadi saya yang bekerja cashier untuk hari itu, terus lah key in apa yang dia order, sebab saya sangkakan dia tau dan faham apa yang dia order. Sebab muka dia GILA confident. I assume she speaks coffee.

Tapi bila order dia dah siap, muka dia memang tak puas hati. Dengan muncung panjang berjela mencebik ke arah saya.

Dia : Ni macam mana mau minum?

Saya : Err, insert the sugar syrup mam, it's on the counter. (saya speaking la sebab tadi masa order dia speaking)

Dia : Mau letak susu ka. Bukan patutnya sudah taruh ka?

Saya : Puan order iced coffee kan? Iced coffee adalah black coffee puan.

Muncung dia makin panjang, lalu dia ke kaunter tempat mengambil gula, susu, iced water, straw, stirrer, magazines, dsb.

Mula-mula dia masukkan gula yang dalam paket tu, saya dengan muka paling comel ajar dia gunakan sugar syrup (air gula). Sebab bila air tu dah ada ais, gula serbuk tu takkan larut. Kemudian dia boleh pulak tuang susu dalam tu, memang tak pernah dibuat orang.

And then, i told her, "mam, if you want coffee with milk, you should order latte". Tapi muka dia gila tak puas hati. Padahal saya cakap dengan nada yang paling comel saya boleh buat. Kalau dia mengakui kesalahan dia, sekurang-kurangnya saya boleh tukar order dia, without any charge, sebab customer is always right kan? Tapi dia terus belah dan terus mencebik-cebik mukanya di meja bersama teman-temannya.

Bos selalu pesan, if customer complain about the order, just change it, tanpa perlu banyak cerita, because not everyone speaks coffee. What's important is that they are satisfied and will want to come again. And what's more important is that you take the order correctly.

That aunty could have asked me first, or at least slow down if she is confused. Kalau saya nampak muka customer tu blur-blur je, saya selalu tanya, "do you want black coffee or coffee with milk?". Kalau dia nak black coffee saya akan cadangkan today's brew atau pun americano. Kalau dia nak coffee with milk saya cadangkan latte, cappuchino atau macchiato.

Sebab saya tau tak semua orang tau bahasa kopi.

Pernah ada orang datang dan terus order espresso. Bila dah disiapkan, komplen, "eh, kecil nya? kenapa kecil sangat?". Aiyoo,,, saya nak jawab apa tu? Memang la espresso tu kecil cawannya, dan sikit sahaja. Sebab espresso tu pure extraction of finely grind coffee pulled from the porta-filter.

Ha, tu dia, espresso, cuma lebih kurang 30ml. Memang sikit, tapi pekat sangat. Tak semua orang mampu menikmatinya.

Masa mula-mula masuk kerja, staff lain, dan bos juga buli saya minum espresso ni, one shot (sekali teguk). Memang pahit tak menahan, saya kumur mulut lama-lama pun tak hilang rasanya. Tapi untuk penggemar kopi, mereka memang suka espresso. Panas-panas. Baik punya.

Macam-macam lagi pengalaman saya bekerja, maklumlah, saya memang tak pernah bekerja sebelum ni. Lepas SPM pun tidak. PLKN 3 bulan, duduk dirumah sebulan dua, kemudian sambung belajar.

Dalam masa terluang ni, saya nak kumpul pengalaman banyak-banyak, untuk belajar kenal manusia, belajar berdikari, belajar buat air dan belajar apa saja yang saya boleh belajar.

Learning doesn't only happen in classrooms.

Ya Allah, aku tidak sekuat mana

2010-08-13T05:19:00.000-07:00

Ya Allah, aku tau, aku sedar dugaan yang Kau timpakan pada hambaMu semuanya telah kau timbang dan ukur, semuanya MAMPU untuk ditanggung oleh hamba-hambaMu. Tapi saat ini Ya Allah, aku rasa terhenyak, terjelupuk dan terpempam.

Selama aku hidup, selama aku Kau beri izin untuk menghirup udaraMu Ya Allah, Kau limpahkan aku dgn berbagai-bagai nikmat. Alhamdulillah aku bersyukur atas pemberianMu. Kau makbulkan hajat-hajatku, kadang kala, lebih dari apa yang aku pinta.

Tapi kali ini bila aku tergelincir dari kebiasaan, aku bingung Ya Allah, runsing, dan buntu. Apa yang harus aku lakukan? Apa yang harus aku rasakan dalam hati ini? Apa yang harus aku fikirkan dalam minda ini? Bisakah aku hanya berdiam dan menanti tanpa berbuat apa? Pastikah itu?

Ya Allah, kau permudahkanlah jalan di hadapanku. Lapangkanlah dada mereka yang seharusnya. Dengan berkat RamadhanMu Ya Allah, ampunilah dosa-dosa ku, dosa kedua ibu bapa ku, dosa adik-beradik ku, dosa kaum keluarga ku, dosa guru-guru ku, dosa sahabat-sahabat ku, muslimin dan muslimat, mukminin dan mukminat.

Jangan lah Kau hijabkan sesuatu itu dari aku Ya Allah. Aku bermohon kepada Mu.

Kalau saya dapat 1 juta Ringgit

2010-08-10T06:22:00.000-07:00

Kalau lah, kalau.

Pertama sekali saya nak kahwin. Haha. Sila lah gelak. Tapi ini perkara serius. Saya nak kahwin dulu. Dan sekiranya saya mendapat duit yang banyak, saya boleh kahwin dan masih sambung belajar, tak perlu risau nak beli beras, nak bayar bil ke apa, sebab saya ada 1 juta. Hehe.

Malah, saya juga mampu untuk membeli sebuah rumah, dan sebuah kereta Honda Civic. Saya tidak lah high taste sangat. Tapi Civic memang kegilaan sejak dulu. Dan saya juga boleh menghadiahkan sebuah Proton Gen2 untuk adik kecil saya. Pasti saya menjadi kakak yang paling cool sekali dia atas muka bumi ini.

Kemudian, saya boleh decorate rumah saya cantik-cantik. Modern style. Atau pun, saya pernah terfikir untuk menghias rumah saya ala-ala dalam kapal, seperti dalam sebuah yacht yang mewah, wooden panel with white sofas, ouh. Apabila masuk, anda akan terasa seperti berada di tengah-tengah laut. Tapi tak berombak lah. Haha.

Soal pelaburan, ya sudah tentu. Tapi saya kurang berilmu bab ini. Jadi tidak dapat untuk saya menghuraikan panjang-panjang. Yang pasti duit itu akan dilaburkan, disahamkan, di-real estate kan, di-business kan atau apa-apa lah yang patut, supaya dia tidak terus habis. Masih berbuah.

Melancong, sudah pasti. Tetapi hanya selepas saya men-topup duit simpanan ibu bapa saya untuk mengerjakan haji. Kemudian, saya akan melancong bersama sudah tentu nya buah hati yang telah dikahwini. Destinasi? Pulau-pulau cantik yang banyak pokok kelapa, yang mempunyai pantai batu karang yang hebat, bermain bersama nemo dan ikan-ikan laut lain, air yang membiru menghijau; Barbados, Fiji, Maldives, Great Barrier Reef, Belize, Seychelles, etc.

Oh, memang hitam lah lepas tu.

Dan seterusnya ke Paris, London, New York dan Tokyo, untuk apa lagi, shopping lah! Okay, yang ini tidak perlu dihuraikan, semua orang akan faham. Kan?

Oh ya, sebelum kahwin, saya akan meng-repair gigi. Supaya gigi saya kemas dan tersusun, dan cantik dalam gambar perkahwinan. Yeay.

Kawan-kawan, ini cuma impian dan angan-angan minda saya. Tak semestinya menjadi realiti, but it's not a sin fascinate and to dream. Afterall I'm just a girl, just a normal human.

I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Bila tengok kawan-kawan yang hidupnya berada, pastilah saya cemburu. Saya pun ada keinginan, nak itu nak ini.

Tetapi, kalau anda duduk dan renung, harta yang melimpah ruah tak kan dapat membahagiakan kita. Makin banyak duit, makin banyak fikir. Nak di urus, nak di selamatkan, nak digunakan, macam-macam.

Sekurang-kurang nya, aku yang hidup sederhana ini, senang hati. Bersama orang-orang yang tersayang, keluarga yang sentiasa di sisi. Duit bukan perbualan utama, tapi kebahagian bersama itu yang kita semai sesama kita.

Soal duit boleh jadi gaduh, serius.

Aku ambil iktibar atas apa yang aku pernah lalui. Duit itu, kalau dikumpul banyak-banyak, tak di gunakan, membazir. Duit tak bawak mati. Ada duit sikit-sikit kita guna, ada lebih kita bantu orang-orang yang memerlukan, anak-anak, adik beradik, bagi mak ayah. Ada lebih lagi kita penuhi keinginan kita seadanya. Jangan lah duit sikit, tapi nak beli handbag Coach. Agak-agak lah. Dapat pakai Carlo Rino ke, Hush puppies, ok lah. Sikit-sikit sudah. Lepas tu ada lagi, manfaat kan lah duit itu. Bersedekah, amal jariah. Kalau berterusan begini, tak perlu main saham pun, nescaya duit anda akan makin bertambah-tambah.

Bila dah bertambah-tambah, jangan lupa bayar zakat.

Bila dah bayar zakat, jangan lupa belanja saya Chili's!

Nyum.

Lamanya,

2010-08-08T04:41:00.000-07:00

OOOOKKKKAAAAYYYYYYYY....

Sudah begitu lama tidak meng-update blog.

Mari kita memberi alasan.

1) Dari Mac ke Jun, sibuk dengan A-Level exam, keputusan akan keluar pada hari khamis ini. InsyaAllah, semuanya akan berjalan lancar. Aku terima ketentuan Tuhan.

2) Selepas habis peperiksaan, sibuk bercuti pula ke sana ke mari. Destinasi, Pulau Perhentian. Baik punya! Memang sangat baik lah, sebab habis hitam legam kulit terbakar. Mana tidak, pukul 12 tengahhari, waktu matahari tegak atas kepala, sibuk berendam air laut, dengan tak pakai sunblock nya. Selepas Pulau Perhentian, ke Kuantan pula, mengimbau childhood ku di Kampung Masjid, Beserah.

3) Kemudian, awal Julai di rumah, sibuk mencari kerja, interviews and walk-ins. Akhirnya, pada 5 Julai mula bekerja sebagai part-time Barista di Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Hari pertama dan kedua, kene buli kaw-kaw punya, (sebut betul-betul, KAW-KAW) sampai meleleh air mata darah. Rasa nak balik, rasa nak berhenti kerja, semua ada. Tapi kuat kan jugak semangat pergi kerja, harung orang pelik-pelik dalam dunia ni, tak nak lah nampak macam orang yang cepat putus asa. Buat pekak telinga, janji kerja aku siap, pukul 4.30 petang aku balik.

4) Baru kerja dalam 2-3 minggu, dah terpaksa cuti panjang. Diserang demam denggi. Haha. Sila ketawa. Lima hari terlantar di Hospital Sultanah Aminah. Aku tak boleh nak makan, asyik muntah, demam sampai 39 darjah celcius, menggigil sejuk, mengitai panas, masuk air entah berapa belas botol, keluar bintik-bintik merah dari muka sampai ke kaki, dan macam-macam lah lagi.

Okay, sudah tiada alasan, jadi hari ini aku kembali di sini. Setelah sekian lama.

Rasanya, hari-hari aku ada macam-macam idea yang aku rasa ingin di-blog kan. Tapi setiap kali pun, tangan aku tak mampu nak menaip. Yang aku mampu buat cuma merapu-rapu di Facebook. Ketahuilah bahawasanya setiap status aku itu mampu menjadi tajuk sahaja untuk blog post aku. Sangat panjang kalau aku elaborate kan isinya kat Blogspot ni, tidak tersekat hanya sebanyak 420 karakter seperti yang di syaratkan oleh Facebook.

Suatu hari aku start Twitter, konon-konon rasa macam best, dengar cerita orang update status setiap 2 minit. Aku nak cuba lah. Tengok-tengok, dua hari sahaja aku melayan binatang burung tu. Selanjutnya, aku rasa macam bangang benda tu, dan susah nak operate. Atau mungkin aku yang lembab atau malas nak belajar.

Makanya, kembali lah aku di Blogspot ini.

Okay, sekadar itu peng-update-an buat masa ini. Jumpa lagi kawan-kawan.

tak perlu sebab untuk keluar masuk cintamu.

2010-02-12T11:07:00.000-08:00

5 Feb 2010 : Jumpa. Gaduh. Masam muka.

6 Feb 2010 : Masih dalam mood pergaduhan. Tapi mandi air terjun. Sibuk main air, takde masa nak gaduh dengan kau.

7 Feb 2010 : Penat badan. Tiada idea melayan.

8 Feb 2010 : Sibuk.

9 Feb 2010 : Sibuk lagi.

10 Feb 2010 : Gaduh.

11 Feb 2010 : Gaduh lagi. Benci.

12 Feb 2010 : Rindu. Rindu lagi. Rindu lagi lagi. Jatuh cinta lagi. :)

Setiap kali aku mula membencimu, aku pasti aku akan jatuh cinta kembali padamu keesokan harinya.

kacak versus katak

2010-01-18T23:07:00.000-08:00

Dulu-dulu aku selalu mimpi nak dapatkan prince charming yang paling hebat sekali atas muka bumi ni. Siap ada senarai ciri-ciri lelaki idaman. Siap sketch lagi gambar beliau. Nak yang matanya redup, hidungnya mancung, rambutnya ikal sedikit, pacak pun ok. Lepas ciri-ciri fizikal, tulis pula peribadinya perlu bagaimana. Baik, tidak garang, bijak, pandai menghiburkan hati, macam-macam lagi lah.

Tapi itu dulu, masa aku kecil. Bilamana waktu itu aku merancang 10 tahun lagi aku akan kahwin.
Berdasarkan statistik, sepupu-sepupu aku semua kahwin pada umur kurang dari 25 tahun. Abang aku juga.

Tapi kalau dihitung waktu ini, pada usia itu, realitinya aku belum habis belajar pun lagi. Ye, mari ramai-ramai gelak dengan hebatnya.

Dan kini aku bersama seseorang.

Langsung tidak seperti prince charming yang aku bayangkan selama ini. Dengan baju besi, menaiki kuda, dengan perisai yang bersinar-sinar, eh tak tak. Merapu je.

Tapi cukup untuk membuatkan aku bahagia. Cukup untuk mengisi kekosongan dalam diri aku. Cukup untuk aku senantiasa merasa selesa.

Cukup, tidak lebih dan tidak kurang.

Tipu kalau aku katakan dia seorang yang sempurna. Banyak yang aku tak suka. Banyak yang aku rungutkan. Dan kadangkala, rungutan itu aku hantar terus kepadanya. Tanpa berselindung aku katakan padanya, apa yang aku tak suka. Tak aku simpan dalam hati kerana risau akan membusung di dalam benak. Yang aku pastikan cuma ketulusan. Dan sentiasa membuat mental note, yang dia itu lelaki, dan egonya setinggi Gunung Everest mungkin.

Dia terima rungutan aku. Dan kerap kali, dia rasionalkan fikiran aku. Kerana seringkali saja apa yang aku rungutkan itu, halnya remeh dan kadang kala boleh jadi tidak masuk akal. Contohnya, aku pernah persoal, kenapa sering saja keinginan aku tak kesampaian. Nak ini tak dapat, nak itu tak dapat? Lalu dijawabnya, itukan realiti kehidupan? Dunia ini bukan kita yang rencanakan. Bukan semua yang kita inginkan kita dapat. Bersyukur dengan apa yang ada.

Tak dapat makan char kuey teow pun nak menitik air mata.

Pernah aku terlewat untuk berjumpa dengannya hampir tiga jam, kerana urusan keluarga. Dia tetap menanti, tidak pulang, dan apabila bertemu, tiada sedikit pun kata kesat dia lemparkan. Beriya aku meminta maaf, tapi yang keluar dari mulutnya cuma I miss you sayang dan seulas senyuman ikhlas yang aku rindukan. Tiada pergaduhan, tiada rungutan.

Bukan niat aku memuji berlebih-lebihan. Cuma dulu aku pernah persoalkan, benarkah ini yang aku inginkan? Dulu aku keliru, dulu mindaku bercelaru. Kadang terasa tersalah pilihan. Ini tak kena, itu tak kena. Tapi kini aku pasti cuma dia di dalam hati. Kekurangannya, kesulitannya aku terima. Sepertimana, dia menerima burukku, baikku, cacatku, celaku. Kerana di dunia ini tiada yang sempurna.

Ye, aku cacat sikit.

So, jangan nyanyi lagu ''kau begitu sempurna". Tipu tu.

Biar, biar orang katakan, biar orang persoalkan, apa yang ada pada dirinya? Apa yang kau nampak? Apa yang hebat sangat? Tak hingin aku jawab. Yang baik tentangnya untukku, dan yang buruk juga untukku. Aku terima seadanya.

Tak, dia bukan seekor katak.

selamat jalan

2009-12-11T04:58:00.000-08:00

Tujuh hari saja lagi. TUJUH. Selepas ini selamat tinggal Johor Bahru. Boleh dikatakan, bandar ini merupakan bandar yang paling lama aku hinggap, lebih kurang 9 tahun. Mungkin pada sesetengah orang, tempoh itu tidaklah terlalu lama, tapi bagi aku, yang sering berpindah-randah, 9 tahun itu sangat lama.

Semasa di sekolah rendah, tiga kali aku tukar sekolah. Dua tahun di Sek Keb Beserah, Kuantan. Dua tahun di Methodist Girl School, Melaka. Dan dua tahun di Sek Keb (P) Yahya Awal, JB. Jadi, sembilan tahun di satu tempat amat bermakna bagi aku.

Untuk pengetahuan, jika anda ingin tahu, tak nak tak mengapa. Aku bakal berpindah ke Parit Sulong, Batu Pahat. Alah, tidak jauh. Aku pasti kamu berkata begitu. Tapi nilai estetika nya sangat tinggi.

Kami berpindah kerana umi bakal menjaga nenek di kampung, yang tinggal sendirian. Sementara bapaku, akan terus bekerja di JB. Ada sedikit pengorbanan di situ, terpaksa di harungi. Mungkin umi tidak melihatkan kesedihan hatinya, dengan berkata "sudah biasa, ditinggalkan abi, selama 22 tahun, belayar berbulan-bulan. Sekarang masih mampu berjumpa hujung minggu. Patut bersyukur". Ya, benar, tapi pasti jauh di sudut hati umi, ada sayu yang tidak kelihatan, bukan?

Apapun, semuanya akan jadi berbeza mulai saat lori datang dan mengangkut barang-barang dalam rumah.

Selamat tinggal Johor Bahru. Kenangan di sini akan tetap tersemat kemas di dalam hati.

tattoo your name across my heart so it will remain

Yang otak itu Pure Mathematics, yang hati itu Statistics

2009-12-03T21:15:00.000-08:00

Setiap kali pun aku cuba percaya, setiap kali pun aku cuba pasrah. Tapi hati ini selalu menidakkan kewarasan fikiran. Hati ini selalu saja ingin mengiyakan sesuatu yang kelihatannya tidak benar.

Kalau kehidupan ini seperti pure mathematics, hidup aku akan senang. Tidak kisah jika jalan kira aku sampai dua mukasurat pun. Di akhirnya nanti aku akan dapat juga penyelesaiannya.

Tapi, yang sedihnya, hidup ini umpama statistics. Kau hanya boleh mengagak dan mengira apa yang bakal terjadi. Dan kau takkan pernah pasti akan pengakhirannya. Kau hanya boleh tunggu dan lihat mana satu pengiraan kau yang tepat.

Dari dulu, aku tak pernah berjaya mendidik hati aku supaya berkawan dengan minda. Sering kali saja aku terpaksa memilih antara dua. Suara hati atau logik akal. Jika aku berkeputusan begini, kadang-kala aku rasa seperti aku terlalu mengikut kata hati. Dan ada pepatah mengatakan, kalau diikutkan hati, nanti mati. Dan kalau aku terlalu memikirkan logik untuk membuat suatu keputusan, aku akan berfikir, oh nanti otak aku puas, tapi keputusan ini tentu takkan membahagiakan aku, kerana ia berdasarkan teori semata.

Seringkali aku ingin saja membebaskan diri dari bebanan memikir ini. Kalau aku boleh rasa terbang melayang, atau biarkan diri ini hanyut mengikut arus, aku akan senang. Biar dihadapan sana, masa dan keadaan yang menentukan segalanya untuk aku. Biar takdir yang memutuskan setiap keputusan aku.

Tapi aku tak pernah bisa.

Kerana aku seorang control freak.

Aku mau semuanya berjalan seperti yang telah diatur. Yang tersusun ikut waktu. Yang beratur mengikut masa. Yang selari dengan diri. Aku takkan boleh membiarkan sesuatu itu terjadi tidak seperti yang aku inginkan.

Dan kadangkala, sifat ini memakan diri aku sendiri. Aku rasa terbelenggu. Rasa seperti ada yang menyekat kerongkong ku dari berkata. Ada yang mengikat kakiku dari berjalan. Ada yang merentap tanganku dari bekerja. Dan yang paling terbeban, ada yang menutup mataku dari melihat kebenaran.

Pernah tak kau rasa, yang kau ingin sesuatu itu menjadi, that very thing you decide some time ago, to really really work out, sampai kau sanggup mengenepikan apapun, menebat diri kau dari kebenaran, kerana sesuatu itu.

Kau takut kesedihan berulang. Kau tidak mahu kecewa, kau terus mengatakan YA! YA! YA! pada diriku, padahal kau sudah tau yang jawapannya TIDAK! TIDAK! TIDAK!

Kau sebenarnya takut menerima kenyataan.

Ya, kerana kenyataan itu tak selalunya manis, sering sahaja pahit.

Apa yang aku ingin, suka, benci, harap dan peduli.

2009-11-08T07:47:00.000-08:00

Tak siapa tahu, tak siapa dapat mengagak, apa yang aku paling inginkan dalam hidup aku. Dan aku tak expect langsung, tak berharap langsung ada orang yang tahu apa yang aku paling inginkan dalam hidup aku.

Cuma kadang-kadang, aku terasa ingin ada yang peduli tentang apa yang aku rasa, apa yang aku mahu.

Apa yang aku ingin.

Dah terlalu banyak kali aku rasa left out, dalam terlalu banyak situasi, buat sekian kalinya dalam kehidupan aku, aku mahukan perhatian yang lebih. Seolah akulah segalanya, akulah the only thing that matters, akulah your center of attention. Sebab aku tak pernah dapat rasa itu semua.

Apa yang aku suka.

Banyak kali aku kata aku tak suka kejutan, aku tak suka selindungan, aku tak suka aku terpaksa berpura-pura untuk menjaga hati orang lain, aku tak suka jem masam, aku tak suka daging proses, aku tak suka terowong dan tempat yang aku tak nampak penghujung, aku tak suka apa yang aku susun berterabur. Jadi apa yang aku suka ialah benda-benda yang bertentangan dengan apa yang diatas, dan benda-benda yang mungkin aku tak sebut, tak dapat sebut, tak boleh sebut. Oh, aku juga suka duit.

Apa yang aku benci.

Aku bencikan pertengkaran, sebab aku sudah terlalu lama, dan terlalu banyak kali berada di tengah-tengah pertengkaran. Ada yang kata, lama-lama kau akan lali. Tapi tak bagi aku, makin lama, aku rasa makin tertekan. Makin celaru. Makin buntu. Makin terganggu.

Bila aku sendiri yang berada di dalam pertengkaran, aku akan stress. Bila aku stress aku akan marah atau menangis. Bila aku marah atau menangis, aku rasa lemah. Bila aku rasa aku lemah, aku akan rendah diri. Bila aku rendah diri, aku hilang keyakinan. Bila aku hilang keyakinan, aku stress lagi. This situation will go on and on. Dan akan hilang hanya bila aku tidur, atau ada insan yang tiba-tiba buat lawak bodoh yang aku tak tahan nak gelak. Atau bila aku dapat peluk dan hidu dua bau favourite aku, Bvlgari aqva atau bau kau Ipah, bau apa ntah ha. Oh, aku akan stress jugak bila aku lapar.

Apa yang aku harap.

Kebahgiaan, ketenangan hati, kejayaan dalam pelajaran. Kejayaan dalam kehidupan. Ketelusan. History NOT to repeat itself. Kau. Oh, dan DUIT.

Apa yang aku peduli.

Tiada apa sebenarnya. Aku seorang yang sangat self-centered, apa yang paling penting adalah diri aku. Sejak bila aku jadi macam ni, aku sendiri pun tak tahu. Tapi aku tak kisah apa yang orang nak kata, apa yang orang nak fikir, apa yang orang nak buat. Janji jangan kacau hidup aku sebab hanya ada beberapa perkara sahaja yang penting dalam hidup aku, yang lain-lain tu, i don't bother.

perkara-perkara yang orang sekeliling lakukan yang membuat saya gembira, bahagia, terharu tsk tsk tsk

2009-10-29T02:36:00.000-07:00

mengajar saya application of buffer solution pada jam 2 pagi, sampai saya betul-betul faham.
mengejut saya setiap petang, mengajak saya berjalan di taman, atau berjogging.
menemankan saya si puduraya
membelanja saya makan mee raja yang gila hell sedap.
mengangkatkan bakul dobi saya.
menghantar saya pulang ke kolej dengan jayanya.
membuka dan menutup pintu kereta untuk saya seharian.
membelikan saya sepasang dress polka dot yang comel habis.
berbowling sebanyak yang mungkin selagi duit tak habis.
menemani saya ke Tesco semata-mata kerana ingin membeli buah anggur sahaja.

Anda tidak perlu melakukan sesuatu yang diluar kemampuan, yang konon-kononnya sangat hebat untuk impress orang lain. Cukup sekadar, sekali-sekala membelikan sebiji karipap untuk sarapan di waktu pagi, dia akan tersenyum hingga ke petang, mungkin malam.

Lihat, orang-orang disekeliling saya dapat membahagiakan saya dengan hanya melakukan perkara-perkara yang mudah. Yang mungkin pada sesetengah orang, tidak bermakna apa-apa pun.

Anda pula bagaimana?

Sudahkah anda membahagiakan orang tersayang?

what's worth, what's not?

2009-10-11T01:04:00.002-07:00

It's October, and I'll be having my final this November. Next semester is my final semester, and i have to repeat 2 subjects. I did not fail, but my academic fulfillment requires me to gain an A or at least a B on my papers. Sadly, i got two C's.

And i don't even know why i cannot focus in my classes, and i became very blurry during my test. Maybe i don't study hard enough, or maybe i lack motivation. But i know, it is my fault, it came from me. I don't blame anyone. I blame me. Don't say it's because of my relationship, because the downfall of my studies happened waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay before that. And we are a new item.

My money is running low, and it happen so frequently. I just have no idea how to control my cash flow. I need to start to have an income, but i just don't know how. I can't do part time, and i don't have any modal to start any kind of small business. I hate asking money from my parents, it somehow alters my ego. I feel so low.

So, right now i need to know, what's worth in my life and what's not? Because i have no idea of my priorities. I don't know what's important. And what's not. I feel terrible, for being such a bad me, myself.

Help me through life. Help me through life. Help me through life.

kau tau kan perpisahan tu sakit?

2009-10-05T01:04:00.000-07:00

ak berdaya, tapi aku gagahkan juga. Bahagia, bila kau di depanku. Tapi bila setiap kali terpaksa mengucapkan selamat tinggal, dan setiap kali juga tidak pasti bila akan ketemu lagi, aku jadi sakit. Perit untuk menelan realiti, kau jauh dari mata.

Tapi sekurang-kurangnya, aku belajar satu lagi erti kehidupan kan? Walaupun perit, dan walaupun rasa terseksa, nak buat macam mana? Aku yang jejakkan diri, aku la yang kene tanggung. Tak gitu?

Tapi aku tak sunyi, kerana aku dikelilingi memori yang kau beri.

Terima kasih cinta

inject

2009-09-19T11:12:00.000-07:00

I thought, i might just tell the world that i am actually very very happy nowadays.

I was watching gossip girl just now, and i don't know why, i get really emotional watching all the dramas in there. My life is not even close to theirs, but the values in that series, it's gets me. I think it also applies to everybody.

Family, love, friendship, though they are very common theme, its actually quite important in our life.

And i am HAPPY with my family, my boyfriend and my friends. I enjoy and cherish every moment i have with them, and i am grateful for all the troubles we have. Because at the end of the day, no matter how big the burden is, we are still able to place a very big honest smile and we still have each other to hold on to.

I love you, because you spell my name correctly.

2009-09-18T14:23:00.000-07:00

Aha, catchy kan tajuk? Sebenarnya, aku nak cerita, why you never have to have a reason to love somebody.

Clearly,love is a feeling kan? You cannot see it, you cannot touch it. But you feel it, its emotional, not biological. It's nothing scientific, its humane.

First.
Try to differentiate between love and lust. Lust is something biological, physical. Lust is when adrenaline starts pumping. Lust is when your eyes, or your ears, or any other senses send signals to the brain and eventually,you'll end up in bed, or sofa, or wherever you wish lah kan? You can explain that, right?

But what about love? Explain love. Explain that great chemistry between the two of you. Explain the long conversation you've made without getting bored, without even wanting to do anything else. Explain how that person suddenly motivates you, makes you feel you wanted to be a better person. Explain why you suddenly think of your future together. Explain how you can lock your eyes in his/hers with affection and without the urge to be in bed with him/her.

Second.
If during pre-historic time they never found out that one of the function of the mouth is to eat, will we be eating today? During that time, even if they do not understand what feeling is, they surely understand, the affection they felt towards somebody is something as important as the need to eat. Because it's in the system. You feel it, you need it. No reason. Full stop.

Third.
You say you love your spouse because she's pretty. What happen when she's old and saggy, will you still love her? Or will you go and find someone else 'pretty''. Because obviously you love 'pretty' not 'old and saggy', right?

Kalau kau kata kau sayang dan cinta dia sebab kasih sayang dan attention yang dia beri pada kau, macam mana kalau suatu hari, dia dapat schizophrenia, dan tak dapat nak beri perhatian pada kau, waktu tu kau sayang dan cinta dia lagi ke? Dia kan dah mereng? Mesti kau pergi cari kasih sayang dan attention baru kan?

People make reasons, because they are afraid. And they need something to hold on to.

When you fall in love, you shall have no fear.

Lagi banyak yang kau fikir kenapa kau sayangkan seseorang tu, lagi sikit yang kau faham tentang apa yang sedang kau rasa. Cubit lengan, rasakan yang kau sakit. Cuit hati, dan rasakan yang kau cinta.

Love someone mutually.

Kalau ada orang tanya kau, kenapa kau sayang dia, tanya balik pada dia kenapa dia bernafas? Dan katakan pada dia, sebab kau sayang dia adalah sama dengan sebab dia perlu bernafas.

Berdebar, tidak mampu berkata apa.

2009-09-03T06:26:00.000-07:00

Fuh, belum jumaat pun. Tapi kenapa sudah mula berdebar-debar?

SELAMAT TINGGAL HOME SWEET HOME

2009-08-29T07:53:00.000-07:00

Sekali lagi aku akan pergi meninggalkan rumah, ye, pergi berjuang, di kolej sana! Go! Go!

Kalau lah pelajaran A-level ni semudah SPM, dan kalaulah aku tidak terlalu asyik dengan dunia remajaku! Argh, ini semua menyakitkan.

Apapun, kembali kerumah itu satu nikmat yang paling tak terkata setelah berminggu-minggu berpulun di kolej, hari-hari menghadap kalkulator, pembaris, test pad, akak library, kusyen lecture theater, etc. Ok, tak lupa katil empuk, bantal dunlop, comforter usang dan temot.

Alkisah membeli-belah di Jaya Jusco, mulanya, ingin membeli baju bonda, tapi saya juga tak lupa tumpang sekaki. Hehe.

Kemudian membeli-belah untuk juadah berbuka, sayuran di JJ tampak sangat menyelerakan, biarpun belum dimasak. Segar-bugar, rasa tak sabar aku nak masukkan kau dalam kuali wahai sayur-sayuran.

Ohh, hari tu kami berbuka dengan sushi, ikan masak kari asam, sayur campur masak sos tiram (brokoli-asparagus-capcicum-udang), kangkung celur dengan sambal asam, ayam golek dan abang saya membuat banana-strawberry ice blend, konon-konon macam pink panther ss2.

Along kata korang ni berbuka ke mengkedarah? Mengkedarah tu mungkin macam Edward Cullen makan darah ataupun buaya lapar makan zirafah.

sushi-sushi.boley tahan sedap oo.

Oh, this one tak sedap kata bekas pekerja Sushi King.

Itu capcicum namanya.

Oh, anak dara tak pandai pilih sayur. Kena tanya bonda juga.

Avocado and giant, eh jaya jusco.hahahaha.

Perbincangan kelab citrus. Macam tu jadinya kalau nak fokus berbincang sambil nak posing untuk bergambar.

Ok habis hal semalam, sebentar tadi, aku ke saloon, kira agak regular jugak la kat sini. Selalu buat rebonding kat sini saja. Pernah sekali di Seremban. Selama ni buat tak pernah ada masalah macam ni, tapi hari buat macam haram. Rambut aku jadi rosak kat bawah, dengan alasan dia salahkan aku dulu nipiskan rambut. Ceyt, podah!

Kalaulah tadi aku tak rasa nak menangis, aku dah maki kau habis-habisan. Nasib baik lah air mata aku dah nak dekat-dekat tumpah dan aku regular kat situ dan kau bagi aku murah sikit, walaupun, murah tu tak terasa sangat, so aku memutuskan untuk blah saja dari situ. Malam ni aku akan bakar kedai kau.

Ok, setelah air mata aku menitis-nitis jatuh kebumi, aku pun dengan buayanya, berbuka nasi daging yang gila delicious habis. Terima kasih bonda. Ohh, nasi tu ada kaler merah hijau, sangat cantik~~

Dengan itu berakhir lah percutian yang tak seberapa ni. I spent most of my time at home, helping my mother in the kitchen. Sangat gembira. Bila kadang-kadang umi kata hari ni takyah tolong, takde benda nak buat, hati kecil aku rasa sayu, sedih sebab tak dapat masuk dapur. Lain-lain waktu keluar ke bazar dan hospital.

Tapi apa-apa pun, aku sangat gembira berada dirumah. Tenang dan aman. Esok akan memulakan perjalanan kembali ke kolej. Say goodbye to guest room with aircond and say hello to kerja tertunggak. Oh yeah!

Ohh, on medication, kat ubat tu tertulis jangan makan ubat ini dengan susu, antasid dan persediaan yang mengandungi zat besi.

Antasid tu apa? Persediaan yang mengandungi zat besi tu macam mana?

Any help?

Break my heart I expect you to.

2009-08-19T06:36:00.000-07:00

Tell me,
Why do I love a man with one hundred black t-shirts,
Who swears and curses every two seconds,
Who hates the way I laugh;
the way I dress;
and the way I talk.

But still he caress me with his eyes,
And his touches bring electric to my heart,
His smile dissolves my tears,
His words vanishes my fears,
His joy strengthen my soul,
His existence alone makes me whole.

Seeing him so near;
looking into his eyes;
feeling his presence;
believing his love.

Somehow,
I could not help my tears from falling,
And my heart from breaking into pieces,
For the fact that he would never be mine.

My life goes on,
Though without you,
I still carry on.

DEM!

2009-08-13T07:39:00.000-07:00

Pernah tak kau rasa apa yang kau buat tu semuanya tak berbaloi dan kau rasa menyesal sangat. Well, aku pernah dan aku sedang merasakannya.

:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

2009-08-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

Syukur aku mempunyai rakan-rakan dan ahli keluarga yang penyayang dan memahami.

Lari

2009-07-25T06:10:00.000-07:00

Sekali lagi aku tiba disini.
Sekali lagi aku hiba disini.

Blog ini makin lama makin dikelabui tulisan-tulisan emosi aku. Ya, semuanya yang aku tulis disini lahir dari hati. Jadi orang yang membaca pasti ngerti yang jiwa aku lagi kacau. Kacau-bilau.

Tiada apa yang akan ku cerita kali ini. Sekadar mengupdate dan sekadar memberitahu yang aku terganggu.

Aku lari,
Aku cari,
Aku kemari.

Aku berlari langkahku kaku.
Aku menari tariku bisu.

Aku disini, tiada erti.

Aku, bingung.

Amarah yang aku simpan dalam hati ini buat aku bisu sendiri. Buat aku tak tenang dengan diri sendiri.

My anger, my frustration, and my miseries, they bottled up inside of me.

Once in a while they flow out as tears....

An ungrateful friend

2009-06-25T12:25:00.000-07:00

Kadang-kadang terlalu banyak simpang-siur dalam kehidupan aku buat aku rasa penat. Aku tak tau kiri atau kanan yang aku patut aku tuju. Kalaupun aku pilih untuk ke kanan, perlukah satu hari nanti aku patah balik dan menuju ke kiri pula? Atau kalau aku tuju ke kiri, masih adakah kanan untuk aku suatu hari nanti?

Kalau hidup kita sentiasa dalam keadaan baik, bagaimana nak menghadapi buruk suatu hari nanti? Dan kalau hidp kita sentiasa buruk, macam mana pula kita nak hadapi benda baik?

Kalau kita sentiasa lulus dalam semua perkara sepanjang hidup kita, mungkinkah suatu hari nanti kita akan gagal-segagal-gagalnya?

Aku bingung dengan rentak kehidupan aku sekarang. Ada saja yang tak kena. Ada saja yang menghalang. Ada saja yang mengganggu. Aku tak dapat nak bergerak kedepan sebab asik terganggu membuatkan aku terpaksa patah balik, atau perjalanan aku jadi tersekat-sekat. Kalau macam ni, macam mana aku nak sampai ke penghujungnya?

Yes, aku gila miserable sekarang ni. Macam-macam benda perlu aku fikirkan. Semua benda yang aku nak baut aku perlu fikirkan consequences nya. Aku tak boleh nak bertindak melulu. Aku tak boleh nak buat sesuatu mengikut gerak hati dan lihat hasilnya macam mana lepas tu.

Sekarang ni bila aku nak decide buat sesuatu, sekecil mana pun keputusan tu, aku perlu fikir baiknya, buruknya, akibatnya pada orang ni, akibatnya pada orang tu. Dan yang terakhir, barulah aku dapat nak fikir, macam mana pula keadaan aku bila keputusan tu aku dah buat?

Aku, yes aku sekarang ni jadi orang yang terakhir sekali dalam senarai-senarai orang-orang penting dalam kehidupan aku sendiri.

Aku dah terasa otak aku bercelaru sekarang ni. Esok aku akan keluar dari rumah. Esok aku akan mula hidup aku sendiri semula. Esok aku akan mengharungi situasi di mana aku perlu membuat keputusan sama ada aku akan ke kiri atau ke kanan. Esok aku harap aku berhenti jadi perempuan yang bitter.

Seseorang tu boleh berkata yang dia sakit kaki tapi sebenarnya dia sakit hati. Seseorang tu boleh kata dia sedih sebab kucing dia meninggal tapi sebenarnya dia sedih sebab hidup dia miserable. Seseorang boleh nangis dan bila orang tanya 'kenapa kau nangis?' dia kata dia nangis sebab si polan dah takde dalam hidup dia. Tapi yang sebenarnya dia nangis sebab dia tertanya-tanya dalam diri dia "why is everyone else is so damn lucky? and i'm not?"

Well, aku seseorang tu.

Well yes, bukan seorang dua yang dah counsel aku. Aku rasa kebanyakan kawan-kawan aku yang rapat dengan aku, yang tau kisah-kisah hidup aku, semua dah bagi aku macam-macam nasihat.

And yes i appreciate that a lot.

Tapi buat masa ni words can't do anything to me. Macam mana pun orang ramai cuba clarify the situation, i still choose to be miserable.

Blame me for being ungrateful.

Life

2009-06-25T12:18:00.000-07:00

Dem. Aku gila blank.

Situasi 1

2009-06-22T03:57:00.000-07:00

Aku dan seorang kawan dalam perjalanan pulang ke rumah menaiki LRT. Naik-naik LRT tu memang full lah. Ramai yang berdiri-diri. Tapi ada 2 tempat kosong fit-fit je untuk kami. Kami pun duduk lah sambil kunyah keropok lekor. Bila dah lama duduk baru perasan tu tempat duduk untuk handicaps. Rasa bersalah lah jugak kan

E : Eh, ni tempat duduk orang cacat lah.
A : Patut lah tiba-tiba je kosong, padahal orang ramai.
E : Aku cacat, kau tengok ni jari aku bengkok. Sebab dulu pernah tersekat dalam rantai basikal.
A : Aku cacat jugak.
E : Kau cacat apa?
A : Gigi aku besi.

Terus hilang rasa bersalah.

come what may, i will love you until my dying day

2009-06-19T09:53:00.000-07:00

picture by : Monique-du-Bois

MOOD : gloomy
CONDITION : sick (sore throat, cough and flu)
TIME : 12.54 am
SURROUNDING : alone in the room
ACCOMPANYING SONG : torniquet by Evanescence

"I tried to kill the pain, but only brought more, so much more"

I'm lonely.

I feel sorry for myself. For being such a big LOSER. I crave somebody by my side right now. I fell in love once, and i failed. I failed in maintaining the relationship. I failed being a good partner. Or maybe, he failed. Or maybe we both failed.

And now, i just feel like i need a man in my life. Somebody that i can call my darling, my dear, my sayang or anything mine.

I need somebody that i can call at night when i'm having nightmares. I'm continously having nightmares nowadays; never ending tunnels, high places with no fences, a man with thick moustache, and killing too. And when i woke up with sweats dripping from my temple and the urge to vommit, i wish i could call some other people other than my mother. I need to hear a voice, a sleepy voice, calming me and saying 'it's okay, it's just a dream'.

I need hand to hold mine when i'm worried. When i'm being silly, clumsy and all messed up i need a hand to pat me in the head and cool me down. Correct me, or pinch me back into reality.

I need somebody who i can look straight into his eyes when i talk. Eyes that i can look deep down and find love, love so strong that i can forever stare into those beautiful eyes.

And i need a heart for me to share my own. Somebody to hug me into my soul. A friend, a lover, an enemy he could possibly be.

I haven't found the right person.

Worried NO. Lonely YES.

But I'd rather wait than waste. Waste my time, my mind, my energy, my emotion for something that might not be true. I'll wait, yeah, no worries.

Scientist.Might.Not.Always.Be.Right

2009-06-16T05:23:00.001-07:00

"You just don't like to pressure somebody, but sometimes you just HAVE to."

I've passed my rebel time. Nowadays i 'd rather sit down and talk. Not stand up and be angry and do the blaming thing. If i'm wrong then i'll surrender and put up a white flag. But if i'm not surely i will stand my right but in a good way. With diplomacy. However, sometimes, when somebody really get on my nerves, i do feel like biting or ripping that particular person into pieces. If only i can lah kan?

And sometimes i think i would just love to drown myself in a pool. Or a lake to make the event even more romantic. I don't have any specific reason why, but i would love to try. Provided i won't be dead.

I think the way i express myself had made people to think that i'm such a loser, pathetic, with so many miseries type of girl. Well maybe i am. Maybe i'm not.

Well, you people out there are able to judge. But surely you would never know the truth right?

You can assume and assume as much as you can, but not all hypothesis can be concluded true, right?

So, don't waste your precious time to try to conclude me. Go and do something else more interesting and adrenaline-rushing.

peace love.
enna

Thanks for the prawn olio

2009-06-13T13:36:00.000-07:00

Pudu. Sebut Pudu siapa tak gentar. Kalau orang yang dah biasa pergi Pudu mungkin tak takut. Tapi bagi orang yang macam aku yang jarang pergi situ memang gila cuak! tempat tu macam banyak orang pelik-pelik. Dengan ulat-ulat tiket yang berkejar-kejaran cari customer. Tolonglah, aku tak sempat masuk lagi dalam tu kau dah kejar aku. Aku tau lah nak beli tiket sendiri. Duh!

Tapi nasib baik ada orang teman :) at least aku rasa secure sikit. Walaupun aku tau aku strong and independent, ceyyyy, tak boleh blah. Tak, maksud aku, aku sangat tak kisah jalan pergi mana-mana pun sorang-sorang. Tapi aku juga rasa bahagia bila ada orang yang sudi teman aku. :D

Sorry sangat-sangat. Aku tau kau penat. Malam tu gila havoc and schedule kau lagi pack dari aku. At least aku sampai rumah lagi awal dari kau, dapat tidur sampai tengahari. Walaupun bila bangun aku rasa sakit-sakit badan dan memutuskan untuk sambung tidur balik. Aku taknak kau datang, aku nak kau duduk rumah tidur, hilangkan penat. Jalan sorang-sorang kat Pudu, no big deal. Ceeyyy,, takut sebenarnya. Memang aku nak kau datang, tapi aku tak nak susahkan kau juga. Tapi aku tak larat nak argue dengan kau, air mata aku satu micrometer lagi nak jatuh. So aku cuma mampu iya kan aja.

Ohh, airmata tu jatuh juga. Sampai pak arab yang duduk sebelah aku dalam bas dengan bininya tanya " why are you crying girl?". Aku cuma mampu tersenyum dan tak jawab apa-apa pun. Sebab nanti lagi aku gila tersedu-sedan, ohh gila malu. Aku lebih rela air mata itu mengalir lesu di pipi aku. Aku rasa lebih tenang. Like all the weight in this world slide down from my shoulders the way the tears does.

Serius aku minta maaf banyak-banyak. Thanks juga sebab teman aku sampai naik bas. Thanks sebab keep up dengan aku for all this time eventhough i'm nobody to you. And thanks for the prawn olio too :) Sedap! Kesudian kau nak datang teman aku, memang buat aku gila terharu. Itu yang terbaik. Walaupun kita terlepas stesyen. Haha.

Somebody said to me, "Enna, chill!" Yeah, that is what i will do for this moment. Serius. Serius. Haha. Aku ikhlas kawan dengan kau. Kalaupun aku suka kat aku, itu masalah aku. Aku tak harapkan apa-apa dari aku. Cukup kau ada di sisi aku sebagai sahabat terhebat. Jangan jauhkan diri kau dari aku.

Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue

2009-06-13T12:32:00.000-07:00

Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high
There's a land that I heard of Once in a lullaby
Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true
Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops, Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me
Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow,
Why then - oh, why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow,
Why, oh, why can't I?

This song i used to sing during pre-school. I love it. Its beautiful. And she's beautiful too!

Dia dan kau berbeza.

2009-06-06T03:10:00.000-07:00

Dia.
Tiada degup jantung.
Tiada larian adrenalin.
Tiada hyperventilation.

Tapi dengan kau.
Tak bisa bernafas dengan teratur.
Tak bisa makan dengan sempurna.
Tak bisa berkata-kata.

Hati, mata, dan minda ku untukmu.
Aku sayang kan kau.

QUOTES

2009-06-05T02:55:00.000-07:00

"I wish I could see through your eyes so I would know what you like to see. I wish I knew your wishes, so I could give you everything you want. I wish I dreamed the same dreams you do, and together we could make them come true. I wish I knew what makes you happy, so I could make you the happiest person in the whole world. And lastly, I wish I were a cell in your blood, so I would be sure I was somewhere in your heart."Anonymous

"It's a long road when you face the world alone, when no one reaches out a hand for you to hold. You can find love if you search within your soul, and the emptiness you felt will disappear."Mariah Carey

"I might be drowning in the river of pain today, I hope you'll save me with your love tomorrow"Anonymous

"Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love."Albert Einstein

:)

Kotak dalam aku, aku dalam kotak

2009-05-29T11:16:00.000-07:00

Semalam sebelum aku nak tidur, aku menyusun-nyusun ayat dan cerita untuk aku tulis di sini apabila aku tiba dirumah nanti. Tapi, elok saja aku bangun tidur, semua pun aku lupa. Tajuk apa yang aku fikirkan malam tersebut pun aku langsung tak ingat. Kesian kan? Otak sudah kekurangan oksigen barangkali.

Beberapa hari ni aku sangat sibuk. Bukan setakat sibuk kesana kemari tapi juga sibuk otak. Setakat ni otak aku masih lagi berfungsi, Alhamdulillah. Walaupun aku merasakan yang otak aku perlu slow down sedikit velocity pergerakannya, kerana aku sangat letih dan penat dengan apa yang aku sendiri tak tau apa yang aku kejar. (Ok, tarik nafas dan ulang ayat terakhir 3 kali, InsyaAllah para pembaca akan faham)

Otak aku sesak dan semak dengan exam, dengan Edward Cullen (siapalah yang menanam minat membaca dalam diri aku sehingga aku tak mampu nak berhenti bila dah mula baca novel), masalah jiwa raga, masalah tengok orang berdating walaupun bukan masalah sebenarnya, masalah "those who forget history are doomed to repeat it", masalah takde duit dalam purse ada rm2 saja tapi sekarang dah ada beberapa not rm50, dan segala jenis masalah lain. Mungkin kau tak faham apa masalah aku, dan aku pun tiadalah masa nak menerangkan secara terperinci masalah aku kat kau.

Selain itu aku juga penat berjalan, bukan berjalan, bernaik kereta sebetulnya, dari Seremban ke Muar ke Batu Pahat, ke Johor Bahru dan terus melilau kesana kemari di destinasi terakhir tadi kerana terdapat pelbagai urusan seri paduka baginda yang hendak diuruskan seperti menginvolvekan diri dalam sukan archery, sukan window shopping, sukan melawat art gallery, sukan membawa kereta di bawah khemah pengantin, sukan menonton cerita x-men origins ohh sangat ketinggalan zaman, dan macam-macam lagi sukan yang membuat aku rasa sangat penat dan tercabar otot.

Namun sukan-sukan diatas tiadalah tolok bandingnya dengan sukan apabila orang memperkotak-katikkan perasaan anda. Yang itu tersangatlah letih dan memang confirm akan hilang 100% tenaga anda. Mungkin Suruhanjaya Olimpik atau apa saja namanya, boleh anjur sukan baru ini, kerana namanya sangat unik dan menarik. Cuba sebut laju-laju kotak-katik, kotak-kati, kotak-katik, kotak-katik. Comel bukan? Mungkin Sekolah Kebangsaan Majidee Baru juga boleh masukkan aktiviti sukaneka yang baru. Kotak-katik.

Jadi kesimpulannya disini, saya ingin mengatakan. Jika saya penat atau lapar, maka jangan ganggu saya. Ini kerana apabila saya penat dan lapar, emosi saya terganggu dan saya merasa tertekan dan saya mungkin akan menekan-nekan perut anda sehingga anda pula yang rasa ditekan.

Sekian, yang mengasihimu.
Awek lama Daniel Henney yang kini sudah menjadi awek baru Taylor Kitsch

pms adalah masalah global. kita terpaksa hadapinya.

2009-05-09T08:36:00.000-07:00

Hari ini aku sangat tak produktif. Kerana apa? Mungkin kerana semalam aku mengalami period pain yang sangat kritikal hingga aku terasa nak tergolek semasa nak berjalan dari bangunan akademik ke bilik sakit. Dan yang sebetulnya aku memang tergolek di kaki Pipah sehinggalah Cikgu Ju datang membantu.

Maka seharian aku menahan sakit, tidur, bangun, golek, tahan sakit lagi, tidur, bangun golek, tahan sakit lagi, golek, tidur. Senang cerita itu saja yang aku buat sepanjang hari dari pagi hingga maghrib. Huhu.

Sebenarnya, aku sakit dari pagi lagi tapi sebab hari tu hari terakhir bersama kelas 9.1 dan 9.2, aku gagahkan juga perut untuk tunggu sehingga waktu rehat untuk sesi bergambar beramai-ramai. Bagus kan aku? HAHAH!

Cikgu Asril dua tiga kali tanya "Aina, awak ok?". TAK OK CIKGU. Sebetulnya itu yang aku nak beritahu cikgu. Tapi tak terkata ohh. Lagi pun takkan aku nak cakap aku period pain? Malu ohh.

Tapi, kalau dia baca di sini, dia akan tau lah kan? Haha. Takpe. Ini hal global. Tiada apa yang ingin dimalukan. Lol :D

Makanya, hari ini aku sambung tak produktif. Sebab aku dah tidur banyak hari tersebut, malamnya, aku tak dapat tidur. Belajar juga cuma hingga jam 2 pagi. Kemudian aku sambung aktiviti malam dengan menonton Boogeyman3 dan Secret. Kemudian aku tidur jam 5 pagi. Dan bangun jam 12 tengahari. Mandi, pergi makan, balik bilik, jawab 1 soalan Fizik, kemudian tidur semula hingga jam 5 ptg. Golek-golek lagi sambil dengar Piqa main gitar dan pergi makan malam pula. HAH! hebat tak?

Macam beruang nak hibernasi.

Malam ni mari stay up dengan aku dan nescafe.